Koleinu SA steps in to educate about sexual grooming

Sexual abuse is one of the most prevalent threats to children’s safety in South Africa, with one in five children becoming victims of some form of unwanted touch by the age of 18. But this societal scourge is difficult to measure as only 18% of cases are reported to authorities, according to Rebbetzin Wendy Hendler, one of the co-founders of Koleinu SA, an organisation that protects our community from abuse.

Because of the enormity of this problem, South African Jewish schools have called on Koleinu SA to help prevent children from becoming victims.

Koleinu SA’s School Safe programme has a three-pronged approach. It educates parents on the nature of child sexual abuse, grooming, red flags, responding to disclosures, and on the programme itself. Said Hendler, “We don’t want to terrify parents, rather to equip them with basic knowledge to pick up red flags and act to ensure the child’s safety.”

Koleinu SA also addresses school staff to ensure reporting protocols are in place. “Anybody who has a suspicion or has received disclosure about child sexual abuse is mandated by law in South Africa to report it if the child is under the age of 18,” Hendler said.

And, Koleinu SA teaches students through engaging activities and scenarios. “We don’t even mention the word ‘abuse’ in the programme,” said Rozanne Sack, Koleinu SA co-founder. Although fairly recent, Koleinu SA is educating Grade Rs through to Grade 6s in the hope of “entrenching skills and teaching them how to trust their gut instincts, as well as instilling a moral code in children who have the potential to be deviant”, she said.

Said Hendler, “The most important fact for parents to know is that 90% of time, abuse is perpetrated by a family member or someone a child trusts. The abuser will groom both the child and the family to open up to them, consequently giving them access to the child. Predators can be found in all areas of society, and are often well-respected members of our communities.”

Children targeted by predators are often vulnerable, Hendler said, and the predator will try to fill the child’s needs. Favouritism is a red flag. A perpetrator will target a child who shows talent or promise in sport or other areas and insert themselves into the child’s life as the person who will help them achieve their dreams.

“The abuser will start the process by sharing personal information [with the child] to gain their trust,” Hendler said. “Their aim is to glean information from the child that they can use later on by threatening to share their secrets to keep themselves safe.

“They start isolating the child, and blurring the lines of the relationship by sharing inappropriate information with the child,” she said. “The abuser may then make the child complicit in taboo activities such as underage drinking or watching inappropriate content online. If the child threatens to expose the abuse, they will threaten to use this knowledge publicly against them.

“Slowly, they will start to sexualise the relationship. The sexualising will start off with subtle touching like a hand on the child’s leg to gauge the child’s response,” said Hendler.

“The relationship continues until the child may become ready to disclose it. The abuser will then threaten the child with the private information they shared, or make them believe that no-one will believe them, or threaten to hurt their family, or make the child feel guilty for what will happen to their abuser if they tell,” said Hendler. “Their biggest fear is of being caught.”

The benefit of this education is to equip parents with knowledge and tools to pick up on red flags and intervene where necessary. For example, if the perpetrator is giving the child gifts, they can set up their own boundaries by saying, for example, “We give Chloe gifts only on her birthday.”

Another area of focus is body autonomy. A parent must honour children’s feelings, and not be dismissive if something is making their child uncomfortable. It’s the parents’ job to have difficult conversations with the adult to ensure that their child feels safe,” Hendler said. “A parent must provide a listening ear, and ensure that their child knows not to keep secrets that make them feel uncomfortable or scared.

When disclosing abuse, a child may give only part of the story in order to test how the person reacts, Hendler said. Make sure that your child knows that you believe them and acknowledge your child’s courage in sharing it with you. Don’t ask leading questions, rather encourage the child to talk more by asking open-ended questions. Once the child has disclosed the information, write it down. The natural reaction is to get angry with the abuser and say that you want them in jail. In the moment, it’s always better to stay calm.

“The child doesn’t want to hear what the consequences will be for their abuser as they often have a strong connection with them. Often the abuser has manipulated the child to feel that they are also at fault, so they are ashamed and believe they are guilty along with the abuser,” Hendler said.

The Koleinu SA student programme consists of three modules. “First, we develop their feelings, words, vocabulary. We focus on comfortable and uncomfortable feelings, feelings that sexually abused children usually feel are interspersed with normal feelings. The students learn that all feelings are valid, even the uncomfortable ones,” Sack said.

“In module two, we focus on warning signals. We help them identify how feelings show up in their own bodies, how to trust those feelings and act on them by speaking to a trusted adult, and what message that sends. They also learn that two different feelings can exist simultaneously, for example pleasure and shame because an abused child may feel love for their abuser while also having awareness that something is wrong.

“Though some programmes teach children to say no or tell the abuser to go away, we realise that it’s a difficult burden for a child to bear,” Sack said. “We help the children develop a safety network of trusted adults to turn to should they experience anything that makes them uncomfortable. The children come up with a safe adult network. If the child shares early on, it breaks the cycle of secrecy in which abuse flourishes, and enables the child to get help.

“Module three explains the difference between secrets. A good secret is short term with a happy ending. A bad secret is long term, and comes with threats. If a child is aware that this is a bad secret, they are taught to tell one or more of their safe adults.

“We teach privacy and body sanctity. Often abusers give funny names to cover up what they are doing to the child. If the child knows the anatomically correct terms, adults will understand immediately when something is wrong,” Sack said.

“The kids learn through a basket-of-apples exercise that even if an apple looks delicious on the outside, it may be rotten on the inside, which they will know only when they cut it open. No matter how important or powerful the abuser is, once the child experiences early warning signals, they are taught to tell their safe adults,” Sack said.

International research has shown that such safety programmes in schools increase the safety of our children and community.