Work-life balance means dropping some balls

Happy marriage, thriving kids, successful career, active social life, regular exercise. For decades, women especially have been sold the lie that we can have it all. Which is why when the perfect balance proves unattainable, many feel excessive guilt and frustration. 

Confronting this dilemma at a parent morning at King David Primary School Linksfield on 30 July, social worker and therapist Judy Alter admitted she didn’t have all the answers. While as far back as the baby-boomer generation, women have been told they can have it all, she said, this simply creates unrealistic expectations. 

“When I became a young wife and mother, I was led to believe you could be the mother, the wife, hold down a job, be a good daughter, see your friends, and have it all. It was all there for the taking. In a way, that was even worse than not being told anything at all, because I strived for it. And I couldn’t understand why it didn’t happen,” she said. 

When you’re at work, you’re worried about your children. When you’re at home, you’re stressing about impending deadlines. “You’re just running after your own tail all the time, and wherever you are, you shouldn’t be there,” Alter said. Ultimately, she argued, you can’t have it all. 

“Wherever you are is where you’re meant to be, but there’s something that you’re going to have to let go of, and that’s okay. It doesn’t make you less of anything, it just makes you a sensible person who’s realistic in setting expectations.” You might choose to put off having children until you’ve achieved your career goals or, conversely, take a break from full-time work to focus on parenting. “There’s a time and a season for everything.” 

While having a two-income household is often a necessity today, creating a work-life balance isn’t taking your pile of commitments and dividing them equally, Alter said. “Nobody can do that and not feel as if they’ve got something wrong because they’re time watching rather than being in the moment.” There will always be things that won’t get done, and you’ll need to let go of the idea that you’re only good enough when and if you maintain the perfect juggle. 

Only you can determine your priorities. This requires being honest about who you are, what you can manage, what you want, and what holds value for you in different contexts. Where do your partner, your kids, your boss, and self-care fit in? 

It’s often about what stage of life you’re in. When you have younger children and are also working, you may only have energy to manage those two things well. “While I encourage putting energy towards your marriage, it’s probably not a daily priority for you at this stage,” Alter said. “By the time you get into bed, you’re exhausted, you’re irritable, and taking care of the marriage is hard.” Yet unless that is examined and discussed, it will create difficulties. So, in maintaining self-awareness, these things need to be confronted. 

Alter also tackled the need to carve out family time, especially on weekends. Unfortunately, for many families, weekends are often also jampacked with extramurals like soccer clubs or dance lessons. “Here’s what you probably don’t know yet,” she said. “Your son is not Cristiano Ronaldo. Your daughter is not Margot Fonteyn. The kind of energy and money that’s put towards extramurals and that weekend schlep is a waste of time. That time as a family will have more value for your child than club soccer three times a week. Pick an extramural and go for it, but don’t pick five.” 

Research consistently shows that what young children want most is time with their parents. Whether you go out for ice cream, have a picnic in the garden, or simply watch a show with them when you’re feeling depleted, those will be the memories that stick. 

“What they’re effectively looking for, which is probably the strongest cornerstone of balance in life, is connection,” Alter said. “The only thing that will make you feel well situated in your life is strong connections, which seems to be the panacea for most ailments.” This is even more relevant today, when technology has ironically fostered a world with less genuine human connection. 

“The balance for you is the connection to your child and to your partner,” she said. “The balance for your children is connection to their siblings and parents. It’s thinking about what you value and putting energy into that, with the knowledge that none of us is superhuman or can do well at everything.” It may be hard now, but think about the lessons you’re teaching your child for the future. 

Alter also stressed the importance of parents setting boundaries for their children, bemoaning the rise of gentle parenting. It’s not about being a dictator, she said, it’s about your children knowing who’s boss. “There’s a lot of value in them feeling safe around who is steering this ship.” One can combine parenting approaches in that your child can choose whether they’ll wear the red or blue jersey, but they will wear a jersey, she said. “Once they have a sense of safety in your home, everything else about your comfort starts to settle. You’re not fighting all the time. You want to connect with them because they’re easier.” 

Setting boundaries for yourself without the self-imposed guilt trip is as important. Being able to say no teaches your children to do the same. “If you can’t say no to a child, to your own parent, or to your boss, they hear it. You will never train them to take care of their own bodies, emotional health, or self-regulation because children do as they see, not as they’re told. It’s about setting the boundary, being flexible around it, and taking care of your emotional health, to teach your children how important it is to take care of theirs. The flexibility in balancing your life and being kind to yourself about what you can manage is critical.”