The lies we tell ourselves that inhibit success

For psychologist Dr Hanan Bushkin, the difference between success and failure is not how we feel, but how we act. 

“Successful people wrestle with life; they lean in. They don’t allow life to dictate what they will do. They wrestle with their marriages, their businesses, and their kids. And I don’t mean wrestle as in fighting; I mean that you don’t simply accept average,” he said at the Investec Jewish Achiever Awards Business Breakfast at Investec in Sandton on 30 October. 

Bushkin explained that over his years in practice as head of The Anxiety and Trauma Clinic, and exposure to the different kinds of people who come through his doors, he hears many things that successful people tell themselves that are actually deceptions. 

Bushkin uses the psychological term “Barnum effect” to show that many of the fears and insecurities people believe are unique to them are actually universal. Fear of failure, wanting to be liked, imposter syndrome, or struggling with relationships resonate with almost everyone. 

Rather than trying to eliminate these natural feelings, he argues that people should focus on how they respond to them. He describes this as the difference between a “chin-down” and “chin-up” approach: unsuccessful people dwell on their difficulties, while successful people acknowledge them and ask, “What can I do next? How can I improve my life?” 

The first “lie” Bushkin identifies is that successful people can overcome temptation through willpower alone. Using the story of Odysseus and the Sirens, he argues that the key is not resisting temptation, but recognising and preparing for it. 

“No one is stronger than temptation. Out of eight billion people, how many have temptations? How many have sirens in their lives? Eight billion,” he said. 

“For some people, it’s drugs and alcohol. For others, it’s stepping outside their comfort zone, speaking to the wrong people, exercising, or setting boundaries. Everybody has temptations, and if you think you’re stronger than them, life will punish you.” 

The second lie is that people believe they can change someone without the participation of the other person. 

“Unfortunately, successful people sometimes think that because they have so much influence, they can change people without their participation. But you cannot change someone who isn’t prepared to change. I’d rather you believe an ugly truth than a beautiful lie. 

“Some people will not change, and it’s your job to invest your time and energy in the things that create the most value. If someone isn’t prepared to participate in their own change, you’re wasting your energy. 

“Sometimes we believe people because of what they promise or say, but saying something isn’t a character trait. Stop asking the scorpion to be a frog.” 

The last lie that Bushkin mentioned is people postponing life in pursuit of success. People can become so focused on reaching the next milestone – earning more money, achieving a certain level of success, or advancing their career – that they tell themselves they will start prioritising the things that matter once they get there. 

“Sometimes we chase the things we already have because we’re more addicted to the chase than we are to appreciating the here and now. How many people chase success so they can have better health, better relationships, or a richer, more meaningful life? 

“Sometimes, what we need is what we already have right now. And I’m all for chasing success, but we can have both. We can chase what we want while being grateful for what we have. We can do both. 

“Life is short and unpredictable. Anything can be taken away from us at any moment. So you lean in. That’s what successful people do – they lean in and wrestle with life,” said Bushkin. 

Cumesh Moodliar, chief executive of Investec Bank, reflected on Investec’s renewed association with the Jewish Achiever Awards, saying the partnership is particularly meaningful because of the bank’s strong connection to the Jewish community. 

He told how he had called Investec co-founder Stephen Koseff on the morning of the breakfast to ask what message he would give attendees. Koseff emphasised the importance of remembering and supporting the community, while also characteristically reminding the audience not to forget about Investec. 

“For us as an organisation, there comes a moment of truth, a moment when you have to take a stand for what you believe is right,” said Moodliar. “Our association with these awards is significant for a number of reasons. Investec has a rich Jewish heritage; our founders were Jewish and imbued the organisation with much of that tradition and culture.” 

Chris Holdsworth, global chief investment officer at Investec, said global markets had remained surprisingly resilient despite war, high oil prices, inflation, and rising interest rates. While equities have performed well, bonds have struggled, although higher yields are now creating new investment opportunities. 

However, the apparent strength of the global economy was misleading, he said. Artificial intelligence and major technology companies are driving much of the growth, while consumers and consumer-facing businesses are struggling. High energy costs are also keeping inflation elevated, forcing central banks to consider higher interest rates, which puts even more pressure on consumers. 

Holdsworth explained that particularly in the last six years, South Africans have changed how they spend money. A growing share of household income is going towards debt repayments, utilities, cars, gambling, and offshore retailers such as Shein and Temu, leaving less money for traditional South African retailers. He is particularly concerned about the growth of gambling, saying South Africans’ net gambling losses reached about R100 billion, compared with roughly R40 billion before COVID-19. 

Despite these pressures, he sees signs of a structural improvement in the economy. Commercial construction is picking up after years of limited development, state-owned enterprises (SOEs) are performing better, and higher commodity prices are generating additional government revenue. 

“South Africans have an appetite to spend. There’s pent-up demand that we haven’t been able to express. The next three months are going to be difficult, particularly for businesses exposed to SA Inc,” he said. “But beyond that, things should start to improve. We’re seeing structural changes in South Africa: we’re building more, easing some of the constraints on growth, and seeing improvements in our SOEs. Add to that the prospect of interest rate cuts in the next six to nine months and, hopefully, tax cuts, and the outlook starts to look better.”