South African friends help ease emigration burden

When you’re starting life in a different country, friends with common backgrounds can help fill the void created by leaving beloved family members behind. In marking International Friendship Day on 30 July, we look at how the natural bonds between fellow South Africans have helped them to transition through immigration.

“Immigration isn’t easy,” says Lauren Becker, who moved from Johannesburg to Melbourne, Australia, with her husband and children just more than two and a half years ago. “Not having family around to share the warmth and love for your children – as family does – is hard. Yet, our friends are priceless, and we do our best to help fill each other’s gaps.”

Becker believes immigrating breaks down barriers when it comes to forming new and larger circles of friends as you move out of your comfort zone.

Before moving, Becker knew a lot of people in Melbourne from her school days at King David High School Linksfield, as well as from Bnei Akiva camp. “There are so many people here from school that I think that the only way you cannot have friends is if you don’t make an effort,” she says.

Though she has made some lovely, compassionate Australian friends through her children’s school, most of her friends are South African expats. “There’s comfort in familiarity, a shared immigration experience, and the fact that we speak the same English. And they happen to be nice, genuine people, which helps a lot,” she says.

Becker and her husband have even taken their friends to their children’s Shabbat rings at school as additional “family members”.

“I can honestly say that if it weren’t for my South African connections, immigration would have been that much harder,” Becker says. “Our friends are pillars of strength.”

When Marcelle Sadman made aliya from Cape Town with her now ex-husband at the age of 50, some people thought she was having a midlife crisis. “Uprooting my life at that stage for a better future wasn’t easy, but it turned out to be one of the most meaningful and positive decisions I’ve ever made,” she says. Her children followed later, greatly enriching her journey.

Sadman didn’t know anyone when she moved. “I started working at Beit Protea [a retirement home in Herzliya founded by ex-South Africans] as a recreational therapist, and later became a metapelet [carer] in the dementia unit,” she says.

“It was there, during my long day and night shifts, that I met an incredible group of fellow South Africans. We bonded quickly over endless cups of coffee, late-night sushi orders, and a sense of humour that only South Africans truly understand.” Those friendships are still going strong, and Sadman has made more South African friends at the American International School where she now works. “We have our own little ‘Howzit’ group because that’s how we greet each other, and it always brings a smile,” she says.

“Building a group of South African friends in Israel was one of the most important things that helped ease my transition into a new country,” she reflects. “Being far from family, old friends, and traditions can be incredibly lonely. But my friends here quickly filled that space.

“South Africans just get each other,” she says. “There’s that same background, that same unspoken understanding. We may have all moved on geographically, but emotionally and socially, that connection to where we come from is still strong. There’s just a bond that doesn’t need explaining. It’s comforting. It’s familiar. And it makes living in a new place feel a little more like home.”

Also based in Israel, Johannesburg-born Galit Ariovich made aliya by herself in 1995 when she was in her 20s. Though she had grandparents and cousins already in Israel, moving to Ra’anana, a very Anglo and South African area, helped her to expand her friendship circle. “It’s important to have group support when making aliya,” she says.

“I’d say 70% of my friends are ex-South Africans,” she says. “South Africans tend to stick together. I have kept friends I met at Bnei Akiva summer camp in South Africa whom I met when I was 13 years old, many of whom have also made aliya. I met [the person who is still] my best friend in nursery school. These friendships have lasted for years.”

Carrie Miller, who moved to London with her husband more than 10 years ago, says it’s their lasting friendships with fellow South Africans that have solidified their foundation in their chosen home. The couple already had a handful of London-based friends and family, who introduced them to new people. Attending a Shabbat dinner at one of these friends helped them to forge bonds with other expats early on.

“There were quite a few South African couples there, and we connected with some of them and became good friends,” she says. “Most of them had been there longer than us, but we were all in the same stage of life – we’d been married for a few years and didn’t have kids yet.”

Since becoming a mom, Miller has joined numerous British South African mom groups on Facebook and WhatsApp, which also provide support and chances to connect. She says she also still runs into South Africans she knew during her school days, even at her son’s current school.

Ultimately, she believes being a Jewish South African helps to forge expat friendships purely because of the strength of the community around the world. “Most of the people I’ve met have been in some sort of Jewish setting,” she says. “Even if we didn’t know each other before, we always find a person in common.”

Members of the South African community have similar values and a common perspective, she says. “There’s something about meeting people who know what you’ve gained and what you’ve lost. They understand the kind of world you used to live in. Maybe some of us try to replicate that when we come here.”