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Never too early to teach about prejudice

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Lifestyle

In an era in which division and “othering” are rife, topics like racism and equality can be difficult to discuss with children. Jews are no strangers to discrimination, but how can we broach the subject with our youngsters and ensure that they are sensitive to differences between people?

“The majority of children in our country are aware of differences between themselves and others and, due to our history, are particularly sensitive to differences in race,” says Catherine Boyd, the education manager at the Johannesburg Holocaust & Genocide Centre.

“While some children are more exposed to ideas and language around identity politics than previous generations, others aren’t able to articulate what they see and feel until they are encouraged and guided.”

Boyd, along with education officer Mduduzi Ntuli and educator Rene Pozniak, make up the education team at the centre, dealing with the subject of prejudice among youngsters. The centre runs an identity activity to help young people articulate their differences and perhaps even their prejudices.

“Of course, family culture is a dominant influence in what they think, but they are as vulnerable to hate speech as adults are,” says Boyd. “That hate speech can be equally reinforced by family, peer pressure, and acts of ‘othering’ they see around them.”

The fact that most Jewish youngsters attend almost exclusively Jewish schools can put them at something of a disadvantage, says Pozniak.

“There is no doubt that the pupils at an all-white, Jewish school lack the opportunity to interact with pupils from another cultural group,” she says. “As a result, this lack of diversity and the limited contact they do have [be it doing sport or any other extra mural] makes it unlikely for it to translate into a meaningful relationship.”

However, many pupils are aware of this gap, she says, shown by many programmes supported by pupils aimed at tikkun olam (repairing the world) like charity collections.

“There is no question that these pupils are familiar with the concepts of prejudice, stereotyping, marginalisation, and ‘othering’. Their in-depth learning about Jewish history, and especially the lessons still being gleaned from the Holocaust experience, have made them acutely aware of diversity and cultural differences,” Pozniak says.

The subject of equality is probably discussed more in schools than in the broader community, Pozniak says, pointing out that there have recently been attempts to correct this.

“The South African Jewish Board of Deputies has cautioned how important it is to be genuinely involved in the broader community, playing our part in healing our nation and being instrumental in it moving in a positive direction,” she says. “Various communal institutions have been vocal in their opposition to any display of discrimination, be it against the Jewish community or any other community.

“Degrees of awareness and subsequent involvement with the issue of equality depend on the generation you’re socialised in. Current school pupils are post-apartheid students, without any first-hand experience of the kind of racial discrimination experienced by their parents and grandparents. They haven’t been tainted by that experience, and are thus more comfortable with other cultures and racial groups, given the opportunity to interact.

“There is always room for improvement, and every opportunity should be sought to interact with as many different people as possible,” Pozniak says.

A good starting point for parents is to talk about their children’s own identities.

“Discuss how they think about themselves, their families, and their communities. In this way, they can begin to understand and appreciate that their own identities are multifaceted and fluid, and that if this is true for them – that they are not defined by a stereotype – then they are encouraged to see others as individuals with multifaceted identities.

“Empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of another, is something that can be modelled, practised, and encouraged at home from an early age. This can be done by encouraging curiosity about others, developing communication and listening skills, and challenging prejudice and stereotypes.”

Such interaction can even be encouraged amongst younger children. This is the motivation behind Crayation Nation, a children’s book written by Asif Segal centred on a box of coloured pencils to explain that engaging with people, thoughts, or traditions which are different isn’t a bad thing.

“I tried to find a way to describe a situation in a way that children could relate to,” says Segal. “A box of crayons or pencils is colourful, has different uses for each one of the crayons or pencils, and if combined can create something new that wasn’t originally there.

“To children in general, race or colour makes absolutely no difference at all. It’s in later years once they have been exposed to the thoughts or attitude of the adults around them that the issue becomes more significant.

“I hope that by realising that a box of crayons or pencils has different characters in it, they can understand that they are all there to complement each other, just like in the world around us.”

Discussion between parents and children shouldn’t revolve around race, Segal stresses, pointing out that inequality or intolerance of difference isn’t only about race.

“It’s a worldwide problem that’s manifested in everything from bullying, gender, sexual orientation, tradition, religion, and life choices,” he says. “We should attempt to give children the tools to make the correct choices in life, to allow them not to judge at first sight but keep an open mind.”

Simone Kur, the book’s illustrator, says that discrimination is becoming more of an issue and believes that the book can make a difference to how parents and teachers approach the subject and teach its lessons.

