WhatsApp, wallets, and weird dresses – a bridesmaid’s dilemma

In Jewish weddings, being asked to stand under the chuppah isn’t just about matching dresses or holding flowers, it’s about being part of a sacred circle of friends and family. But along with the honour comes the stress: the endless WhatsApp groups, the fittings squeezed between Shabbat preparation, and the delicate dance of balancing simcha with the pressure to keep up appearances.

Every Jewish wedding is built on the idea of community, and being a bridesmaid means you’re not just a bystander, you’re part of the engine that keeps the simcha running. From organising the sheva brachot to making sure the bride eats something between the badeken and the dancing, there’s a lot more responsibility than people imagine. Add to that the financial strain of gowns, gifts, and travel, and suddenly, the honour of standing under the chuppah starts to feel like a marathon of logistics and emotional labour.

For a 20-something in Johannesburg who has been in seven retinues, the biggest stressor is the financial aspect. “Sometimes huge budgets are expected, and not everyone can afford to contribute what is being asked, but are too embarrassed to say anything,” she said.

This financial stress extends to getting the right dress, organising the bachelorette and kitchen tea, as well as makeup artists and hairstylists.

Johannesburg dressmaker Marion Pohl says that while it’s exciting for those who are in the retinue, it’s often financially taxing.

“It’s not only the burden of the dresses, there’s also the financial strain of the bachelorette, the challah bake, the kitchen tea, and then there’s a new thing where bridesmaids buy the bride presents every month for three months before the wedding.”

Pohl says that when a bridesmaid is in many retinues and has to buy a new dress every time, it becomes even more of a financial burden.

“Besides the fact that it’s a financial burden, often the bride chooses a colour that the bridesmaids will never wear again, and quite a lot of bridesmaids tend to feel resentful that they have to pay for a dress that they’re going to wear once, that they hate the colour of, and that they’ll never wear again.”

Lynn Hoff, who has been in many weddings both as a bridesmaid and as a makeup artist, says that the choice of colour and style of the dress can be the most stressful for a bridesmaid. For many bridesmaids, if they don’t like the style or colour of the dress, they have to wear it anyway. “I once had to wear a dress I hated. I wore it, and changed after the ceremony was over,” she says.

Dressmaker Susan Jaff says that some of her clients who come in looking for bridesmaid dresses see it almost as a grudge purchase because they have to get the dress made, and chances are it will be in a colour that won’t be their first pick.

“The bride has usually chosen a colour. And they’ve got to comply with that colour. And you know, girls don’t really want to be spending a huge amount of money on a dress that they haven’t designed and in a colour that they’ve been dictated to wear. Sometimes brides are very prescriptive about what they want them to wear,” says Jaff.

Hoff says every wedding she has encountered has handled the finances of the dresses a different way. In some scenarios, the bride will buy the fabric and the bridesmaids will get their dresses made in the style they want. In other scenarios, the bride will buy her bridesmaids their dresses as a gift.

“When I was a bridesmaid for a cousin, she bought the fabric, and I paid for the seamstress,” she says. “My best friend paid for my dress and told me to wear any style I liked, she just chose the colours and I had it made. At my sister’s wedding back in 1993, we all wore white, and she paid for everyone’s dresses.”

Ariel Snoyman, who has been in six retinues so far, says that the hardest part about being a bridesmaid is keeping up with numerous WhatsApp groups. “There are always a lot of groups with a lot of information, and keeping track and contributing to everything is difficult,” she says.

Snoyman says that for every retinue she has been in, she has had to buy a new dress. “I have always had to get a different dress. The process varies,” she says. “Sometimes we have to make the dresses from material the bride has bought, and some of the time we are asked to buy a certain dress, mainly from Shein. One wedding was black, so we could wear any black dress.”

Danit Gordon, who has been both a bridesmaid and a makeup artist for numerous weddings, says that despite all the stress the wedding party goes through, she’s always astounded at the extent of the joy people feel.

“I’m always struck by how much thought and care goes into it,” she says. “Beyond the dresses, hair, and makeup, it’s the way bridesmaids pour themselves into the planning and the support, and somehow, even with all the stress and money that goes into it, they carry it with such joy.”