Is your shul a beach or a gym?

Modern romance begins with a thumb. We swipe past a man holding up a fish on a boat, pause on a woman who “loves travel, good food, and deep conversations” (as opposed, presumably, to the shallow kind), and trust that chemistry will sort out the rest. Whether we want the same kind of life is a question we leave for the fourth date, or the second year, or the counsellor’s couch, or the Beth Din with attorneys. 

Avraham started with the right question. In this week’s parsha, he sends his servant Eliezer hundreds of kilometres to find a wife for his son Yitzchak, because the young women next door came from homes built on very different foundations. He understood that the woman Yitzchak married would decide what was spoken about at his Shabbos table and what his children absorbed without ever being taught. A marriage partner is a big deal. 

The Torah then tells us what Eliezer looked for at the well. The sign he asked Heaven for was next-level kindness. A young woman who offers a thirsty stranger a drink is polite. One who then offers to water his 10 camels after a long desert road has volunteered for an afternoon of hauling jugs from a well, and the Torah makes a point of telling us she ran. Rivkah chose the heavy lifting, and that is how Eliezer knew she belonged in Avraham’s home. 

I often ask people whether shul, for them, is a beach or a gym. At a beach shul we choose by comfort: the brocha, the length of the sermon (shorter, please), how cool the crowd is, and the reassuring sense that nobody will ask much of us. At a gym, we find the person who will train us, who can see where we are weak, and knows how hard to push. A session that leaves us exactly as we walked in is a wasted morning. We came to grow! 

Thank G-d, Jewish life in South Africa is flourishing, with wonderful shuls, rabbis, and schools, each with its own strengths. As in dating, we should be very intentional about choosing the environment in which we and our families will grow the most. Not just the place with the best kichel and the coolest social scene. 

Eliezer could have settled for a pleasant young woman with a cup of water and a lovely smile. He waited to see how she treated the camels. Whether we’re choosing a spouse, a school, or a shul, we would do well to ask the same deeper questions. What values will flourish here? What kind of people will we become? Life is a gym. Choose where, and with whom, you train carefully. 

• Rabbi Levi Avtzon Linksfield Shul