The lonely load of single parenting

Doing it on your own is near impossible, educational therapist Dr Elzette Fritz told the audience at a talk on single parenting by the Chevrah Kadisha on 30 July. That’s why you need a good support structure to survive and thrive.

Fritz said there is the perception that people become single parents either because they are divorced, or their partner is dead or absent due to illness. But sometimes they take on solo responsibility simply because their partner is absent in general.

“We have this perception that a single-parent household entails one parent because there was either death or divorce,” she said. “What we don’t realise is that sometimes people can be married, there can be another partner under the same roof, but one person still carries the responsibility of maintaining the household and raising the children.”

Fritz compared a single parent to a dung beetle rolling around a ball of dung on its own while another beetle just watched. “When I saw this, many lights went on in my head. Because the reality is that we’re all somewhere in life finding ourselves busy rolling. Sometimes we get stuck in it.

“In nature, even dung beetles take turns,” said Fritz. “But for many single parents, it feels like you’re the only one pushing the load, and that load isn’t always healthy. The challenge is learning to work with it, to transform the mess into something useful, like turning dung into fertiliser. That’s the work of single parenting,” she said.

“But here’s the hard truth: doing it completely on your own is nearly impossible. We’re not meant to carry it all alone. Having a support system isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity when you’re raising children alone,” she said.

“The most detrimental factor is isolation. Without a support structure, when your child is struggling and triggers you, there’s no-one to help you pause and take a deep breath. That’s why kids benefit from having two caregivers so that when one is overwhelmed, the other can step in and create balance.”

When it comes to the mental health of a parent, Fritz emphasised that self-care isn’t optional, it’s essential. “If you’re raising children alone and have no-one to lean on, you simply can’t afford to collapse,” she said.

To help parents regulate themselves in moments when they are overwhelmed, Fritz demonstrated a simple grounding exercise: while seated, use the armrests to lift your body slightly off the chair, hold for a moment, then gently lower yourself back down.

“As you lower yourself, you begin to feel grounded,” she said. “For those of us who had a tough adolescence, it’s about building the strength not to lash out, but to stay regulated. This kind of movement shifts your breathing, engages your core, and even helps release feel-good hormones. It’s a small act of strength that can change your emotional state in the moment.

“It’s like a mini workout – once you’ve done it, you’re better able to face your child again,” said Fritz. “Your body plays a vital role in building emotional capacity. But when we feel overwhelmed, our instinct is to lie down or withdraw. The problem is, the more we do that, the less energy we have to get back up and try again.”

Fritz introduced the idea of the “three brains”: head (logic); heart (emotion); and gut (intuition/body). “We store trauma in the gut,” she said. “It’s why stressed children have stomach aches, and why anxious parents forget to breathe.”

In an additional experiential segment, she guided the audience through a simple breathing exercise. “Breath is the bridge between the head and the heart. When you breathe deeply, you invite safety into your nervous system.” She urged parents to notice their posture, digestion, and breath – signs of whether they’re truly “coping” or just functioning.

“Children don’t need Disneyland,” she said. “They need eye contact. They need calm.” She reminded parents that children often act out not to manipulate, but to connect. “Every tantrum is a test: Are you strong enough to hold me in my chaos?”

In one of the most striking metaphors of the evening, Fritz compared parents to rocks. “Your child needs a strong rock to grow next to. But if that rock is too hard – nothing grows. There needs to be a crack. A bit of vulnerability. That’s where the tree takes root.”

Despite everything, she said, “As long as your child has one environment where they feel loved, safe, and cared for, you are doing more than enough.”

However, she said, “Single parenting is hard, not because you’re doing it wrong, but because it’s hard. You don’t need to be superhuman. You need to be supported. You’re not broken, you’re carrying something incredibly heavy, and you’re still showing up. That’s resilience.”