PROFESSOR SHPIEL PU RIM
Zev Lupo, the former head principal of King David Linksfield, told the SA Jewish Report, “Today, school kids are all stressed out from the pressure of exams, their parents’ continuous nagging, and the daily stresses of teenage life. We thought it would be a great idea to provide them with a little oasis at school, somewhere they could kick off their stilettos, have a drink, and enjoy a massage while they wait for the maths classes they are bunking to finish.”
The new Slow in the School lounges come at a significant cost to parents. Students will need to fork out R20 000 a year for the privilege of accessing the sanctuary. Food and alcohol will be free, and all food provided will be supplied by kosher KFC. It’s widely believed that KFC narrowly beat a bid from Stan & Pete for the catering license.
Slow in the School will boast couches for teenagers to slump on, an “untidy section” where every student will feel right at home, a smoking room which will permit candy flavoured vapes but no tobacco, a marijuana centre where pupils can choose from an array of THC (tetrahydrocannabinol) and CBD (cannabidiol) edibles, a Sony PlayStation room where a trained marksman from the Community Security Organisation will teach children how to survive in a single-shooter game, and a spa run by the famous Amani spa group.
“Imagine a classroom filled with gellish students after a mani-pedi,” says Amani founder Ronleigh Gaddin. “Students will look respectable, feel invigorated, and be able to laser focus on their studies after their relaxing treatments.” School grades are expected to sky-rocket after the introduction of this new innovation.
“We have listened to the needs of the students,” says Brauer. “They told us they wanted a corona isolation room just in case the disease broke-out in Linksfield, so we have transformed our snooker room into an isolation ward until the pandemic is under control.”
Future plans for the Slow Lounge include bedrooms where pupils can have a little nap between classes. “We will be offering single and double rooms at Slow in the School,” says Novick, who now runs the Home Suite Hotel Group. “We won’t allow multiple students into a double room unless they are in a committed relationship, or if their relationship status ‘is complicated’, as defined by Facebook.
The Slow in the School lounge will open at King David Linksfield, Victory Park, Glenhazel, and Sandhurst on Purim, and will be open until the festival is over.
Iona Sacks
Mar 5, 2020 at 5:43 pm
‘is this for real?
if so it’s absolutely bizarre
once again separating the haves from the have nots
‘
Lana Levin
Mar 6, 2020 at 9:19 am
‘I am utterly disgusted at the Jewish Report stooping to this level of disparaging reporting. This is absolutely false information and only serves to bring the Kibg David schools into a bad light. My child is at KDHL and the ethos of the school is solidly in building the children through Torah values of kindness and generosity of spirit towards one’s fellow human. I don’t know who wrote this derogatory piece of poor "journalism" but you ought. To be absolutely ashamed of yourself. ‘
Jodi Abrahams
Mar 7, 2020 at 12:01 pm
‘I have to say that I think this article is in poor taste!!! Even if it was meant as a joke I feel the connotations are insulting to everyone in the school and each name mentioned. You are talking about children, and insulting behaviors as Jews! I think in today’s times we have enough people “hating us” we don’t need to put our articles like this! Very disappointed in the Jewish report!!!’