How not to be seen out on a first date

There are few things more awkward than a first date. Unless that first date is interrupted by your mother’s best friend, your cousin, and three family friends asking, “So, who’s this?” 

In the Jewish community, where social circles frequently overlap, especially if you’re frum, some venues have earned an unofficial reputation as places to avoid when getting to know someone new. 

Jayde Ronthal, a counsellor and unofficial matchmaker, says that for Johannesburg singles, kosher restaurants are usually right at the top. 

“You’re almost guaranteed to bump into someone you know, whether it’s family, friends, your rabbi, or your neighbour. Well-known hotels are another one, as they tend to be popular meeting spots and are often filled with familiar faces,” she says. 

Tova Goldstein, therapist and executive director of The Matchmakers Network, says many people want more private first dates because the community is so small and people talk. 

“The minute someone sees you on a date, it’s, ‘Did you see who so-and-so was with?’ Suddenly everyone is talking, there’s pressure, and people want all the details. It can be horrible. Then if the relationship doesn’t work out after just one date, you don’t want to go out again because everyone assumes you’re dating that person. It just makes things so much more complicated. That’s why, in the Haredi world, relationships are generally kept quiet until a couple gets engaged. In the less Haredi community, people tend to keep things private until the relationship is serious and genuinely going somewhere.” 

“And if you really don’t want to be spotted, avoid driving through the streets of Glenhazel. It can feel like every second car belongs to someone you know, and before you’ve even finished the date, half the community seems to know you were out,” says Ronthal. 

An anonymous Johannesburg matchmaker believes going for coffee or a drink is perfect for a first date, not a meal or an activity because that puts too much pressure on things. 

“It’s extremely important that the couple, especially for the first few dates, don’t go to the usual restaurants and coffee shops in the shtetl as everyone knows everyone and, within seconds, everyone will be talking, and truly it’s none of anyone’s business,” she says. 

“If the date goes well and it ends up being your person, that place will always carry a special place for you. And do you really want to be at Frangelicas with the whole community on a date with you?” 

Online dating strategy guru Michaela Tobias says that over her more than 20 first dates she has been to possibly every suitable location in Johannesburg. 

“Growing up in Jewish Joburg and keeping kosher, I always imagined those movie-style first dates ‒ going out for dinner at a restaurant ‒ but assumed they weren’t possible. Then I had a first date at Burger Park, and it was exactly what I’d always pictured. We had dinner, didn’t bump into anyone we knew, and it felt relaxed and natural. It was wonderful,” she says. 

“Some people will only meet in a hotel lobby or busy coffee shop because it feels public. Others go completely the opposite direction. Personally, I think the answer is somewhere in the middle.” 

An anonymous single man in his late 20s explained that when he had started dating through matchmakers, he was advised to plan dates where they couldn’t be seen by other Jews. While the reasons ranged from halachic considerations to relationship psychology, the common principle was that couples should keep their relationship private until they were ready to involve their families. As a result, they avoided Jewish neighbourhoods, and even the location and timing of dates were carefully planned to minimise the chance of being recognised. 

“In the time since, I have been on many first dates and have found this to be the preference of my dates as well,” he said. “Only one woman I went out with didn’t mind being seen on a date with me inside the Jewish area. Some dates said they were introverted and felt less shy in a distant venue. Some dates were embarrassed and concerned that a passerby would spread gossip ‒ and then her community would know she was dating. And some dates felt obliged to comply with everything the matchmaker and shadchans instructed us to do.” 

One of his ideal date spots is a hotel lobby. However, that isn’t very viable in South Africa. “A couple cannot just go to a hotel lobby like in Israel. Johannesburg isn’t Jerusalem. Because of crime and other factors, there are few hotels that allow walk-ins to sit in their lobby. Going to these runs the risk of seeing other dating couples with the same intent. Some dates have been okay with this, others not,” he says. 

“If hotel lobbies aren’t viable, then non-kosher restaurants and cafes are next. This raises obvious kashrus concerns. Another concern is chillul Hashem (desecrating G-d). Some dates I have taken to non-kosher restaurants because of privacy concerns have refused to order a cold drink or a beverage,” he says. “I have often felt that this is a potential chillul Hashem because there is a social expectation for both people to order something from the menu. To navigate this, I always order a Coke for myself and a table water. That way the restaurant doesn’t feel resentment over the loss of a table that could go to dining customers.” 

Tobias believes that hotel lobbies and bars aren’t automatically the best option, nor is driving an hour away to somewhere more secluded. If it’s planned well, a first date in a more private setting can be really special, she says. “Private doesn’t have to mean isolated. It just means somewhere you can actually get to know each other without feeling like you’re on display.” 

However, the venue doesn’t matter half as much as the person sitting in front of you. 

“The perfect location can’t create chemistry that isn’t there, and an ordinary coffee shop can feel magical if you’re with the right person,” Tobias says. “A thoughtfully chosen setting can certainly enhance a first date, but it’s never the reason a date becomes memorable. The company is.”