LAUREN SHAPIRO
Until now, it’s been swept so far under the carpet, most people weren’t even aware it was possible. Well, let me tell you, it’s a thing.
What used to be called post-natal depression is now being termed peri-natal distress (PND), as psychiatrists recognise that it can occur during and after pregnancy as either depression or debilitating anxiety.
I didn’t know that when, during the first trimester of my third planned and prayed-for pregnancy, I found myself sinking into a pit of despair that threatened to consume me.
I’d been through pregnancy twice before, and loved every minute of it. I’d glowed and radiated, whiling away the nine months tenderly polishing my growing bump with organic coconut oil and singing to it.
So, I was completely unprepared for what came next. Joy bled out of my life. Fear took its place. I cried constantly, and suffered severe panic attacks.
I told myself it would pass. My psychologist told me it would pass. But instead of improving, it got worse. I realised something was very, very wrong, but I didn’t know what to do about it. One hospitalisation, two medical professionals, many months of therapy, and several psychiatric drugs later, mercifully I made it out the other side.
Most people don’t speak about PND, and so it continues to tear apart lives and families across our nation. One in three families is affected by PND in South Africa, according to the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG). That translates to about 50 000 women a year.
I tried to talk to my family and friends about what I went through, but how could they understand? How could I explain it? So I decided to write a book, immersing readers in my journey through the illness from pre-pregnancy to full recovery.
It’s an intensely personal story, so I was nervous of the potential social and professional consequences. As I was finishing the first draft, I happened to join a book club. None of us knew each other very well, so at the first meeting, we introduced ourselves. “I’m Lauren, I have three kids, I’m a journalist, and I’m writing a book.” Of course, they wanted to know what it was about. “It’s about my experience of PND,” I responded with false confidence. It’s hard to put that out there about yourself, especially to virtual strangers. There was an awkward silence, then one lady confided, “I had that too.”
“That’s the thing,” I said, capitalising on her honesty. “It’s actually so common, but no one likes to talk about it. And if we don’t talk about it, we can’t support each other. Statistically,” I continued, doing a rough head-count around the room, “there should be at least one more of you who’s suffered from it.” Slowly, silently, not one but two other hands went up. It made me realise I had to see the project through.
The writing process was arduous, though I was able to draw on the journals I kept during my illness. I’m blessed with a supportive spouse who ran the breakfast shift, so I could write from 05:00 until I took the kids to school at 07:00 (after which my “real” workday began). While sometimes it felt cathartic, it was difficult to revisit that harrowing time.
Nearly a year later, once I had a complete(ish) draft, I nervously shared it with a few friends and family, who gave invaluable feedback. I approached SADAG, who supplemented the manuscript with professional advice to help readers recognise and address PND. I edited it about six times before mustering the courage to submit it to publishers. Yup, me and JK Rowling – rejected or ignored by everyone.
After nursing my ego, and budgeting for a leap of faith, I found a self-publisher to guide me through a modest print-run. It’s been well received, and today, I am totally involved in raising awareness of this under-diagnosed but highly treatable illness. I’ve appeared in print, online, on radio and television, given talks and webinars, and participated in conferences, festivals, and advocacy events.
My mission statement was that if the book started even one conversation that led to helping someone conquer PND, then I would have achieved what I set out to do.
But I’m not stopping there.
- Through the Window: How I Beat PND is available from www.laurenshapiro.co.za/books and on Amazon Kindle.
