Finding strength in starting over

Whether it’s at the start of a new year or during life’s inevitable upheavals, starting over is seldom a simple prospect. For some though, creating a new life has been the making of the people they were always meant to be. 

Change has been a constant for Dana Silver*, who moved to Arcadia Children’s Home at the age of five. “I was growing up in an unstable environment and shortly after that I lost my mother,” she says. “At that age, you don’t really understand the full weight of what’s happening, you just learn to adapt.” 

She’s grateful to Arcadia for giving her stability, structure, and opportunity when she desperately needed it. “More than anything, it gave me a chance to break the cycle and see that my circumstances didn’t have to determine the rest of my life.” 

Yet Silver faced multiple challenges along the way. By the time she reached matric, she was failing all her subjects and had little academic confidence. Then everything changed. “A family opened their home to my sister and me and gave us a completely different kind of stability and support. 

“That was one of the biggest turning points in my life. Within about three months, I went from failing to passing matric with distinctions. My ability hadn’t suddenly changed, my circumstances had. That experience showed me how powerful it can be when someone believes in you and gives you the space to believe in yourself too.” 

Now in her early 20s and building a corporate career, Silver cannot separate who she is today from those tough but formative experiences. “I don’t think I would ever have been in a position to even interview for the role I have now, let alone succeed in it, had it not been for everything I went through growing up,” she says. “More than anything, those experiences taught me that perspective is everything. I have learned how to see challenges as opportunities to adapt, work hard, and keep moving forward.” 

Having had to adjust to new homes, environments, and realities multiple times, Silver says she’s learned that starting over isn’t always negative. “Sometimes it’s the beginning of the part of your life that changes everything.” Navigating frequent changes, even if you’re just simply trying to cope, is the foundation of resilience, she says. 

“Now, I approach change with the understanding that even when you cannot control the circumstances around you, you can still build something new from them. For me, that’s probably the biggest lesson: your past will always be part of your story, but it doesn’t have to dictate your future.” 

In some cases, people actively seek a fresh start. After a painful breakup and two unexpected deaths in his family, Zack Cohen*, then in his 20s, knew he needed to do something completely different. So, when he saw an advert for a marine construction job in the Gulf, he decided to apply. 

“I already had my heart set on going to live overseas with my ex, which fell through with the breakup, and then this opportunity came along. With the losses I’d faced, I also needed to go somewhere to clear my head. It was a rollercoaster of emotions in a short space of time.” 

He interviewed for the position with a local recruiter and received an employment letter the next day. Within weeks, he was flying out. While the sudden change was out of character, and concerned his parents, it proved to be exactly what he needed. 

Working with people from around the world in a foreign country, he embraced his new life and travelled the globe. “I learned that I was capable of things that I didn’t previously see myself doing, and my world opened up.” 

After two years, however, due to global economic upheaval, the American company he worked for was forced to retrench staff. What began as a regular workday, ended with him on a plane back to South Africa that night. “It was bittersweet and a shock to the system, but I was glad to be going home to my family and friends. 

“I wouldn’t trade that time as I gained so much confidence and independence as well as a broader perspective on the world. Sometimes in life you get into a rut and this experience helped me to dislodge myself from that state.” 

While change often leads us to exactly where we’re meant to be, fear around it is common. “A predictable environment provides a sense of control,” explains counselling psychologist Lisa Hirschowitz. “Change shatters that illusion and forces individuals to confront a whole new reality.” 

It is also a sometimes painful way of establishing one’s identity, she says. “When there is change, people often feel temporarily incompetent or struggle with a shifting sense of who they are.” 

While resisting change isn’t unusual, adaptability is a key indicator of resilience, long-term well-being, and personal success, Hirschowitz says. It’s part of growth, a central part of life. “Change occurs regardless of whether one invites it or not. Being adaptable prevents one from being overwhelmed or left behind when circumstances do change. Change is vital in life as remaining in a comfortable routine eventually leads to stagnation. A clean slate exposes one to new environments, mindsets, and networks, reigniting curiosity and intellectual growth.” 

Going through a significant change – be it divorce, emigration, a new job, or any other life shift – requires grieving what was, while still being excited by what’s to come. “Understanding that mixed feelings can coexist about the same situation is vital. Transitions have three phases: the ending, the transition period, and the new beginning. The transition often feels chaotic, uncomfortable, and unanchored,” she says. 

Yet, feeling lost doesn’t mean you’ve made a mistake. “Give yourself time to adapt and adjust,” Hirschowitz advises. “When one feels out of control, it’s useful to keep certain things predictable, for example, drinking coffee at the same time each day, or a brief morning stretch or walk. This gives one something concrete to anchor to in times of chaos.” 

Getting support from others, whether it be from a friend, someone who’s been through something similar, or a psychologist, can also help you process the many feelings that come with change, she says. 

*Names have been changed due to family sensitivities.