Mass migration of Jo-bird causes cadenza in Cape

As Capetonians and Durbanites start rolling down their shutters and rolling their eyes even more at the thought of our imminent invasion, Joburgers are happily gearing up for our much needed Summer “vacay”.

Suitcases are being packed, and Moishes orders placed for convenient delivery in those white polystyrene boxes of ready-prepared-meal goodness.

Some have booked for Thailand or Mauritius, but the rest of us Joburg Jews cannot wait to transform the quiet coastlines of Ballito, Ummies, Cape Town, and Plett into our very best version of King David by the Sea.

It’s been a year, and everyone is depleted.

But everyone is anxious due to said depletion levels and, whether or not they have what it takes to enjoy this time away without blowing up at their overbearing mother in law and creating yet another family farible, they are desperate to get out of town.

Escaping the water outages, the broom seller at the gate who seems to think that we need to replenish our mop collection every two days, and the endless online aliya sales – no Gloria, I don’t want to buy your fish-shaped glass platter, but thank you! – I’m beyond grateful for the glorious weather and the break. Time to kick off those Sambas in exchange for your Birkies, and start the glorious migration.

And who better to spend it with than 5 000 of our brothers and sisters? I wouldn’t want it any other way!

Where else will you see teenagers yelling from their balconies to their moms at the pool, letting them know they need more data?

I dare you to find another location where packs of teenage boys skulking around like a group of llamas, still wait while their mommies apply more sunscreen to their backs before ordering them an Uber to Clifton.

The girls in their tiny shorts are looking for something seemingly impossible to find in their equally tiny bags, tossing their hair back, and giving you a look as they pass you at the pool.

By 08:00, every single lounger and chair is lovingly draped in timeshare towels even though not a living soul is within a 100m radius of the actual pool area.

As always, the anxiety levels run high, but if you need a quick Urbanol, beach bags are yanked open and someone immediately has your back, usually with a handful of pharmaceutical options!

Everyone is either going to or coming back from a run, a swim, a cold-water immersion, or a hot yoga class. It doesn’t really matter which, as long as you bring back a takeaway coffee on your way home.

Yes, it’s chaos, but the very best kind.

I love how the ice-cream sellers on the beach are fully clued up on the laws of kashrut and respectfully leave you alone once you request Dairymaid.

The kids just love the freedom that comes with using a lift and pressing those buttons without an adult present several times a day – this may be the reason two of the lifts are always out of order.

The sweet shop downstairs is teaching them a valuable lesson regarding how little R20 will actually get you in life.

For those going to the Cape, it’s important to note that Sea Point has zero parking. Zero! The lines at Spar are full by 07:30 on Friday morning, and the chicken schnitzels will always “only be ready in an hour”.

South Africa remains a place of immense blessing and beauty. I dare you to locate a more breathtaking coastline with nicer people – well, at least those that aren’t chanting for our imminent demise.

Our community is unparalleled. Our people really are the best.

And if you need a better reason to stay, just imagine trying to get rid of all those bloody fish-shaped platters!

Come say hi, and give me a little kiss when you see me on that white sand. I cannot wait!

• Casey Shevel, otherwise known as #momofboys, is a mom, author, speaker, matchmaker, dating coach, and lover of all things heart-shaped.