When your child’s device obsession trumps reality

From constant YouTube shorts to endless Snapchat conversations to late-night game updates they absolutely cannot miss, children’s device use is a constant source of family discord. Despite resultant worries around cyberbullying, sexting and more, a recent Klikd survey found that what parents struggle with most is that their children love their screens more than real life. 

If you’ve ever taken your child’s tablet away and felt like the worst parent in the world, or worried that they prefer their phone to you, you’re not alone. A mom of two sons in primary school, who asked to keep their identities private, says their device obsession clearly impacts the family dynamic. “They would rather be online with their friends than be around the family,” she says. “Or if they think the family is doing something boring, then that’s their go-to. It’s a hard barrier to break.” 

Her boys respond differently to their devices, she says. “My oldest gets hyped on it, and while he doesn’t want to disconnect, when I do take him off it, he can almost regulate himself. My youngest, however, is completely obsessed, and when he has to shut down, it can turn into an extreme meltdown that affects the whole mood of the household. When that happens, I often give in to avoid the drama.” This, she says, creates conflict between her and her husband as he takes a stricter approach. 

Nonetheless, she says that the devices have become central virtual meeting points where her children and their friends talk and socialise in the absence of such physical spaces. For her older son, this has, in fact, helped him establish new friendships. For her youngest though, it often causes discord, where he and his peers rage bait one another, often ending in tears. 

“What worries me most about my kids spending so much time on screens is that I believe it chemically changes their brains and how they think and perceive the world,” she says. “They should be out in nature, working their bodies ‒ what kids are supposed to do. It’s a constant fight between what they want to do, and what they should be doing.” 

In a recent webinar hosted by Klikd – an organisation helping parents, educators, children, and teens cultivate safer, more productive relationships with technology – co-founders Sarah Hoffman and Pam Tudin discussed these challenges. “By their very design, every screen, app, and social media company is designed to keep your child hooked,” said Hoffman, a social media lawyer. Yet understanding their resultant behaviour better equips us to approach screen challenges empathetically and with a solution that works. 

Device management is causing friction in families with children of any age, becoming increasingly complex as they get older, she said. That’s because children are affected by the dopamine hit present with any online platforms that work on algorithmic content. Dopamine is a “feel-good” neurotransmitter, a chemical messenger in the brain that regulates feelings of pleasure, motivation, and reward. “These platforms give your children little dopamine hits that make them feel so amazing that getting off that device becomes increasingly harder.” 

As children continuously get these dopamine hits and then come down from them, real life seems boring in comparison. With increased dopamine exposure, it becomes increasingly challenging to do everyday things, from reading to sitting at the dinner table, to returning to soccer practice the day after a bad match. 

Alongside the dopamine hits, older children chase a sense of belonging, which becomes increasingly important to them as they grow up, said Tudin, a clinical psychologist. While this is developmentally appropriate, it’s problematic when the need to belong is met online rather than in the real world. “We’re seeing some spaces online where kids are finding belonging in ways that aren’t good for them,” Tudin said. “Algorithmically, spaces like this come to our children when they’re vulnerable.” 

Whether this is through the manosphere, which promotes toxic masculinity, or platforms like Instagram or Snapchat, which can amplify social ostracisation, these spaces can be damaging yet remain highly addictive. There’s a constant fluctuation between dopamine hits when you’re included and the lows when you’re left out, which is very painful for children, Tudin said. 

Gaming provides these highs and lows through wins and losses, but also through online interactions with friends, or alternatively through the hiding place it provides for those lacking real-life social skills. So, when we say, ‘Time’s up’, for children it’s like being yanked out of the middle of a drug high. 

Based on this understanding, Klikd offers parents device management tools. This includes a family tech agreement, a reciprocal, proactive, written arrangement between parents and their children. 

Explain to your child that it’s for the well-being of the family and that you will work out together what it will contain, Tudin said. With older children, clarify that you’re not trying to control them. “Say, ‘I totally get that a big part of your social life happens online more than it does for me, and that’s okay. But I need us to find a balance that works, one where I’m not worried about you and you’re not resentful.’” 

Include one or two non-negotiables, including no screens in the bedroom at night, and say that everything else is up for discussion. Tudin also suggested creating screen-free zones, such as the dinner table, as well as deviceless days, like before a test. “Your tech agreement is ultimately your third-party arbitrator,” she said. “It takes you out of the power struggle, because you’re able to refer to the tech agreement and say, ‘We agreed this isn’t what we were going to do.’” 

The agreement also needs to lay out what happens if we don’t stick to the agreement ‒ based on a calm discussion, Tudin said. “Using the device as leverage isn’t what we want to do. Rather have the consequence considered and planned. That way, removing the device isn’t a punishment, it’s a natural, consequential, logical thing to do in the face of them pushing back.” 

This consequence shouldn’t come when they’re mid-scroll, Tudin said. “Don’t try to manage this when their nervous system is unable to handle the change and when you yourself have raised cortisol.” Rather, during a later calm moment you can discuss how to work things out together, using a measured factual tone. 

“Say, ‘I can see it was hard for you to stick to our agreement. That’s okay. For now, I’m going to take the device, because we agreed on something else. Let me know when you’re ready to stick to our agreement, and I’d love to give you the device back because I trust you. I know these devices are hard to get right.’” To demonstrate that the connection between you is still there, after this discussion, do something fun together like go for milkshake or play a game, she suggested. 

• To download the family technology agreement, visit: https://klikd.co.za/download-klikds-device-contract/?resources=contract