Loneliness of being a parent to your parents

Emigration is a constant reality in South Africa, so it’s rare to find a group of adult siblings all living in the same country. This means that one of them is often left to care for ageing parents, and being the sole caregiver comes with unique challenges. 

Though Beverley Isakow is one of multiple siblings, she is now the only one left in South Africa to care for her 89-year-old mother. Isakow’s mom moved in with her and her family more than 20 years ago after her father passed away. Yet over time, Sandringham Gardens became the best option for her particularly because it provided supervision, stimulation, and proximity to her friends. Though her mother is happy there and receives excellent care, Isakow visits and runs errands for her regularly and is the first port of call when problems arise. 

“Emotionally and mentally, it’s rough at times,” she says. “When life gets you down, you think, ‘When is the time for me?’ If things get stressful, I do feel alone. I can always reach out to my siblings telephonically, but it’s not the same. However, they do support her from there as much as they can.” 

Her pivotal role in her mother’s life means that emigration isn’t an option for Isakow and her family. “Not that we’re thinking of making aliya, but if we were, I could never leave my mom,” she says. “She always says, ‘Don’t leave me. If you ever go, I’m coming with you,’ so there’s a bit of guilt involved. “I love my mom to bits, but it’s heavy when you’re on your own.” 

Isakow is grateful for her husband’s support and feels lucky to have her mother around still. “I do feel blessed that I was chosen to look after her in her golden years,” she says, “so it’s never a burden, but obviously, it does have an impact on one’s life.” 

When both her brothers emigrated 30 years ago, Janine Baum decided to remain in South Africa to provide support for her parents, even though she had a Green Card. She had no idea how this decision would play out. Not only did she suffer a stroke last year, she also lost her mother. 

“My father is a difficult man who always wants attention and phones me constantly, and I can’t say no to him ever,” she says. At the age of 83, her father lives in a flat, still works full-time, has two housekeepers who help care for him, and refuses to go to a retirement village. “I need to manage his doctor’s appointments, call his staff, everything is on me,” Baum says. “I also run a business.” 

Particularly since her stroke, Baum has relied on her partner. “If it weren’t for him, I don’t know what would happen. My brothers aren’t involved in his day-to-day life, but if I needed them, they would definitely come. One said he must go and live there, but he won’t. 

“It’s difficult,” she says, “but it’s what I chose. At least I have done everything in my power for him.” Yet she says, she’s learned that you can’t live your life for your parents, you need to think about your own future. 

Batya Fine* has a 95-year-old mother who has lived with her and her husband for the past five years. With all her brothers living overseas, much of the responsibility for her mother’s care lies with her. “My brothers do try to visit annually, but they have their own concerns and families.” While they contribute financially, Fine says the costs of supporting her mother add up. “You put your kids through Jewish school, but when 20 years later, you’re suddenly picking up those expenses again, it’s hard.” 

There’s also the emotional complexity that comes with the role reversal that caring for a parent involves. “Being sole caregiver for an elderly parent forces one to navigate a psychological ‘identity crisis’ for both individual and parent,” says counselling psychologist Lisa Hirschowitz. “Unlike raising a child – where the goal is increasing independence – elderly care involves managing a slow and painful decline. This creates a sense of grief in real time, where one is forced to mourn the loss of the parent one once knew as well as anticipating further health struggles.” 

With a flexible but demanding job and only part-time domestic help, Fine is sometimes forced to leave her mother at home alone. “It’s a bit scary when I come home, hoping that she’s not going to be lying on the floor, which has happened before. Thankfully there have only been external injuries.” 

Fine says she no longer has a romanticised view of old age and caring for parents. “I’d always thought it was a blessing to be able to look after your parents but right now, I’m not coping,” she says. With her mental acuity declining, Fine’s mother often unknowingly interrupts her work or wants to chat when she’s in a rush. 

When Fine recently had an operation, she suggested that her mother temporarily move into a home. “She fell to pieces. I don’t want to do it to her, but I’m reaching the point where I don’t know how to do this.” Yet, Fine says her mother isn’t demanding. “She’s quite happy to sit on the patio with the dogs and they follow her around. When her time comes, I want her to just go to sleep on my patio. But it’s not an easy situation.” 

Hirschowitz suggests keeping communication open with siblings living overseas. “In order to preserve a sibling relationship and one’s mental health while caring for an elderly parent alone, one needs to shift the idea of ‘us versus them’, to ‘us versus the situation’,” she says. “In so doing, one brings about a team mentality rather than having to make all big decisions alone.” 

*Name has been changed.