Netflix matchmaker shares relationship advice

“If it’s not a no, it’s a go” and “Date ’em till you hate ’em” are the iconic lines that helped American matchmaker Aleeza Ben Shalom land her life-changing role on Netflix on her hit TV show Jewish Matchmaking. 

More than 350 people attended the Johannesburg launch of the global Matchmakers Network on 15 September, mostly in the hope of gleaning pearls of wisdom from Ben Shalom about relationships, marriage, and finding your shidduch. 

With the guidance of the event’s host, Aharon Landau, Ben Shalom took part in a rapid-fire question-and-answer segment. The most frequently asked question she receives is, “What was it like being on Netflix?” “Was the show scripted?” “How much freedom did you have?” and naturally, these were the first questions asked. “They literally used whoever I was and whatever I was, and found a way to incorporate it. It was far from scripted,” she said. 

“Do you think people are realistic with their matches?” Many aren’t realistic about what they want in a match, Ben Shalom said, giving as examples requests for, “an Israeli with blue eyes, blonde hair, who is spiritual but eats pork”, or “I want someone tall with thick eyebrows.” 

People say things like this all the time and give me very interesting requests,” she said, “and what I will always say is, ‘Good, great, but what else?’” 

“We always have interesting requests, but we have to follow up with the real things that are actually deep within people that they actually need in a relationship for compatibility as well.” 

The biggest mistakes people make while dating, Ben Shalom said, is to use “self-deprecating humour, putting themselves down, or being a little too arrogant, building themselves up. People really struggle with having the right words, even if they know what they want.” Her solution is to continue to ask questions until they can put into words exactly what they want and how they can express that to a potential match. 

We all hear the saying “opposites attract”, but is that truly the case? “You can ask anyone married or dating, naturally, there will be differences between the two, so I believe the best thing to do is look for matches, similarities, and trust me, you will find a lot of opposites between you,” Ben Shalom said. 

“Chemistry isn’t mutual. Some people come back from a first date and have loved every second, others could have hated it and just stayed to be polite. One person will say that they had the best connection because the other was smiling and nodding, but they come home afterwards and don’t want to go on a second date.” 

Marriage isn’t just a leap of faith, she said, one needs a high level of clarity before making one of the biggest decisions of one’s life. It’s not only about finding the right person, but becoming the right person. “You obviously have to find the right person, but you have to become the right person consistently, meaning that your relationship will shift over time once you both grow together as one unit.” 

Her marriage advice to the audience was, “You’re going to have issues in your relationship, and according to John and Julie Gottman from the LoveLab, you can solve only 31% of your issues, which means that 69% of your problems you will never solve, so stop trying and stressing over things you cannot fix. 

“Number two for married couples, date night is a necessity, and if you are bored with each other, go on double dates, shmooze with other people, grab a meal, and get out of the house. 

“Finally, number three, it’s all about love, but in this case, love is an action, not just a word we use. At the root of ‘ahavah’, is the Hebrew word, ‘hav’, meaning to give. This tells us the formula to loving someone is to give to them.” Using this idea, Ben Shalom said she says, “I’m loving you” to her husband over “I love you”. 

“I’m making the effort, and I’m going to make that effort today, tomorrow, and every single day forward,” she said.