“The world is still very backward when it comes to accepting different people,” she says. “It makes you realise that not everyone is that open-minded about accepting. It seems that now, under the pandemic, people are even less tolerant of each other and are quick to judge.”

Crayation Nation is aimed at teaching children not to judge too quickly when faced with an uncomfortable situation, and to take ideas from others.

“Developing tolerance and striving for equality isn’t just important for children, but it’s easier for them because they’re younger. If everyone took time to see how important it is not to judge others and be tolerant, we would all be a lot better off.”

  • ‘Crayation Nation’ is available on Takealot, at selected Exclusive Books stores, and from Farm Animal Publications.

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Community

COVID-19 crashes the party for kosher caterers

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The sudden closure of Gary Friedman Caterers, one of Johannesburg’s largest and much-loved kosher caterers, has left the community in shock and shone a spotlight on a troubled industry dramatically affected by the pandemic.

During the best of times, kosher catering is tough, the overheads and costs are high, the margins are small, and the community is dwindling, say insiders. During bad times, it’s seemingly impossible, and many are hanging by a thread.

According to many insiders who wish to remain anonymous, the world of kosher is fraught with a toxic blend of favouritism, nepotism, and fierce competitiveness which has led to market cannibalism and an unsustainable future for many.

Kosher industry players are doing what they can to stay afloat. Innovative ideas by one caterer advertised on Facebook are sometimes copied the next day by another, sometimes for less. Several establishments are selling the same products or dishes, often at lower prices than their neighbouring kosher competitors. The exorbitant and rising cost of meat and chicken continues to rear its head and plague consumers.

Even before COVID-19, but certainly during the pandemic, there has been a proliferation of home industries that profess to be kosher but aren’t certified by the Beth Din. These are run by people who are also trying to make an honest living. However, they are having a negative impact on the bigger players who have Beth Din kosher licencing fees, mashgichim fees, high rentals, large staff complements, and other business overheads to account for.

Kosher caterers and restaurateurs have been hit doubly hard by the see-saw, stop-start nature of business during wave after wave of COVID-19 lockdown restrictions. An industry heavily reliant on simchas, celebrations, and festive good times, it has taken an irreparable knock. In spite of impressive pivoting, unprecedented resilience, grit, and hard work, many say it has become too difficult.

“It’s a very difficult time,” said Leonard Meyerowitz of Kosher Pie Works and Jozi Coffee Pizza Pasta. COVID-19 restrictions with no seating at eateries or very limited numbers at functions; the drastic drop to zero simchas from shul brochas, brit milah, weddings, Barmitzvahs and Batmitzvahs have taken a toll.

“Add to this the number of days we are closed because of Shabbos, fast days, and Jewish holidays, rising emigration, not to forget Eskom power cuts, it’s really hard on all of us,” he said.

South Africa has enjoyed being a flagship of kosher food around the world, but it’s slowly losing its big anchor establishments, said one concerned supplier.

Just after noon on Tuesday, 6 July, Gary and his wife, Tamara, dropped the bombshell in a letter to all their clients and suppliers explaining that their company was no longer able to weather the storm of COVID-19.

It brought to an end an era of simcha and revelry at the HOD, where he largely operated from. Friedman declined to comment further.

Several caterers and kosher suppliers this week expressed genuine sadness, perhaps seeing themselves reflected in the mirror of his company’s demise. “I was devastated when I heard the news,” said trained chef and caterer Hayley Hack. “Gary is such a good, kind man.”

Hack and her former partner, Sharon Sheer, parted ways amicably when COVID-19 decimated their once thriving, small catering and function co-ordinating business.

“It simply wasn’t financially viable to work as a team anymore, especially with 90% of our functions being cancelled. We walked away with a heavy heart, but at least we didn’t incur debt. It’s very sad because we were established in the industry,” she said.

In the beginning, they tried to make money by selling delicious salad dressings and delivering meals, but found that it wasn’t viable, so parted ways to work on their own after terminating their contract with function venue The Middleton in Morningside. Hack continues to cater on a small scale and Sheer remains hopeful that functions will resume and things will get better once lockdown is lifted.

Long-time caterer Estelle Sacharowitz of Love is in the Kitchen said she was “heartbroken” when she heard about Friedman. “He has an incredible legacy. This is a sad loss for the industry,” she said.

Ian Isenberg, of Spice Premium Biltong & Butchery said, “Gary is the ultimate mensch in the industry. He gave me a chance as a newcomer, and even when the chips were down for him, he still helped to cater a wedding [last month] for a couple who couldn’t afford it. He did a lot for the community and his staff. This is a huge loss.”

