The kibbitzers of the 12-Day War

If there’s one thing the Jewish world has perfected over centuries besides anxiety and survival, it’s kibbitzing. And during the recent 12-Day War between Israel and Iran, the global gallery of armchair generals, moral philosophers, and highly photogenic European heads of state came out in full force to offer their unsolicited advice, mild gasps, and expertly timed sighs.

Yes, while bombs dropped, leadership was decapitated, and nuclear ambitions vapourised – with a little help from the Americans and their B-2s – the real battle was playing out at podiums, press conferences, and in “deeply concerned” tweets. The kibbitzers had entered the chat.

Emmanuel Macron, French president and kibitzer-in-chief, known for his impeccable tailoring and ability to furrow his brow on command, was positively horrifié that Israel dared bomb a prison. Never mind that said prison was a torture centre housing dissidents and was being used by the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps (IRGC) to detain Western nationals.

Apparently, in Macron’s world, prisons are sacred, unless they’re in Iran, in which case, c’est compliqué.

The United Nations Permanent Member of the Peanut Gallery issued its usual calls for restraint, which is its diplomatic way of saying, “We weren’t watching when Iran tried to fast-track a nuclear warhead, but now that Israel has responded effectively, we suddenly remembered that we have a voice.”

BBC analysts, masters of the passive voice, with phrases like “a prison was struck”; “missiles landed”; and “explosions rocked Tehran”, floated about like ghostly euphemisms, mysteriously avoiding who did what and why. It’s like covering World War II with headlines like “Germany experiences fire in Dresden.”

Then there’s Candace Owens, the self-appointed spokesperson for the Middle East. Never one to miss an opportunity to say something confidently wrong – or antisemitic – Owens emerged from her geopolitical sabbatical to declare that Israel’s actions were part of a “globalist Zionist plot”. It’s a term she deploys whenever she’s run out of actual arguments but still has access to WiFi. With the kind of conviction normally reserved for late-night infomercials and flat-earth theorists, she took to social media to offer her unsolicited expertise, which, as always, was heavy on volume and light on facts.

Tucker Carlson, the Puzzled Patriot, has also emerged as a confident kibbitzer. With his trademark confused golden-retriever expression, he took a break from blaming everything on the deep state to ask why Israel was being so aggressive when “Iran hadn’t even nuked anyone yet”. He lamented the destruction of Iranian nuclear facilities with all the sorrow of someone who just found out his favourite artisanal cheese shop was out of stock.

Last only because he’s arguably the most stupid and the least entertaining, is “comic” Dave Smith: Libertarian Logic Meets Missile Warfare. He took to social media to explain, at great, boring, and uninterruptible length, that actually, the real problem is that governments exist at all. According to Dave, if we simply abolished the state, borders, and possibly gravity, there wouldn’t be any wars, just well-armed free individuals peacefully negotiating property rights in the desert.

While Israel conducted one of the most surgical and successful military operations in modern history, setting back Iran’s nuclear and ballistic capabilities, dismantling the IRGC leadership, and humbling a regime that’s been playing regional puppet master for decades, the real battle raged in the international commentariat.

There, in the great global kibbitz lounge, where everyone has an opinion but no skin in the game, voices rose in synchronised sanctimony. They tsk-tsked. They hand-wrung. They spoke with the courage of those who never had to run to a shelter. And while they commented, Israel acted, their voices drowned out by the sound of sirens.