Balancing the observance scale

People with different levels of observance not only make up the wider community but families too. When you live in the same house but are on different religious paths, finding common ground often requires considerable compromise. 

This is especially true within a marriage. When Romy and Evan* met almost 30 years ago, they bonded over their traditional Orthodox upbringings. Yet a year later, when Evan decided to become more observant after a tragic loss, Romy was unsure if she could continue the relationship, despite their strong connection. 

“His decision came as quite a shock to me as I wasn’t ready to embrace all this,” she admits. “The goalposts had changed dramatically. But we both agreed it was worth the effort.” While the couple decided to compromise, Evan’s family, who were also now more religious, were not as accepting and tried to “convert” Romy. But over the years, they have grown to trust her and respect her different views and strong character. 

Now married for more than 25 years, Romy and Evan have maintained their individual religious lifestyles. “Not all of it has been easy,” Romy says. “It takes a lot of tolerance and compromise on both sides. If he had insisted I follow his path, it wouldn’t have worked out as I’m not willing to be that religious and practise all that goes with it.” 

Yet in respecting one another’s needs, Romy keeps a kosher home and commemorates all the chaggim, which, as a traditional Jew, is important to her too. Evan compromises by eating fish and vegetarian meals at non-kosher restaurants. While Evan keeps Shabbat and goes to shul on Saturdays, Romy generally stays home or goes out with friends. 

Sometimes she joins Evan at religious friends or family for Shabbos lunch. This was initially a challenge, she says. “I tried to hide my not being shomrei by parking down the road. I no longer do that. I embrace who I am. I do, however, respect their views and customs when I’m with them.” The couple’s secular friends accommodate Evan by arranging kosher meat or fish for him when he and Romy come over for meals. 

In raising their daughter, Romy and Evan agreed to give her a Jewish education but left her level of observance up to her. While she ultimately chose a more secular way of life, she spent a gap year in Jerusalem, sometimes observing Shabbat. Today, she occasionally goes to shul with her friends. “She’s managed the process very well with no pressure from either side,” Romy says. “She keeps a kosher home and is very respectful of frum customs and dress.” 

Although the couple still has disagreements, they get through it without killing each other, Romy jokes. “I think there is sometimes judgement from Evan in that I have not ‘seen the light’. And I often contest his views and say that he is ‘blinkered’ and doesn’t have an open enough mind to see all perspectives. Yet, we’ve made it work very successfully with give and take on both sides.” 

Being the parent of a child who adopts a frum way of life also requires significant adjustment. Deanne Herson says her son showed an interest in becoming religious from an early age, wanting tzitzit and asking to keep kosher. She told him he could make such decisions once he had his Barmitzvah. 

“That’s exactly what happened. He turned 13 and became kosher. I had a kosher section in the house just for him, but he was still eating on my plates and from my oven, and he’d eat fish and pizza out. When my father-in-law passed away, my son was about 14 and there was no one else to say kaddish, so he did it. At that point, he told me he had to be 100% kosher.” 

Herson eventually kashered her entire house. Now 22, her son is more observant than ever, she says. “My older daughter is traditional like me and his twin sister is on the other end of the spectrum, not at all interested,” she says. “I’m quite an open-minded parent, and nothing is forced upon anyone from kashrut to Shabbos; it’s their choice.” 

However, the family’s different levels of observance sometimes mean they cannot celebrate occasions together, like when someone prefers a birthday meal at a non-kosher restaurant. Her son also spends chaggim and some Shabboses with shul friends as his synagogue is a 5km walk from home. 

While Herson’s house is strictly kosher, she herself doesn’t keep kosher. “It’s difficult running a kosher home when you’re not frum because there’s a level of trust,” she says. Her son often questions whether she’s following all the kashrut requirements to the letter. “It does put my back up and it creates a bit of tension, so those are the challenges,” she admits. “But generally, he is comfortable eating in the house as he knows that I’m very strict.” 

Ultimately, Herson says she’s supportive of her son’s choice. “I’m a Jew and I was brought up in a kosher home, so I’m glad that he’s following our family values.” 

Kira*, who is in her early 20s and lives with her parents, is more religious than the rest of her family. Her home has always been kosher and traditional, but at 17 she became more observant through the Bnei Akiva youth movement. “I saw with Bnei that you can be a ‘normal’ person and still keep Shabbos and be observant,” she says. “That’s when it changed for me, but it was a slow and gradual increase in observance, like going to shul more frequently.” 

Things got complicated when religious friends would come over to her house on Shabbos and the TV would be on, for example. “I knew my parents didn’t keep Shabbos, but no one stopped me and I didn’t stop my parents from doing anything,” she says. “It’s their house so I just do my own thing and go to my room.” 

Kira’s main concern is her sister, who recently moved out and doesn’t keep a kosher home. “If I become more frum like I want to, I’ll have to sacrifice eating in my sister’s home. Or I’ll make it uncomfortable for her as she won’t be able to cook food for me in her own pots.” 

Her dressing more modestly has also been an adjustment for her family, she says. “I didn’t know how to explain it to them, and my mom still doesn’t really understand it. But we’re constantly trying to help make things easier for each other.” While they may express their Judaism differently, with Kira feeling more connected through halacha, she and her family ultimately have the same values in terms of trusting in a higher power, she says. 

*Name has been changed due to family sensitivities.