May their burials also be a blessing

Even at risk of throwing the baby out with the proverbial bath water, I believe it’s time to revisit Jewish funerals. Whereas I am not suggesting that we introduce a lovely string quartet for atmosphere at the graveside, or a more inclusive mourners’ karaoke for those who don’t have to rush back to the office, I believe we need to liven up or to hit “refresh” on death and mourning. Indeed, a rebrand is in order.

Consider this: Funerals at Johannesburg’s Westpark Cemetery have become a fitness challenge. With mourners now required to park their cars and then walk about 2km to the graveside, the event is not for the faint of heart. Too young and too embarrassed to ride the golf cart (even with a damaged knee), I have recently found myself tactfully inquiring if by chance the lost loved one had reserved a grave somewhat closer. And only on the basis of that answer do I make a decision whether to attend the burial or make apologies, claiming to be “bedevilled by meetings”.

Perhaps the distance wouldn’t be such a big factor if the place wasn’t as dry a desert. Honestly, I can’t count the times I would have killed for a drink, or at least one that hasn’t heated up to boiling point having been left in my car. Worse, with proof of mortality everywhere one looks, surely we shouldn’t have to face the perils of dehydration in this environment.

With cemeteries expanding and grave sites now a considerable distance from the ohel, perhaps a refreshment stand wouldn’t be amiss. Nothing fancy. Not an extensive menu. Cold sparkling water, freshly squeezed orange juice, espresso, flat white and cortado, along with some healthy and a few unhealthy snacks (for those of us who still eat our feelings). In addition, considering that Jewish funerals happen fairly quickly after a death, sun screen, sun hats, and muted coloured umbrellas should be on offer.

Phase two of the rebrand might include a Discovery Vitality tent to confirm points for those making the trek and offer some light snacks for members. Strategically placed rest stops, or water points, to provide respite for those needing a moment to reflect, or catch their breath.

Long term, perhaps a tiered membership system, along with a members-only area, or “slow lounge” where gold (or old) members might spend some quiet time, or catch up with living friends between funerals and inconveniently timed unveilings. Depending on membership status, perks like “fast track” funerals; priority spade access; and moist, scented towels along with branded water bottles, following a funeral might be options.

Sponsorship and branding opportunities are limitless. From umbrellas to golf carts, corporates and family offices could work with the marketing team to marry the message so that it speaks to shared values.

To make Jewish funerals great again, we need to carefully consider tradition, halachic constraints, and more conservative members of our community. Open mourner’s-mic Mondays might sound like a good idea, but we need to remember that no-one wants their relatives rolling rhythmically, or otherwise, in their graves.