Calm, confident parenting ‘starts with introspection’

Parenting feels different today. Between school schedules, work stress, social media, and the endless noise of modern life, it’s easy for parents to feel like they’ve lost their grip on what truly matters. 

That was the idea behind the recent talk at the Chevrah Kadisha, where Dr Ken Resnick, educational psychologist and creator of the Smart Choice Parenting Programme, and Lisa Kotzen, a passionate advocate for mindful parenting, led a discussion about taking back control. 

Hosted by Chevrah Kadisha social worker Talya Gottlieb on Wednesday, 29 October, the event focused on shifting the mindset of parenting away from pressure and perfectionism toward being present, calm, and connected. 

Gottlieb said she believed the goal we need to strive towards is to “pause and reconnect with ourselves, our children, and the kind of parents we want to be”. 

From personal experience, Kotzen said, “Parenting isn’t about controlling who our children become. It’s about guiding them, loving them, and helping them find the courage to become themselves.” 

She described the enormous expectation that parents face – from school systems, social media, and even other parents – and how easy it is to fall into the trap of comparison. 

“So often,” she said, “we hand over parental power to the system without realising it.” Her words resonated with many in the audience who nodded in agreement. Kotzen explained that parents can become so reliant on external structures – teachers, therapists, schools – they forget their own natural authority and instincts. 

“In order to create any kind of meaningful change, we need to begin with introspection,” she said. “It’s not about telling anyone how to raise their children. It’s about creating a culture that supports families, one in which communication replaces judgement, and community replaces competition.” 

Resnick picked up on this, expounding on his philosophy of staying calm, being consistent, and remembering that discipline doesn’t have to mean punishment. 

“We overdo it,” Resnick said, referring to the modern tendency to micromanage children’s every move. “They get confused by all the reaction to them, but we can sort this out quickly by being chilled, not punitively.” 

Resnick said that when parents overreact or try to control everything, they actually create more anxiety for their children. “Kids need calm parents,” he said. “They learn emotional regulation from us. If we can stay grounded, they will too.” 

He also warned against what he calls “reaction parenting”, which means constantly responding to children’s behaviour instead of setting clear expectations. “Children learn best when there’s structure, not stress,” he said. “Boundaries aren’t about control; they’re about safety and clarity.” 

Resnick homed in on decision-making and responsibility as a parent. “As much as we have choices, kids have choices too,” he said. Teaching children how to make their own decisions – and to live with the consequences – builds resilience and grit. “We need to start instilling the decision-making process within our kids,” he said. “Resilience comes from practice, not protection.” 

Resnick said mistakes aren’t failures, but essential learning opportunities. When parents rush to fix or prevent every problem, they rob their children of that experience. “We think we’re helping them,” he said, “but what we’re really saying is, ‘You can’t handle this.’ That’s the opposite of what we want them to believe.” 

His approach replaces punishment with accountability. Instead of shouting, withdrawing affection, or threatening consequences, Resnick encourages parents to talk through what happened; help the child understand the impact; and let them come up with ways to make it right. “It’s not about controlling them,” he said. “It’s about guiding them and giving them the tools to manage themselves.” 

Kotzen agreed, saying that part of her own growth as a parent has been learning to step back and let her children figure things out. “Parenting has never been easy,” she said. “But today feels especially challenging. We’re raising children in a fast-paced, hyper-connected world where information is instant and expectations are sky high.” 

She urged parents to shift from fear-based to connection-based parenting. “We can’t teach our children resilience if we’re constantly trying to prevent discomfort,” she said. “They need to know that we trust them, and that we trust ourselves.” 

Resnick echoed that sentiment. For him, reclaiming parental power doesn’t mean being authoritarian, it means being anchored. “It’s actually simple to get along with our job as parents,” he said. “But we complicate it by trying to do too much, too fast, and by reacting instead of reflecting.” 

Both Resnick and Kotzen called for a return to balance. They believe that parenting doesn’t have to be perfect, but it does have to be intentional. It’s about slowing down, being present, and trusting that small, consistent choices make the biggest difference. 

As one parent reflected after the talk, “Tonight reminded me that I don’t need to have all the answers, I just need to show up and stay calm.” 

Resnick left the audience with something to think about: “We all have choices, and so do our children. The best thing we can do is teach them how to make good ones, and to keep choosing connection, every single day.”