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Holidaying as only Kruger people can



I think I might have scurvy. It’s day number four in the Kruger and I am starting to fantasise about fruit and vegetables. I dreamed last night of freshly squeezed orange juice that I drank while eating a salad packed with ingredients available only at Woolworths.

Only to wake up to yet another meat breakfast.

Earlier this evening on a game drive I found myself begging a kind-hearted woman a few seats away for a naartjie she had in her bag. She took pity on me and although it was not easy for her to part with her last vestige of vitamin C, handed it to me knowing in her heart that she was saving a life. And what could be sweeter than that.

Recalling my grade 5 knowledge of scurvy, I checked my teeth to see if they are still secure in my gums. One molar might have shifted slightly. But it might be the amount of biltong consumed. It is impossible to say if I am losing hair, as that ship sailed a long time ago. I also am unable to google the other symptoms of scurvy as the cellphone signal is so bad that the search returns with no information. Which is very disconcerting. Almost like Google doesn’t have the heart to tell me how bad it is.

Fortunately, I managed to find a multivitamin in my toiletries bag – it was buried under the Nexium and had been there from the days of Covid, when having the vitamins in our possession helped with anxiety. Mercifully, we didn’t need to take them back then, and so I started a course last night in the hope that it is not too late. I took them along with my malaria tablets.

Apparently, the Kruger is a meat-only holiday, and all “Kruger people” are aware of this. Other things “Kruger People” know is that:

  • It is imperative that you are one of the first cars at the gate when it opens at 05:30 or 06:00.
  • You need to spend a minimum of eight hours in the car a day. And then say that it’s not enough.
  • You will suffer borderline depression if you haven’t seen at least the Big Five each day by the time you “skottel” at 11:00.
  • You need to own a minimum of three pairs of binoculars, one pair from the early 1980s or prior.
  • You have to be able to describe in detail, for no less than 30 minutes, a sighting that no one cares about. And never ever will. Especially because you made it sound too dull.
  • You have to have a disdain for fruit and vegetables for the time that you are in the park. Even if you are a vegan.

It is also imperative that you are able to describe sightings in ways normal people will never understand. “We were on the H1-76 where it meets the X-64 towards Lower Sabie when before Crocodile Hoedspruit meets the Jukskei and just over the second rise of the S-100 we saw a Red Nyala followed by a Red-breasted bore.”  Other “Kruger people” will nod and say “I know exactly where that is” because they too were there, just as the gates opened.

We have two days left in the park. Our accommodation met our expectations. There is still no turn-down service and I am wearing my flip-flops as we speak.

And I am loving it.

It has been the best way to get to away from it all, a fantastic way to disconnect from the madness of the country and the world, and a great reminder of how G-d runs the place. When we let Him.

It is now 05:34 and we are heading to the gate to be one of the first cars there before it opens at 06:00.

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  1. Wendy Kaplan Lewis

    Jul 21, 2022 at 12:57 pm

    Love it love it

  2. Heather Miller

    Jul 21, 2022 at 5:35 pm

    dear Howard

    your antiquities that you shared with us over the period of your stay at KNP is hilarious and outstanding. Tuvya and I are going to the KNP to a private game lodge for about 10 days whilst Tuvya works. PG when we return and I hear you on the radio I will certainly ensure that I contact you and share some lovely stories. As usual your stunning sense of humour prevailed and was superb.
    You sound just like Tuvya regarding things that Kruger people always know, untenable for non “Biush” lovers!

    Keep it coming!

    From Kimi in Sandringham same as Channela (Chana)

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