Some caterers who wish to remain anonymous for fear of repercussion say the Gary Friedman closure goes far beyond caterers.

In spite of a humbled Beth Din following the Stan & Pete treif chicken scandal and the continuing saga of the high cost of kosher food, the organisation is seemingly unsympathetic at this time, they say.

“The Beth Din has improved its accessibility and receptivity, but it’s still not customer-centric and now more than ever, it needs to be,” said one kosher caterer who wished to remain anonymous.

“Where is the Beth Din now when we need all the support we can get?” asked another.

“Kosher food and catering is prohibitive. The Beth Din has to do something about the exorbitant cost of kosher meat and chicken, end of story,” said another commentator, who also wished to remain anonymous. “Kosher chicken breasts cost between R244 and R268 per kilogram. Something isn’t right. It has become utterly unaffordable, and it’s affecting caterers and restaurants.

“Young couples are battling to keep kosher. Many are deciding it’s easier not to. My biggest concern is that kashrut is going to be diluted as more and more people resort to ‘kosher style’ food which is not under the Beth Din, like you see happening more and more in places like Australia.”

Rabbi Dovi Goldstein, the managing director of kashrut at the Beth Din, said the closure of Gary Friedman Caterers had come as a “huge blow to all of us”.

“We are in discussion with Gary as to various possibilities of how to assist him,” he said.

Kosher SA remained dedicated to ensuring the highest kosher standard, Goldstein said. “At the same time, we will continue to look at ways to assist all our establishments. We have, to date, provided payment holidays across the board during hard lockdowns, and extended help on a case-by-case basis.

“We are deeply concerned about the difficulties that all our certified food services are going through.”

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Making matches in heaven work on earth

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In celebration of Tu B’Av, the Jewish holiday of love, Mirah Langer asked communal spiritual leaders to share their personal stories and insights about relationships.

Rabbi Yossy and Rebbetzin Rochel Goldman

Life rabbi emeritus, Sydenham Shul: Johannesburg

After 48 years together, the Goldmans’ advice is that “the first 25 years are the hardest”, jokes Rabbi Goldman. In actuality, in their decades together and as the parents of 11 children and numerous grandchildren, the couple are a wealth of wisdom when it comes to relationships. “Understand that you won’t change people. Learn to respect each other. ‘Love’ is a four-letter word. So is ‘work’. It’s a work-in-progress. Be patient. People who rush to the lawyer often regret it.”

The Goldmans have forged a life of Jewish practice and service, and it’s this, ultimately, which they see as having centred their marriage together. “Living an observant, traditional Jewish life and feeling the presence of Hashem in your lives adds to your quality of life. Practices like Shabbos and mikvah go a long way to enhance marriage and family life,” reflect the couple, whose union was bestowed with the blessing of the Lubavitcher Rebbe right from the start.

“Though we came from somewhat different backgrounds in terms of our families, we had similar values and goals in life. We also received the guidance and blessings of the Rebbe to go ahead with it, and that gave us confidence,” the couple says.

They first met on the suggestion of Goldman’s sister, who had come to know Rochel at seminary. “I was studying in Montreal and she was working in New York. I flew in for a quick first date, and when we saw there was potential, we dated on my next trip to New York for a few weeks.”

Married in June 1973, their unity is forged by a belief in the importance and sanctity of marriage. “Once we had children, keeping the family strong, stable, happy, and together was a priority in our lives. We believe in bashert, that we are soulmates, so we just have to work things out.”

The couple study Torah and Chassidic philosophy together “which gives life greater depth”. Since lockdown, they have also enjoyed the simple pleasure of taking walks together.

Rabbi Levi and Rebbetzin Chaya Avtzon

Linksfield Senderwood Hebrew Congregation: Johannesburg

“He’s going to marry that girl!” This was the confident declaration of Rabbi Avtzon’s sister after he came home “grinning ear to ear” from his first date with Chaya.

“Less than three weeks later, we were officially engaged. You might say, ‘Three weeks – so long?’” they quip, “The truth is, we were ready after two weeks, but waited for Chaya’s parents to come from South Africa to celebrate the engagement.”

Although Chaya is from South Africa, they met when she had finished at seminary and was teaching in New Jersey. At the time, Avtzon was living with his family in New York City.

After their marriage, which took place in the Johannesburg City Hall, the couple settled in New York City. However, it was Avtzon, who about a year after being married, initiated moving to South Africa. Chaya didn’t need much convincing.

“Within two days, it was finalised. We moved here not long after. We had zero job prospects, just a strong intuition that this place would be good for us. How right we were!”

