The social exclusion of singles

When you’re married or in a long-term relationship, your social life often revolves around gatherings such as couples’ dinners and Shabbat get-togethers. Should you and your partner split up, these dynamics can shift quite suddenly, changing existing friendships or necessitating the development of new singles’ circles. 

“Before my ex and I got divorced, we often used to go to dinner parties and out for meals with a number of couples,” says Hannah Jacobson*. Yet, after her divorce, she noticed that she was no longer receiving invites from couples. 

“I pointed this out to other people who were divorced and they said, ‘Welcome to the club’,” she recalls. “They told me that it’s generally married women who feel threatened by divorced women. If you’re unattractive, maybe you have a better chance of being invited, but I wasn’t that bad I guess.” 

Reflecting on this perceived threat, Jacobson says the irony is that her husband’s infidelity ended their marriage. “So, the last thing I would ever do is get involved with a married man because I know how hurtful that is.” 

While Jacobson has now been divorced for several years and sometimes meets her married female friends for a morning coffee without their partners, the couples’ dinner dynamics have never changed. “It’s different with married family members, but otherwise I’m just very lucky to have a lot of great female friends who are single,” she says. 

Jacobson believes that the exclusion of single women isn’t rooted in spite and is often subconscious. People don’t want an odd man – or woman – out when the rest of the crowd is made up of couples. The only time they’ll possibly invite you, she says, is with other single women, or a single man they’re trying to set you up with. “Being the only single person among couples doesn’t worry me at all though. I’m very happy in my own skin.” 

Divorcee Mike Sacks* also says he’s heard that married women don’t want single females around their husbands. For men though, he says, the invitations often evaporate for different reasons. When he was married, Friday nights and Saturdays were dominated by Shabbat meals with other couples, but Sacks was never involved in making those plans. So as a single man, his weekends looked very different. 

“Typically, even if you’re at shul every day, it’s not the men who do the inviting,” he says, “it’s their wives. He doesn’t think of it, and there’s no way she’s phoning me to invite me – married women don’t phone single men and ask them to social events.” 

While Sacks says he was formerly part of the religious community and is still a regular shulgoer, community members are generally partnered up. “It’s very hard to be frum and single above a certain age when others are married and have kids. I know many people who either haven’t been married or have gotten divorced and have decided that they can’t be religious anymore.” 

Following his divorce, Sacks says he made friends with a group of singles. They would go out for drinks or dancing, which was more about having fun than trying to pick up dates, a stigma that often surrounds such environments, he says. While that doesn’t happen as regularly now, he still socialises with fellow singles at different events. “I’ve always had an eclectic bunch of friends,” he says, “but I’m also a solitary, thick-skinned guy who’s happy to go out on my own. But for some people that’s damn hard.” 

This is true for Yael Silver*, who is scared to attend singles events alone after a bad divorce and a long illness. “Getting out of bed and going to a place where you know nobody, you ask, ‘What are they going to think of me? Who’s saying what behind your back?’ It becomes very hard when you’ve been so isolated.” 

While Sacks is outgoing, he also goes through rough patches, he says. “There are times when it’s just lonely and it’s not easy.” 

Loneliness is also a factor for single father of two David Klein*, who’s been divorced for more than 10 years. “I had a very hectic social life in my 20s, and I got married in my early 30s. During the marriage, most of our friends were the parents of the kids from the school. A lot of my single friends, or those I had before I was married, fell by the wayside.” 

When Klein got divorced, he found himself being neglected by married friends. “I found very quickly that, especially as a divorced father, I was dumped by most of these people. I became persona non grata and I wasn’t included in any plans.” As their wives stayed close to Klein’s ex, the husbands couldn’t socialise with him anymore. Even friends from his single days were now married so while some of these friendships endured, their lifestyles were different. 

For a long time, his children, whom he saw every weekend, were Klein’s saving grace. The only other social life he had was through colleagues and work functions. Yet as his children got older, they no longer spent as much time with him. “For a year, it was very lonely and I was watching Netflix on the couch almost every weekend.” 

Eventually Klein was introduced to Wholesome Spaces, a community organisation that helps people in their 30s and above to meet. “I made some good friendships in a short space of time through that group. Being a sociable guy is the one thing I have going for me.” He however worries about whether these friendships will endure, as he has experienced past rifts when fellow singles couple up. “That’s a fear I have, of growing old alone, the kids moving away, and not having anyone around,” he admits. 

Michelle K Blumenau, whose husband passed away 14 years ago, says becoming a widow in her 40s was traumatic. “It took many years to come to terms with the changes that it brought. Some people were tremendously supportive of me. Then there were other ‘friends’ who disappeared. I found that shocking. Not only did I lose my husband, I lost people. I had naively thought that friendships carry through for a lifetime.” 

After reading Let Them by Mel Robbins, Blumenau realised that with the loss of her husband, the energy had changed as she and her friends were no longer in the same stage of life. While it took great strength to rebuild a like-minded social circle, Blumenau made a conscious effort to find new single friends. 

“I found a younger friendship circle as a result,” she says. “In a way, their lifestyle is more similar to the lifestyle I lead than that of my married friends. For instance, a few of us may holiday together and we go out for dinner several times a week, as living alone, I need more social contact.” 

*Name has been changed due to social sensitivities.