Beckham family drama spotlights narcissistic parenting

“I have been controlled by my parents for most of my life,” Brooklyn Beckham recently wrote in his now infamous Instagram post addressing his well-publicised feud with his celebrity parents. “I grew up with overwhelming anxiety. For the first time in my life since stepping away from my family, that anxiety has disappeared.” 

While not many people can relate to living their entire lives in the public eye, some deeply identify with navigating damaging parent-child relationships. This is especially true for Mandi Gold* who strongly relates to Beckham’s post. Gold says that while being part of a big Jewish family was naturally chaotic, she grew up living in fear. 

“My earliest and most vivid memories of my childhood are being scared of my mom and not knowing what would happen,” she says. “From one second to the next, she could go into a massive rage and hit or hurt us, say cruel things, or scream at us or punish us. It was unpredictable and volatile.” 

From the outside though, she says, they looked like a happy family. “We had everything we needed. But it’s all part of the illusion. There was this continuous fear. I was a sensitive and lonely kid, and I never had my mom to lean on, in fact, she made everything harder for me. I had no way of managing, defending myself, or coping. My dad tried his best with my mom, but she didn’t want to get help or change.” 

Gold says gaslighting was also common. “There were subtle things that made me feel like maybe I was imagining it, or maybe it wasn’t so bad because it was never acknowledged. To this day, we’ve never got an apology.” 

The lack of apology also makes one feel like maybe things aren’t so bad, she says. “You think, she’s moving on, maybe I should do the same. My mom would go from being evil and cruel to being nice and kind, and then I felt, ‘What must I do with what just happened?’ It was never dealt with, so I felt like we had to gloss over it too.” 

When she was a teenager, her parents divorced and Gold chose to stay with her mother even though not all of her siblings did. “I was too under her control, and moving out wasn’t something I felt I could do. You’re scared of this person, but you’re also scared to leave them.” 

Though she knew that her mother’s behaviour wasn’t normal, it was only when Gold moved in with her now husband that she understood the gravity of what she’d experienced. “You don’t fully realise it until someone else sees it,” she says. Yet her mother remained part of her and her husband’s lives, trying to exert control wherever possible. 

While Gold leaned on her mother when she had children, as they grew older, she realised she couldn’t depend on her as she would often let her down at short notice. She recognises that Victoria Beckham did this when, according to Brooklyn’s account, she decided not to design his fiancé’s wedding dress at the last minute – a way of exerting control. And so, Gold began to distance herself and her children from her mother, a process that was aided by the COVID-19 pandemic. 

When her mother began bombarding her with abusive WhatsApp messages, Gold blocked her on the platform but still maintained some contact. It was during therapy that she finally examined her childhood. “My therapist confirmed that I was abused, and said that my mom was a narcissist. She encouraged me to cut ties with her, because she said, ‘She’s never going to change, she doesn’t want to.’ She said it was like carrying around something toxic in your body. It’s not healthy, and it’s not going to get better.” 

After her mother continuously attacked her and her husband’s parenting decisions and questioned their children’s needs, she decided to end the relationship. “I kept putting up boundaries, and she kept breaking them, and so finally, I had to lay the final boundary, literally say, ‘We don’t want you in our lives.’” 

“I know people might say, ‘She’s your mom, she’s your kids’ grandparent!’ Gold says. “But no person who is abused is ever told to maintain a relationship with their abuser. I feel free and at peace. I’m giving my child self the gift that she never had – to finally not be scared and to be free of this abusive person. And I’ve given my children that gift too.” 

Narcissistic parents are inherently abusive, says clinical psychologist Lana Levin. “Because they are so selfish, the child is simply seen as a representation or extension of them, so when the child is performing well, they will ‘love’ the child. When the child is regarded as not performing well, they will be punished.” 

Talia-Jade Magnes, a psychotherapist and child protection advocate, says that this is damaging because children develop their sense of self through their relationship with their primary caregivers. “When a parent is consistently critical, emotionally unavailable, or focused on their own needs, as is often the case with narcissistic parenting, the child learns that love is conditional. Over time, this can lead to chronic shame, low self-worth, anxiety, and a persistent belief that they are fundamentally ‘not enough’.” This can affect self-esteem well into adulthood. 

Narcissism goes beyond selfishness, says Levin. “True narcissism and narcissistic abuse is insidious,” she says, “and is often not seen or acknowledged. It’s difficult to escape because it’s like a cult. The victim is brainwashed into believing everything the narcissist says is ‘the truth’, and they become dependent on the narcissist as a source of affirmation.” 

This is why severing ties is such a difficult process as self-perception is so deeply engrained in this relationship. “To escape, people not only have to leave physically, they have to develop the inner resources to disconnect from the umbilical cord tying them to the narcissist.” 

* Name has been changed to protect her family.