Save yourself the trouble – say sorry in advance

We had just finished dinner, when my wife asked if I wanted her to make me a chicken salad to take for lunch the next day. It was a kind, thoughtful offer. I said yes. I thanked her. Normal marital exchange. End of scene. 

Except it wasn’t. 

“Howard,” she said, in a tone that suggested a legal proceeding was about to begin, “I will be very upset if you don’t eat it.” 

I looked at her, slightly confused, trying to work out what had happened in the last 12 seconds that had turned lunch into a binding emotional contract. 

“Um … okay,” I replied. Cautiously. Diplomatically. Incorrectly. 

“I am serious,” she said. And she was. Very. 

This wasn’t a threat. It was a pre-emptive strike. I had not yet done anything wrong, but I was already being warned about the consequences when I inevitably would. 

I was reminded of a moment a few days earlier while standing at a chuppah with a friend. Mid-ceremony, he received a message. He opened WhatsApp, read it, and without a word handed me the phone. 

“Jason,” it read [his name is not Jason], “I am begging you to be decent to Uncle Walter [his name is not Uncle Walter] when we see him at the wedding reception later.” 

Jason does not like Uncle Walter. And it apparently shows. 

This, clearly, wasn’t a casual suggestion. It was a pre-emptive apology in waiting. A warning shot fired not because Jason had misbehaved, but because history suggested he was about to. He was being judged for prior convictions. 

In recent days, Kanye West – or Ye, formerly no prince – took out a full-page newspaper apology for antisemitic remarks. His prior behaviour was, by any measure, reprehensible. And yet, oddly, it was the apology that caught my attention. Not because it erased anything, but because it acknowledged something men are deeply uncomfortable admitting: awareness of failure. 

Which raises an obvious question. Why do we wait? 

Why do married men insist on apologising only after the offence, when the evidence is overwhelming that we are going to say the wrong thing, forget the thing, eat the chicken salad last, or make a face at Uncle Walter? 

What if we embraced the pre-emptive apology? 

Imagine the freedom. 

“I’d like to apologise in advance for my tone tomorrow morning.”
“I’m sorry now for whatever I’m about to say about the traffic.”
“I regret, ahead of time, my reaction to that comment you haven’t yet made.” 

In fact, the SA Jewish Report or ChaiFM could perform a genuine public service here. A dedicated weekly page or segment on a show. Pre-emptive apologies. Sponsored, naturally perhaps, by a Glenhazel florist, already well-positioned in the apology economy. 

Names could be listed. Brief descriptions provided. 

“David M – apologising in advance for being ‘honest’ at a family dinner.”
“Mark S – pre-emptively sorry for how he will react to ‘what he thinks of the dress’.”
“Jason K – deeply regrets whatever is about to happen with Uncle Walter.” 

No explanations. No justifications. 

Because the truth is, most marital conflict is sparked by the irritation of predictability. Our wives aren’t psychic. They’re just experienced. 

So yes, I ate the chicken salad. Every bite. Not because I was hungry, or because I remembered – I didn’t until just before the closing bell – but because somewhere between lunch and my drive home, I realised this had little to do with food. 

It was about knowing who you are … and apologising before you prove it.