GILLIAN KLAWANSKY
These devastating words were spoken by an alienated parent who shared her story at a recent talk on the topic.
Considered a form of psychological abuse that not only harms parents but also compromises a child’s self-esteem, parental alienation occurs when one parent turns their child against the other. The phenomenon was discussed by Dr Martin Strous, an educational psychologist with a special interest in psycho-legal matters, at an event organised by the Union of Jewish Women in association with the Hebrew Order of David.
“Outrage that a child has been alienated from one parent by the other parent is often voiced in high conflict post-divorce or post-separation situations. In parental alienation cases, a child is drawn into the conflict, and is programmed to become antagonistic toward one of their parents through a programme of active denigration.” The resulting rejection extends to the alienated parent’s family and friends.
This is what happened to an alienated parent who spoke at the event. She wishes to remain anonymous to protect her family. “I could be any one of you,” she said. “Except that I’m not. I have been viciously and completely alienated from two of my children.”
When her marriage began to break down, the alienated parent never imagined that her children would be used as weapons to destroy her. While initially she took all of her children when she left her marital home, her oldest son was systematically turned against her by her ex-husband and his mother, who falsely accused her of affairs and worse.
In spite of intervention by psychologists, lawyers, divorce and custody specialists, and the alienated parent’s appeals to Jewish community leaders, nothing changed, and her eldest son refused to see or speak to her. His younger brother later followed suit when his father took his side in a discipline issue.
In spite of constant effort by her, both sons have refused contact with their mother for the past few years. “I’ve been excluded from their Barmitzvahs, birthdays, Jewish holidays, mother’s days, and more,” she said.
Her youngest child was not alienated, and still has a relationship with both parents, which the mother supports. “If I stopped their contact, I would be teaching my child that if someone hurts or disappoints you, it’s ok to cut them out of your life,” she said. “One can’t have a relationship that is without conflict. Two of my children have learnt hatred, and the ability to cut out the people they should love. This doesn’t allow for compromise or forgiveness. What chance do they ever have of having a healthy, loving adult relationship?”
Strous described the damaging effects of parental alienation. “Children who are told that one parent doesn’t love them or isn’t a worthy person may internalise these messages in one of the few ways that makes sense to a child by concluding that there is something fundamentally wrong with him or herself. Unsurprisingly, alienated children often present an array of mental-health disorders.”
The alienated parent said that even though her unrelenting pain often gives way to self-hatred, she stays as involved with her kids as possible, even attending parents’ evenings and repeatedly explaining her situation.
“The pain and grief I feel is no different to any other mother who has lost her children. But I can’t go through the stages of grief, I can’t get to acceptance, I can’t ask for time to heal. My children are very much alive.”
Maintaining one-sided communication with the children who have been taught to reject her gives her some comfort, she said. “I write letters to my children all the time. I know they’ll never read them, but at least I have the comfort of communication. I also have conversations with them in my head.”
In spite of appeals to experts, the mother hasn’t managed to resolve the problem. “It appears the law works in favour of the one who has the most money,” she said. “As frustrated as I am, I’ll never give up. I want to educate the community about this type of abuse. It’s real, and I’m far from the only person that it is happening to. We must stand together.
“Schools, governing bodies, social workers, and the like are being complacent. There should be policies to educate teachers and anybody who works with children to recognise this form of abuse and report it to a team of lawyers and psychologists. These people should be able to assess the situation, and provide help immediately before it has the chance to take hold.”
Parental alienation is still a developing aspect of our law, said Claire Thomson, the chief executive and head of family Law at Witz Inc, a specialist family attorney and acting magistrate in the Children’s Court in Johannesburg in 2018. “It’s widely misunderstood, and the judiciary and lawyers are still catching up.”
When an alienated parent contacts a lawyer, they need to provide evidence for their case, said Thomson. “Lawyers aren’t trained, can’t diagnose or identify parental alienation as a psychological concept, and must rely on experts like psychologists who will be called as witnesses to support a claim of alienation.”
In terms of legal resolution, there are two approaches, she said. Both parties must agree to an intervention strategy, to have a psychologist, social worker, or family advocate appointed so that there can be an investigation. “If there’s no agreement, the only next available option is to bring an application before court.” Parents can either go to the Children’s Court, where they can represent themselves or to the high court, where they need to be represented by a lawyer at considerable expense.
When the court appoints an appropriate expert to conduct an investigation, it then suggests remedies the courts can enforce. These include therapy, family intervention, reintegration therapy – in which the alienated parent is reintroduced into the child’s life in a safe, controlled, and therapeutic manner – or the removal of the children from one parent to the other’s care.
“No one intervention can be applied to alienation cases,” said Strous. “Each family, in spite of the similarity of symptoms, has its own complex interacting and underlying dynamics.” In spite of all efforts, sometimes it’s impossible to turn alienation around, he cautioned. “The rejected parent is advised only to provide regular opportunities for contact, and always remain open to future overtures from the child.”
- At the end of the event, a support group for alienated parents was formed. Contact Lisette Datnow on 083 308 5000 for more information.