This week, on the 14th of Av, they celebrate their 12th Hebrew wedding anniversary. The couple, who are blessed with six children, say that the core of every marriage needs to be about “lots of talking and sharing”.

“Two adults working on becoming better people is the simple recipe” for positive relationships, suggest the Avtzons. “Marriage is made out to be much more complicated and sophisticated than it actually is. Most issues in marriage aren’t marriage issues per se. They are his or her individual character flaws that need work and maturing [from]. If two people work on themselves each day, the marriage will flourish.”

The couple continue to build a life of shared values together, and in their downtime, also enjoy the art of constructing something beautiful: completing puzzles and even sometimes Lego together.

Rabbi Sam and Rebbetzin Aviva Thurgood

Beit Midrash Morasha at Arthur’s Road: Cape Town

It was as Bnei Akiva madrichim at the age of 18 that Rabbi Sam and Rebbetzin Aviva Thurgood first met. “We started off being friends, and I think that really is a beautiful way to start,” reflects the rebbetzin.

While Thurgood jokes that getting married was a “leap of faith”, his wife reminds him how a lighter moment during camp duties become a deeper sign of the kind of union they realised they might share in the future. “Sam was fun-loving, as he is now. He had this cap, a special one that he had got from America. We were doing something with the kids [at Bnei] and it was lots of fun. We ended up with excess flour, and we started throwing flour and water at each other.”

Although it “ruined his cap, for which he’s never forgiven me”, laughs the rebbetzin, “he did once say to me that in that moment, he knew that we would have fun together. I think that’s a great quality to have in a relationship”.

From this starting point, their relationship has “continued to develop over time” and they are united in knowing that “we can learn together and from each other”. The parents of four children also believe in the importance of having common goals. “We have always been heading in the same direction, and even when we are at different places, we’re still converging rather than diverging,” says Thurgood.

The advice he gives the couples he marries is that “a happy marriage isn’t a given and isn’t even the average; a good, happy, and strong marriage is an above-average result, and will require an above-average effort. You can’t rely on an average amount of forgiveness, compassion, kindness, and conflict resolution. You have to bring an above-average amount of commitment to all of those things for true results.”

“I would just add, never stop enjoying being together,” says the rebbetzin. After all, throughout their relationship they have kept their bond with the same shared sense of joy and adventure that brought them together as teenagers. “Even when things are tough,” they always know that “we can laugh and have fun”, she says. Indeed, for a recent wedding anniversary – they have been married for 13 years – they went paragliding together. Next up, they hope, is a sky diving escapade!

Rabbi Greg Alexander and Student Rabbi Andrea Kuti

Temple Israel Cape Town Progressive Jewish Congregation

“We have been together for 20 years, and you don’t get there without being willing to apologise, forgive, be patient, understanding, agree to disagree, and make time for your relationship. All of this is important and holy work.” So reflects Rabbi Greg and student Rabbi Andrea Kuti on the path they have followed in their relationship.

The couple first met when he was at rabbinical school in London and she was running the cheder of the progressive synagogue in Budapest.

“The backstory is that [Andrea’s] rabbi was trying to shidduch [match-make] her with Greg’s chavrutah [study partner]. Before she met the chavrutah however, she met Greg, and then sat in on a text study session he was leading. They started to discuss Torah, and the rest is history.”

A week later, they begun to discuss marriage. Two decades and three children later, they have forged a connection on a number of levels. Together, they do Tai Chi and climb Table Mountain, and when it comes to principles and practices, they share “dreams, ideals, the way we imagine and dream about community, love of creativity, culture, ritual, love of theatre, love of being citizens of the world, love of music and singing together. Love. Work and more work. When things are difficult, you have to dig deep and work through it.”

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From the cockpit – secrets of a Jewish pilot

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Veteran South African pilot Robert Schapiro wrote Secrets from the Cockpit before he died. His wife, journalist Arlene Getz, talks to Mirah Langer about it.

How did the book come into being?

It evolved from Robert’s decision to write about his life for our son, Morgan. As Robert wrote in his introduction, Morgan loved his stories, and always said he should write them down.

Robert finished the manuscript after he was diagnosed with mesothelioma, a rare asbestos-related cancer that affects the lining of the lung, and I promised him I’d edit it and get it published.

The two of you attended Herzlia. What are some of your earliest memories of him and his determination to break the mould of expected careers for “nice Jewish boys” at the time?

Robert and I met when we were in a school play in primary school. Even back then, flying was all he talked about. I remember clearly how so many people either made fun of him for it or just felt sorry for him because flying school was so competitive.

