GILLIAN KLAWANSKY
We’re navigating uncharted territory. Protecting our children doesn’t mean shielding them from this reality, especially at a time when we all have to take precautions. Minimising their anxiety means managing our own, says parenting coach, Laura Markovitz. “It’s important to start with ourselves, to find ways to manage our own worries and fears so that we’re not freaking our children out.”
Sheryl Cohen, an educational psychologist and the mother of four, agrees. “Children often deal with an issue in accordance with how their loved ones deal with it around them,” she says. “This means that if parents are able to model a calm, responsible, and reasonable approach to coronavirus, it will go a long way to containing children’s anxieties.”
This means watching what you say around your kids. “Be aware of what your children are exposed to verbally, visually, emotionally, and behaviourally,” says Cohen. For example, returning from the shops and telling your spouse that the shelves are empty because people are going crazy is ill-advised when kids are in earshot.
“We need to be cognisant of the things we can contain to help our children get through this without feeding the panic,” says Markovitz. “Allow your family to talk about other things without just focusing on the virus,” says Cohen.
Once we have a handle on our own reaction, it’s important to communicate openly with our kids.
“We often worry that by speaking to our kids, we’re going to put worries into their heads,” says Markovitz. “But they’re hearing and seeing things, their schools have shut down, and they’re not oblivious to what’s going on. So, instead of letting them have these worries going around in a loop in their heads, we have to give them the space to talk about it.”
Whether they’re feeling scared of the virus or excited by not having to go to school, they need to verbalise it. “Regardless of any excitement, school being closed is also leaving kids feeling somewhat unanchored, so our role as parents is to try and find ways to anchor them,” says Markovitz. “The best way to do that is to talk to them.”
First, ask them what they know about the virus, and what they think is going on, suggests Markovitz. “That’s a good way to gauge what they actually know and what they think they know, and it’s often also where you’re able to find the worry.” This is often more effective than asking them about their concerns more directly. “Our tendency as parents is to try and fix things for our children. We jump to tell them not to worry and start rationalising things away, but we really have to give them the space to feel whatever they are feeling and express that so that we can respond accordingly.”
Differentiate between fears and facts, says Cohen. “Some fears aren’t based on fact. These can be called “crooked thoughts” or “what-if worries”. Externalising the fear might help children to isolate and contain it. Encourage your child to “talk back to the worry”. This, too, is a way of giving children the opportunity of gaining greater mastery over their anxiety rather than becoming overwhelmed by it.
Don’t make false promises, says Markovitz. Don’t tell them they’ll never get the virus, or that things will go back to normal next week. “It’s rather about meeting them and saying, ‘Yes, these are worrying times. It’s not nice to feel worried, and this all does feel really weird’. At least if you give them the space to express that, they can process it a little better, moving through feelings rather than getting stuck in them.”
We need to give our kids age and stage-appropriate information, says Cohen. “Information is a good way to contain anxiety. Children need to know that the adults around them will do whatever it takes to keep them safe. Reassure them that there are people who can help such as professional doctors, nurses, and hospitals.”
Remind them of the times they’ve been sick and have got better in the past, says Markovitz. Go to their fears, hear their concerns, and tell them we’ll all take care of each other. When it comes to tweens and teens who can access their own information via the internet, teach them to be critical of what they’re reading, to understand what fake news is, and not believe everything. Direct them to credible sources.
Realise that kids will also be worried about the people in their lives like their grandparents or great grandparents as the virus is more dangerous for the elderly. “We’ve got to talk about how we’re handling that, how we’re making sure that granny and grandpa have what they need, and how we’re all checking in with each other,” says Markovitz. “Contain information to what they need to know, keep it simple, and don’t over-explain.”
In terms of getting children to take precautions, make it a part of their day. “Routine is helpful in containing anxiety,” says Cohen. “Create the routine of washing hands, for example when you walk inside the house, before meals, after toilet time, and so on.” When washing hands, get kids to sing songs they love as they wash to extend the duration and make it fun.
Creating a routine around this time might also assist in containing anxiety and boredom, which are intrinsically linked to one another. “This is because whenever there is an empty space, one tends to fill it with negativity,” says Cohen. “For example, if you don’t hear back from a friend, you wonder if they’re angry with you. Likewise, if children are bored, especially anxious children, they can begin to ruminate about all their worries and the things that can go wrong. This doesn’t mean parents have to work 24/7 to keep their kids busy, but it does mean that there needs to be a plan on how to manage the days and weeks ahead.
“Change for everyone has both loss and gain,” says Cohen. “For some, there is more loss and for others, more gain. The key is to find emotional balance. Try and edit the experience with both in mind. Term one has come to an abrupt end. It’s a sudden change. Maintaining a balanced perspective gives us a more resourceful way to respond, emotionally and behaviourally.”
