MIRAH LANGER
Israeli Education Minister Rafi Peretz said in a cabinet meeting that the rate of intermarriage in America was “like a second Holocaust”, according to Israeli news reports.
Rabbi Ron Hendler, who works in the office of the South African chief rabbi, and is the registrar of conversions, told the SA Jewish Report this week that it was important that the comment be contextualised. “[Peretz] is not trying to trivialise the Holocaust. Look at the essence of what he is saying: it’s about the survival of the Jewish people, and there, he is right.”
“People call it a silent Holocaust. What is a holocaust in terms of Jewish history? A Holocaust is the destruction of the Jewish people as a unique nation with a unique message, and unique identity. If it no longer exists, in a sense it is a Holocaust,” says Hendler.
“Just because it doesn’t have violence or anti-Semitism attached to it, doesn’t mean that it isn’t the destruction of the Jewish identity, and Jewish people”.
Hendler says it’s important to distinguish between America and South Africa when it comes to intermarriage. Recent studies show that well over a half of all US Jews are marrying out of the faith. In South Africa, although definitive statistics aren’t available, the rate isn’t comparable.
A possible reason for this, says Hendler, is that in America, reform and conservative movements are prevalent, whereas “in South Africa, the orthodox is much more dominant as the religious stream”.
“[Regardless of] whatever level of religious observance they practice, most [South African] Jews associate, belong to, or identify with the orthodox.”
Rabbi Asher Deren, the head of Chabad of the West Coast in Cape Town, also made the distinction between America and South Africa when it comes to intermarriage. “As an American expat living here, I have always felt a unique appreciation for the South African rainbow nation as opposed to the American melting pot,” he says.
“A rainbow is a celebration of unique, vibrant, diverse colours. A melting pot is a grey morass of colours that have lost their individual identity.
“When people share how they see Judaism as more bland grey than bright rainbow, I’m reminded yet again of the need for supporting uniquely Jewish marriage that leads to creating the bright colours of a joyous Jewish home.”
For Rabbi Greg Alexander of the Cape Town Progressive Jewish Congregation, intermarriage reflects the reality of changing times.
“The South African Jewish community has changed dramatically since the fall of apartheid. Couples that would never before have been together, are now together. The old assumption that if someone married out of the faith their parents would say kaddish (mourn for them), is no longer the case. Parents want their children to be happy; to settle down with someone that they love.
“While no rabbi, orthodox or progressive, is going to encourage intermarriage, the challenge for rabbis is how to support couples, and encourage them to raise their children within the community.”
For Lee and Elton, a married couple who come from a Jewish and Christian background, the Israeli minister’s Holocaust comment requires deeper probing.
“He is, maybe, coming from quite a fearful point of view, because the belief is that intermarriage leads to assimilation, and that through intermarriage, the Jewish people will die out within a generation or two. From that perspective, I can understand why he might want to use such emotive and strong words,” Lee says.
Yet to focus on this angle, is a “lost opportunity”, she suggests.
“It’s only a Holocaust, if you don’t embrace the non-Jewish person and their children. If you make the decision to welcome them into Judaism, then it’s not a loss, it’s a gain,” Elton says.
This has been his experience. “They [the community] have done this for me. I’ve been fortunate. I’ve been a pole holder at Jewish weddings. I’ve [accompanied the funeral procession] when Lee’s relatives were buried. I was the chairman of my daughter’s Jewish nursery school governing body. I am part of the Community Security Organisation, so I feel a part of the Jewish community even though I’ve never officially done a course on it. For me, it’s an adopted community.”
Aimee, a third generation Holocaust survivor who comes from an Eastern European, Yemeni, and Israeli Jewish background, is married to Zee, an agnostic with a Zulu father and British mother. She says the comment comparing intermarriage to a second Holocaust feels “disrespectful and completely heart breaking”.
In fact, it is her husband – who was born into exile due to apartheid, facing his own experience of discrimination and hatred – who is the one consistently affirming the preciousness of her Judaism. “He has never done anything but make me feel proud to be Jewish. He’s the one person who has pushed me to be proud of who I am, and where I come from.”
The interfaith couples say assimilation and intermarriage are not synonymous.
Aimee and Zee, for example, host traditional Shabbat dinners resplendent with challahs, wine, and all customary blessings. Lee and Elton make sure their daughters get the “best of both worlds” when it comes to tradition and ritual.
Michele and Ian, who are both Jewish, and have been married for 25 years, believe that diversity can be celebrated within Judaism. Michele notes that while she connects to the religion from a more mystical perspective, Ian enjoys intellectual engagement with its values and ethics. For them, these layers of Judaism have “imbued every moment with meaning and dimension”.
Marc is married to Cara, who shares a similar Jewish background. He, Michele, and Ian, see having a Jewish partner as essential to honour the past and build the future.
“Seventy years after the Holocaust where we were nearly wiped out, we have to rebuild,” says Marc. “I grew up in a very traditional family. To have children and continue the faith was critically important.”
For Michele, building a Jewish family was a mark of respect for all those who suffered for their Judaism, be it in the Holocaust, pogroms, or inquisitions.
Rabbi Deren suggests that the broader discussion should, indeed, be about “traditional Jewish marriage, and by extension, the Jewish home, as the sacred eternal heartbeat of our nation”.
The rising intermarriage rate, he says, is a symptom of societal change in which people’s connection to Judaism is shifting and sometimes distancing.
But, “rather than focusing on the symptom alone”, worldwide Jewry needs to ensure that its people find “relevant and personal” connections with “a joyful inspired Judaism that ignites enriched identity, deep faith, and knowledgeable commitment”.
