BENITA LEVIN
It has to be every parent’s worst nightmare, being held at gunpoint in front of your two children. It certainly was mine.
It took just a few minutes one evening, outside our home. Two armed men. Two cars. An unknown number of people inside those vehicles.
The next few moments were surreal. One gun in front of my face. At some point, one of the weapons was waved in the direction of my children. Clichéd as it sounds, some form of survival instinct did kick in during those blurred few moments and I somehow managed to get the children to safety.
The men fled with my keys. They took a phone, wallet and watch from a friend who had been visiting our home at the time. No shots were fired. No-one was hurt – physically, anyway.
“We were so lucky… it could have been much worse,” I told myself countless times that night. It was also the standard response from the few people we did tell.
The trauma of those few minutes is something that will take time to process. The exact sequence of events is still not clear. It was as though the “volume button” was turned down for a few moments, as I focused only on the weapon pointed in my direction. As if zoning in on the gun would help secure it from being fired at my children?
It was the children’s questions later that night that were really chilling:
How did you feel mommy, when the man came toward you with a gun?
Not exactly the discussion I’d ever imagine having with my 10-year-old son. I told him I knew I had to stay calm and that the men “only wanted things”. I assured him I knew they’d leave as soon as they’d taken those “items”. That is, after all, what happened.
Later that evening, it was his turn to do the assuring. He told his eight-year-old sister:
You don’t have to worry – the men were definitely using toy guns.
A child taking on the “guardian” role, trying to convince his younger sibling we weren’t really in danger. Goosebumps.
But the real jolt came the following day, when she agreed:
They must have been toy guns because “what adult would use a real gun on a child”?
The pure beauty of innocence. Unwavering trust in humanity. Shattered in a matter of minutes.
By newsroom standards, this was what we clinically call a “non-story”. After working for more than 20 years in radio news in South Africa, I’ve been privy to the details of countless crime stories, local and international. Some leave a lasting imprint on one’s mind and in one’s heart. One’s instinct and experience “tell” you when an incident is newsworthy. This was simply not one of those stories.
Police echoed that sentiment later that evening. They stayed seated in their police van, asking if there was a crime scene and if any shots had been fired. Not much for them to follow up on. They had far more pressing cases to investigate.
The non-story, non-crime-scene incident has left me with many questions. On paper, our response was correct. A South African security expert has given the following advice to any person – young or old – who might be held up, after clarifying that each situation is obviously different:
- Stay calm
- Minimise the risk to the safety of your loved ones
- Minimise the risk to your safety
- Don’t escalate or antagonise attackers
- Listen to their demands
A tick to all those broad boxes. The children were moved to a secure place. The items were handed over without argument. No-one screamed, no-one fought.
Again: No-one was hurt, physically. But evidence suggests that young children experience many after-effects from traumas like these, including nightmares and poor sleep.
As a life coach, I spend much of my time encouraging people to talk about their feelings. There is no doubt it is empowering and liberating to speak to someone you trust. But when a child has literally looked “down the barrel of a gun”, talking is just part of the recovery process.
Some people re-live the trauma from day one. Others might experience nightmares or flashbacks weeks later.
The question is: How do children process these types of attacks, when their sense of security has been shattered? What can parents do to help repair that sense of trust?
Johannesburg clinical psychologist Liane Lurie says trauma shatters our belief that the world and our environment are safe. Children often lack the language to verbalise their emotions, so one might see regressed behaviour or a shift in the disposition of a once confident child; bed wetting, thumb sucking, separation anxiety, social withdrawal, a fear of new people or situations. She says it is “important to create safe spaces in which your child can express their emotions freely, be it in the form of play or drawing and painting”.
Some tips for parents:
* Ask open-ended questions rather than those that require a simple yes or no.
* Don’t hide your emotions from your child; being told you are okay when they can clearly see you are not, may lead to more anxiety.
* If possible, stick to routines that were in place prior to the trauma.
* It’s okay if your child needs to sleep in your room temporarily.
* Enlist the help and support of extended family, friends and people in your community.
* Tell your child’s teacher and ask that they watch for any changes in behaviour.
* If needed, seek counselling for yourself and your children from FAMSA or The South African Depression and Anxiety Group.
* Remember that your strength comes from admitting this is difficult as opposed to trying to hold it all together.
