Going undercover a spiritual journey, but hairy for some

From sheitels to hats to head scarves, there are endless options when it comes to hair coverings. Yet, though some observant women find that covering their hair after marriage is a mitzvah they can’t wait to embrace, for others, it’s fraught with challenges.

She may be a baal teshuva who only became religious a few years ago, but for Nikita Nevies, covering one’s hair after marriage was a practice that always appealed to her. “It just spoke to me,” she says. “It looks put together and dignified.” But it wasn’t a seamless transition.

“The week after my wedding, we went on honeymoon, and I was crying to my husband, I felt so ugly. I didn’t feel like I was dressed up nicely enough, especially with the mitpachat [headscarf]. I didn’t wear my sheitel. I was discovering how to wear the scarves, and exploring different materials, shapes, and patterns. It was quite hard, but once I found a way of tying it that I like, it became much easier.”

Nevies became so adept at tying headscarves that it’s become something people associate her with. She even has a women only Instagram account, @coveredinstyle_, tracking her tzniut journey.

Nevies generally feels more comfortable in headscarves than in a sheitel, as she feels that she draws less unwanted attention to herself when she’s out without her husband. “People know that I’m a married, religious woman, and they treat me completely differently,” she says.

For Nevies, allowing only her husband to see her real hair adds a special element to their marriage. “I’ll get a haircut and I’ll be excited to come home and show my husband. That’s what I like most – that only he gets to enjoy that with me.”

She advises those covering their hair to do it in the most comfortable way, whether it be with a headscarf, cap, or sheitel – whatever they identify with most strongly. “Find something that feels like you when you look in the mirror,” she says.

Conversely, Roslyn Lavi, now married for 11 years, felt like she was losing a part of herself by covering her hair. Having come from a reform background in South Africa, she met and married her husband, who is Sephardi Modern Orthodox, after moving to London. “I became more observant in a relatively short time, so I took on a lot quite quickly,” she recalls.

“In the community where we first got married, it was the done thing to cover your hair, and there was pressure to live up to its Orthodox standards. Especially as newlyweds, you feel that everyone is judging you all the time. Of course they aren’t, but we were self-conscious about fitting in. It was covering for the wrong reasons.”

Often walking her rowdy dog in the rain, she battled to keep her sheitel or headscarf on, Lavi says. She had also always felt a strong attachment to her long, thick hair, “her best asset”, which in fact made her feel connected to Judaism. “I have one non-Jewish side of my family, and I loved that I had ‘Jewish’ hair,” she says.

Lavi says for her, covering her hair took something away. “I felt I was losing myself and it was having an impact on my mental health. Stopping was absolutely the right decision for me,” she says. She still wore a sheitel on Shabbat, and though the community accepted her decision, she and her husband later found another community to which they related more strongly.

“We have wonderful gifts for our children and the world regardless of whether we cover our hair or not,” she says. “Don’t stop growing and learning regardless of whether you decide to take your sheitel off or keep it on.”

Temmi Hadar, the rebbetzin of Pine Street Shul, says that though there are diverse opinions in Jewish law about how much hair to cover and how to do it, all are valid. “The general halachic position is that there’s a mitzvah from the Torah to cover at least part of your hair and an additional rabbinic mitzvah to cover more hair while in public settings,” she says.

“I urge people to find their path – one that resonates with them,” she says. “The truth is, with halacha, every one of us is on a journey. From a Kabbalistic perspective, hair covering is one of many mitzvot that allows us to bring G-dly energy into the most mundane aspects of our lives. Even a woman’s hair is holy as it’s part of her innate spiritual energy which needs to be protected and nurtured.”

Hadar believes there’s a misconception about the difficulty of fulfilling the mitzvah, although she understands the struggle it sometimes brings. “It can bring a huge loss of identity because as women, for better or possibly for worse, our identity is often wrapped up in how we look,” she says.

Hadar herself, always known as the curly haired girl, initially chose a sheitel with long straight hair of a different colour to her own after she got married. “It was about being able to move beyond that, understanding that my identity isn’t about my appearance. Adapting to stepping away from that can be a huge challenge.”

Hadar encourages those struggling to embrace the mitzvah to learn more about it and find which means of hair covering is comfortable and works best for them. “If you’re not there yet, don’t not do it at all, cover your hair some of the time, like when going to shul or when performing a mitzvah like lighting Shabbat candles,” she says. “Alternatively, cover only part of your hair. Start small, and look at it as an opportunity to grow in a relationship with Hashem.

“In the world we live in, life is chaotic, and relationships can be challenging,” she says. “To find ways to bring Hashem into those relationships is a beautiful journey.”