High school 2.0: navigating the social minefield of motherhood

Queen bees, exclusive cliques, comparisons, judgemental comments, and sideways glances aren’t only the domain of tweens and teens, they have an impact on mothers too. Though many moms consistently support one another, others make those who don’t fit the mould feel like they’re facing the often-tumultuous social dynamics of adolescence all over again. 

“Here I was sitting alone one night after getting my daughter to bed, thinking, ‘Maybe I’m not cool enough?’ All of a sudden, I was in high school again, feeling totally lost as to what I was doing ‘wrong’ to be left out.” 

These words were written by High School Musical actress and singer, Ashley Tisdale in a personal essay titled “Breaking Up with My Toxic Mom Group” recently published by American online publication The Cut. 

The piece went viral, striking a chord with moms around the world. “Motherhood is often described – and increasingly portrayed on social media – as a time of connection, fulfilment, and effortless bonding,” says Jade Raubenheimer. 

A counsellor and founder of MumisMe, which creates a safe space to navigate early parenthood challenges, Raubenheimer says for some, motherhood can, however, “unexpectedly reawaken feelings of exclusion, self-doubt, and social anxiety. It has a unique way of bringing unresolved social wounds to the surface.” 

Such feelings are unsurprising, she says. “When we become mothers, we enter a new identity phase that is known as ‘matrescence’, a term coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s. Just like adolescence, this transition brings vulnerability, uncertainty, and a deep need for belonging.” While these characteristics are common among new mothers, they can have an impact on those with children of any age. 

“Humans naturally seek safety in groups, especially during periods of identity change,” Raubenheimer says. “For many moms, forming tight-knit groups is a way to create predictability and reassurance in an otherwise overwhelming phase.” Yet often-unintentionally, these groups become exclusive rather than supportive, and are often centred on similar parenting choices, where those who adopt different styles don’t quite fit in and often feel judged. “Importantly, this behaviour is often rooted in insecurity rather than malice. When someone feels unsure, comparison becomes a way to self-soothe: ‘If I’m doing it like them, I must be doing it right.’” 

Tessa Bloom* faced this dynamic when a mom at a new school criticised her for not closely monitoring her teenage child’s test schedule. “She said, ‘What kind of mother are you that doesn’t know what their child is doing?’” Bloom recalls. “I believed my daughter needed independence and to learn by herself. But it’s hurtful when you have new mothers coming into the school who face the exclusivity that’s often created.” 

Bloom, whose kids have already matriculated, describes this and other confrontations with fellow mothers at different schools as “some of the most awful experiences I’ve ever have to deal with”. For example, one mom still refuses to speak to Bloom after they butted heads years ago because Bloom’s daughter was selected to a position of leadership that she expected her child to be chosen for. “Her reaction had such a drastic impact on my child, she refused to stand for head girl later on.” 

An older mom, Bloom doesn’t come from Johannesburg, and says she often felt like an outsider. “I was also working a full day, so I was never part of the coffee club or the gym club. It was genuine exclusion, and it seriously affected my kids’ social lives.” She stresses that such cliques don’t only exist within Jewish schools, as she’s been exposed to them inside and outside the community. 

Moms with younger children often face added complexity as they generally accompany their kids on playdates and are forced to socialise with one another, whether they get along or not. Dani Katz* faced this dilemma when a mom she was previously friendly with began acting strangely. “Someone warned me that she used to be a bully when younger but to me, she was so nice,” Katz said. “Then suddenly, she changed. She stopped greeting me at school, ignoring me in group conversations, blowing hot and cold, some days acknowledging me and other days completely ignoring me even when I greeted her. It was hurtful and confusing.” 

Though their children were good friends, Katz found herself avoiding arranging playdates. Over time, she realised that the woman was treating other moms the same way. “This went on for months, and eventually I made peace with the fact that she wasn’t someone I wanted me or my child to spend time with.” 

Balancing their own needs with that of their children is a common parenting dilemma, Raubenheimer says. “When navigating toxic or emotionally draining dynamics with other mothers, many women feel torn between protecting their own well-being and doing what feels best for their children. From a therapeutic perspective, these needs are not in opposition – both deserve to be honoured. Setting boundaries isn’t a failure of connection, rather a necessary act of self-respect and emotional safety.” 

This in increasingly important today, where parent WhatsApp groups at various schools, usually dominated by mothers, can amplify difficult social dynamics or create new issues. That’s why those who run them monitor them so closely. 

Though the group she started to connect and support Jewish moms and kids at a non-denominational private school has largely fostered positive interactions, Amanda Rogaly has had to lay strict ground rules. 

She accepts that enforcing rules and deleting posts that could constitute slander sometimes creates discord, especially when it comes to chats around antisemitism or personal grievances. “I’ve had horrible messages sent to me; I’ve had moms phone me or swear at me. People get emotional about certain topics and they don’t realise, it’s nothing personal. It’s just the rules of the group. On the other hand, I get wonderful messages thanking me for creating this community.” 

Ultimately, Raubenheimer says, the goal isn’t to fit in at all costs, but to create emotionally safe spaces for ourselves and our children. 

* Names have been changed.