Ringing the ‘fairy bells’

Our New Year, Rosh Hashanah, isn’t a festival of pure, unadulterated celebration, like the one many of us mark on 31 December in the Gregorian calendar. It is a deeply introspective time, filled with prayer, the piercing call of the shofar, and yes, family time and celebration around the festival table. 

While 1 January may be the start of a new year and the moment for a few chosen resolutions, Rosh Hashanah asks something deeper of us. It’s about looking back at the year we’ve had, acknowledging the things we aren’t proud of, and beginning the work of repentance before Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. 

Suffice to say it is a deeply spiritual day and time in our year, one that we generally take seriously. And every year, in our special Rosh Hashanah edition, the SA Jewish Report seeks out spiritual leaders to provide our readers with guidance and food for thought. And we have certainly done ourselves proud with our spiritual thought leaders this year. 

However, as deeply spiritual as this time is, it is also a time of togetherness, family, bonding, reconnecting with friends, and renewing our personal commitments. 

And perhaps that is why the small things seem to loom so large at this time of year. When we are already taking stock, the hurtful look, the missing invitation, the uncomfortable seating plan, or the phone call that never came can suddenly feel much bigger than it needs to be. 

Having said that, while this is ultimately a joyous time with a wonderfully positive offshoot, it can also bring sadness and a fair few faribels (petty family grudges or minor grievances), or as my sister used to call them when we were kids, “fairy bells”. 

You know as forgiving as our community can be, our people can and do harbour grudges too. These are probably the biggest waste of time, energy, and brainpower in our lives. Seriously, if your third cousin once removed has invited you to second-day Rosh Hashanah since you were kids, but you didn’t crack an invitation this year, it is not the end of the world. 

If so-and-so seats you at the end of the table next to Mrs X, who they should know you don’t get on with, you don’t need to moan and groan about it for six months. Even five minutes is way too much. 

If you sit with two specific women at shul every Rosh Hashanah and they find their way to other seats, it isn’t worth feeling upset and being convinced they’re doing it on purpose. You don’t know why they’ve moved. And if they do, in fact not want to sit with you, is it worth being upset and angry about? 

You always get a ride to shul at the beginning of Rosh Hashanah with Mr W and this year he didn’t call to ask if you wanted a lift, so you have to walk. Is this grudge-worthy? Is it worth stewing over? Is it worth a second thought? No, it will provide a little extra exercise, and we can all be grateful for that because it adds to our healthy living. And we will certainly make up for the calories added in our mammoth festive Rosh Hashanah meals. 

Cousin N always has a massive first-day Rosh Hashanah lunch, and you love being there. When the invitation didn’t come, you told everyone who would listen how upset you were because you were always so close as kids. Weeks later, after much wasted energy and badmouthing, you discovered they had gone to Israel for the chag because their children were now living there. 

Did you go back to everyone you spoke to about this beforehand and tell them you regret what you said? Unlikely. Did you even feel bad about what you said? 

This time of year is all about looking at how we live our lives and trying to find ways of doing it better. Faribels are truly an unnecessary evil. The time spent on them could be far better spent trying to help people or doing good. Perhaps finding something positive to think or talk about would be a whole lot better for you. Life is too short for faribels and silly grudges. 

Instead of finding reasons to be miserable, we could be helping people who don’t have a place to go on yomtov to find someone to invite them. You see, one thing is for sure, being alone over Rosh Hashanah isn’t easy. It can be painful and lonely. 

I was so excited to hear that ChaiFM had created a campaign (for want of a better word) to help find people to invite those who don’t have a place to go. For me, this epitomises what our chaggim should be all about. They should be about caring for each other, ensuring our community members aren’t left alone. It’s about providing a seat at our tables for those who need it. While the faribels are perhaps part of who we are, this is far more about what makes us tick and what we want to be. 

When you give someone a gift and you see their joy, the gift of creating that joy is more worthwhile than receiving the present. And so is being able to pair people who have nowhere to go on yomtov with a friendly family. Seeing someone welcomed into a warm and loving home when they would otherwise have stayed home in an empty house is huge. 

While there are many in our community, and in my own family, who do this automatically, not everyone does. And there are many people who spend festivals on their own. So being able to do this is a pure mitzvah. 

I do get that during the span of a year we all do things we aren’t proud of. We may not have phoned people back when we promised to. We may have said things that are unkind or possibly hurt someone. We often have an opportunity to do right by people, and it is worth doing what we can to fix things. Not because it will be better for our slate with G-d, but because we can. 

Most of us don’t want to hurt others. Most of us want to be good people. And we can be. This is the perfect time to get rid of faribels and rather work at how we can look at things through positive lenses and try and help, rather than find fault in them. 

Shabbat shalom and Shana tova! 

Peta Krost 

Editor