Big yomtavim aren’t for everyone

For many Jewish families, the high holy days mean crowded dining tables, packed synagogue services, familiar rituals, and generations coming together. But for others, those traditions can make the yomtavim difficult. 

Some find large gatherings overwhelming. Others have painful family relationships or financial pressures. A crowded synagogue can make praying itself difficult. 

Their responses vary. Some stay home, others attend smaller gatherings, and some leave town altogether. 

“As an introvert, I find big family gatherings overwhelming and draining,” said one Cape Town parent. “My kids are also introverts so when we go to these gatherings, I’m trying to manage their feelings of being overwhelmed along with mine. This makes it stressful.” 

Their approach to the high holy days has changed from year to year. In recent years, the family has attended small gatherings, stayed home, or gone away. “We often find that enjoying South Africa’s beautiful scenery is a meaningful and special way of pausing and marking these moments,” the parent said. 

This year, the family plans to celebrate yomtov at home. “I see it as a positive step in starting our own traditions in a way that works for us,” the parent said. 

However, choosing a quieter celebration hasn’t always been easy. The parent said there had been feelings of guilt, and judgement from family members who didn’t fully accept why large gatherings were difficult. 

“There is definitely this expectation. But just because we find these gatherings overwhelming, doesn’t mean we love our family less or our Judaism less.” 

The parent believes communities need to recognise that not everyone experiences communal celebrations in the same way. “Judaism is a very extroverted religion, but not every Jew is extroverted and we need to make space for introverted Jews, who can’t always be part of big gatherings,” they said. “There should be less judgement and more understanding that some people find being alone or being in nature a more meaningful and spiritual experience.” 

Others avoid high holy day gatherings because of difficult family relationships. Cape Town resident David*, 42, stopped attending synagogue services five years ago after an acrimonious fallout with his immediate family. 

“When Rosh Hashanah rolls around, the silence in my apartment is deafening,” he said. 

“Every WhatsApp group in the community is buzzing with family recipes and table layouts, but for me, showing up at shul means running into the very people who cut me out.” 

He said this doesn’t mean he’s abandoned Judaism. “It’s not that I’ve abandoned my faith or my heritage. I miss the shofar terribly,” he said. 

However, being surrounded by families at another synagogue can intensify his sense of isolation. “Walking into a sanctuary full of families sitting together in matching suits, holding hands, and pretending everything is perfect just reopens wounds I’ve spent years trying to heal.” 

David said the expectation that people should put family disagreements aside during the holidays can overlook the reality of fractured relationships. “They don’t realise that sitting two rows away from someone who refuses to speak to you turns a sacred space into an emotional minefield.” 

He now marks Rosh Hashanah alone at home. “Now, I dip my apple in honey alone on my balcony,” he said. “It’s quiet, and it’s lonely, but it’s real.” 

For Johannesburg resident Leah*, 38, the barrier is financial. She is a single mother of two who’s faced financial hardship since the COVID-19 pandemic. The cost of synagogue seats, holiday meals, outfits, and gifts are prohibitive. “The high holy days have become ridiculously expensive and nobody in our community wants to talk about it openly,” she said. 

She knows that some synagogues provide financial assistance or subsidised seats, but “having to submit your bank statements to prove you are ‘poor enough’ to pray with your community strips away every last bit of your dignity”. 

Leah said financial pressure affects social participation around the holidays. “When you can’t afford to contribute to the festival meals or host people, you start quietly withdrawing,” she said. 

Her children have noticed the difference. “My kids asked me why we aren’t going to the big family services this year,” she said. “How do you explain to a nine-year-old that holiness has been priced out of our budget?” 

Leah has therefore created a spiritual space for her family at home. 

For Pretoria resident Talia*, 29, large services present a different challenge. She has sensory processing disorder and social anxiety. 

“For someone with severe sensory overload, a high holy day service is a nightmare disguised as a mitzvah,” Talia said. She described packed pews, noise, children moving through the aisles, strong perfume, and bright lights as triggers. “My nervous system goes into full fight-or-flight within 20 minutes. Yom Kippur is supposed to be about reflection and atonement, but I spend the entire day fighting off panic attacks.” 

She feels judged when she leaves a service to recover. “There is so much unspoken judgement if you step out every 15 minutes to catch your breath,” she said. 

Talia has found an alternative way to mark the day. “I’ve traded the packed main sanctuary for an individual walk in nature with an audio recording of the shofar.” 

She said it had taken time to accept that observing the holidays could look different. “It took years to forgive myself for not fitting the mould of how a ‘good Jewish person’ observes the holidays. But peace of mind has to come first.” 

The experiences of these four people point to different ways Jews can mark Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. They include smaller family gatherings, time in nature, private prayer, or creating traditions at home. 

For the Cape Town parent, the key is allowing people to make those choices without assuming they reflect a lack of love for family or Judaism. “If someone can’t attend a big yomtov, don’t take it personally,” they said. “Rather understand that it’s not for everyone, and that is perfectly okay.” 

*Interviewees have requested anonymity for privacy reasons.