Swings and roundabouts of sibling or solo childhood

There are many stereotypes surrounding being an only child versus one of many, but the reality is often far more nuanced.

Nonetheless, sibling dynamics or the lack thereof do have an impact on who we become in several ways, says counselling psychologist, Lisa Hirschowitz. Younger siblings often model older children’s behaviour, which helps in social situations, she says. “Older siblings also develop skills like empathy and patience by engaging with younger siblings.”

And, you learn how to navigate conflict through sibling interactions, she says. “Research has also shown that individuals with siblings tend to have a greater sense of self due to increased support at home, which can pave the way for success.”

That’s not to say that there aren’t potential drawbacks to growing up in a larger family. “Parents of multiple children must ensure that each child feels equally loved and valued and has equal opportunities,” Hirschowitz says.

Though this applies to parents of even two children, those with bigger households may need to work that much harder to follow such advice. Rebbetzin Estee Stern, who grew up as one of nine siblings, says her parents were particularly good at making each child feel special. “My parents did an amazing job at making each child feel like they were the only child,” she says. “There was a lot of love in the house.”

Stern says she’s always loved being part of a big family. “There’s always something happening; there was always somebody to play with; and there was always excitement.” Today, she’s one of four that still live in South Africa while the rest of her siblings are spread across the world. However, their bond remains.

That’s why when her turn came to start a family, having many children was more than just a mitzvah. “I always wanted my kids to have that concept of a large family,” Stern says. “I really do see it as the greatest blessing.” Today, she and her husband, Rabbi Yehuda Stern, have eight children aged between two and 19 years old. Her two oldest are studying in Israel.

“I love a busy household,” she says. “I often laugh and say that with only six kids at home, the house is very quiet. The dynamics change when one child isn’t at home. Of course they fight, especially the younger ones, but just watching the relationships between each of the siblings evolve as they mature is special.”

While Sigal Josselowitz has only one younger brother, she says she never felt like she came from a small family. Her mother is one of five siblings, all of whom have children. “The big extended family was always together for Shabbos or weekend braais at my grandparents,” she says. “There was always someone around. I also lived in my grandparents’ house for many years and a few of my aunts aren’t that much older than me, so we were close. They still often ‘mistake’ me for a sibling,” she says.

Though she and her brother have always been close, she says her cousins also felt like siblings as they all grew up together, which she loved. “The only drawback is that everyone always knows what’s going on with you, whether you like it or not,” she laughs.

Being an only child may be different to being one of many, but it also comes with benefits, including “having undivided parental attention which might mean that a child’s emotional and physical needs are met quickly”, according to Hirschowitz. “It also means not having competition in the home, whether it be for attention, academic success, or sporting pursuits.” Only children learn how to be independent, which can cultivate confidence and comfort in one’s skin, she says.

Only child Danny Dee echoes this. “As the only child for my parents to love and teach, the bond with my parents became tighter,” he says. Although he acknowledges that it could get lonely at times, friends became important and were almost like family. Though his parents could have only one child, Dee also points to the financial and educational privileges that came with it.

An only child who requested anonymity agrees that her upbringing gave her a heightened sense of independence and made her self-reliant. “I was happy with my own company, and didn’t feel a need to fit in,” she says.

However, she says being an only child does come with increased responsibility. “You have to take care of parents on your own when they’re sick or old. While it’s a privilege to be able to care for a parent, it’s difficult and intense not to have support.”

Hirschowitz also points out the lack of support during family strife. Additionally, she cautions that it may take longer for only children to develop the social, emotional, and cognitive skills that come with having a sibling to practice such skills on. That’s why ensuring that your child receives appropriate social interaction with kids their own age, giving them emotional support, and cultivating empathy is so important, she says.

Amanda Blankfield-Koseff essentially grew up as an only child as there was a big age gap between her and her two older half-sisters, and they never lived in the same house. “I loved being an only child because I got to spend more time with adults and got more attention,” she says. “Yet, I was lonely at times too.”

While growing up, she looked up to her half-sisters who were kind to her, but she says they didn’t have much in common until she was older. “Having them in my life has definitely enhanced it and now that we are all mothers, even more so, as their advice provides comfort and support,” she says.

“The bond between siblings is special, and I see it with my sisters’ children, as both have large families. I love being an aunt, and I’m glad my child has extended family who adore her. I definitely missed out on that growing up.”