For me, Robert’s memoir is relevant on many levels. Yes, it’s about a young man who fought the odds to live his dream. But it’s more than just the story of one person’s life. It’s also a snapshot of an era in the evolution of aviation and in the history of South Africa.

In order to fulfil Robert’s dream of becoming a pilot, he had to enter the apartheid-era South African Air Force and was even involved in the border war. Yet, he was clearly ideologically against the state. How did he navigate this?

Remember this was the 1970s, when all the young men of my generation were conscripted for national service, and many of them did get deployed to the border. What was different was that his passion for flying made him agree to join the Permanent Force because it was the only way he could get the pilot training he needed to get into South African Airways (SAA).

He was subject to rampant antisemitism. How did he cope?

Robert sums up the antisemitism right at the start of the book, when he wrote, “Not a day – sometimes not an hour – of my years in the South African military went by without one of my Afrikaner barrack mates calling me Jood [Jew]. They weren’t saying it to be nice.”

He said that it wasn’t unusual for the Jewish recruits to be pulled out of the ranks to do unpleasant menial jobs. In Robert’s case, it must have been worse because he would have been the lone Jew.

Sometimes he’d have to talk his way out of things, like the time when his barracks mates asked him to speak “Jewish”. He started telling them in Hebrew how little he thought of them, and realised when he saw their shocked faces that he’d actually switched his insults into Afrikaans by mistake.

Most times, he said, he ignored it unless it became more than harmless name-calling. Then he either fought back hard or ran away and hid.

How did the two of you get married?

We started dating after we bumped into each other at a restaurant in Cape Town. He was already in SAA, and I’d recently graduated from Rhodes with my journalism degree. When we got married a few years later, one of his aunts told me how happy she was that we’d finally got together because as a child, he’d never stopped talking about me.

Robert offers a behind-the-scenes look at some of the behaviour and culture of SAA. What did he find the most startling?

Air crews could have as long as a one-week stopover in places like Lisbon, and it wasn’t unusual for some pilots to spend the time waiting for their return flight doing little else but visiting local bars. On Robert’s first international trip, the captain got so drunk one night, he ended up passing out on the floor of a local train.

Robert also disliked the autocratic captains known in the airline as the Royal Family. Many were World War II veterans who reigned over their cockpits, expected blind obedience, and thought the rules didn’t apply to them.

What did Robert’s Jewish identity mean to him?

He didn’t just see himself as a pilot, he saw himself as a Jewish pilot.

Tradition was important to him. He grew up in an Orthodox home, loved family Shabbat dinners, and had us all in stitches when he used to describe the weird sounds of meat being put into the mincer when his granny made pirogen.

He was an active member of our New York shul community, and impressively dedicated to teaching Morgan his Barmitzvah portion.

Which is your favourite anecdote in the book and why?

One story that is just so Robert is when he decided he needed a pet to keep him company during one of his training courses in Japan. Hotel rooms aren’t exactly conducive environments for that, but Robert decided that one of the small red crayfish he’d seen at the local fishmonger would be the answer.

He ended up having to buy three of the creatures because the fishmonger wouldn’t sell him less than 200g worth, brought them back to his room, agonised over what to feed them, wondered why they barely moved, and then hid under the sheets when they became energised enough to wake him up with the clacking of their claws in the middle of the night. He ended up keeping just one of the three, and of course, he named him Claw.

Tell us more about what he was like beyond the pages of the book.

Robert was, to use one of his favourite words, a mensch. He was kind and generous.

He was enormously talented. He made gorgeous wooden furniture, restored old houses, and was an excellent cook. He baked incredible bread. At the same time, he was genuinely modest.

He was very much his own person. When he wasn’t in his pilot’s uniform, he lived in torn T-shirts and baggy shorts covered in paint stains. He hated formal clothes, and thought he was very clever when he found sweatpants that were the same colour as the flying pants issued by Nippon Cargo Airlines (NCA). He used to change into those after take-off, and tell himself that no-one could tell the difference. NCA managers didn’t see it quite the same way.

He was a wonderful father. And I couldn’t have asked for better, or funnier, husband.

How does Morgan feel to see the book in print?

Robert always regretted that his flying meant he had to spend so much time away from us. Years ago, he wrote, illustrated, and self-published a series of children’s stories for Morgan. The first one was called, Where Does Daddy Go? and it showed Morgan what Robert did when he was on a flight. It ends with Robert telling Morgan how he misses him every day that he’s away.

Morgan loved those books and is thrilled about the memoir making it into print.

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