Toxic ‘manosphere’ influencing our boys

Boys are navigating a confusing cultural landscape in which they are “told to be strong, yet punished for showing vulnerability; expected to lead, but criticised for being too dominant; encouraged to succeed, yet warned against arrogance”, says Rozanne Sack, the co-founder of Koleinu SA.

This tension complicates the journey towards healthy, respectful manhood.

Sack’s organisation helps protect youth from abuse. She was speaking at an online discussion Koleinu SA held with experts on the damaging messages boys receive about their masculinity.

It’s time to re-examine the messages boys receive about what it means to be a man, Sack said. These messages, from homes, communities, peers, girls, and social media, profoundly shape how boys grow into men.

She used the Netflix series Adolescence as an example. “This show illustrated the emotional and psychological pressures boys face today. Boys are caught in a web of contradiction, struggling to balance strength with vulnerability, leadership with criticism, and ambition with humility.”

Sack told of a mother’s interaction with her 16-year-old son that poignantly captures the situation. “He told her how boys can’t vocalise when they are scared or nervous, especially to other boys or in groups without being seen as a “sissy”, and how men are meant to be strong, never cry, and provide financial and other support for their loved ones, otherwise society looks askance at them.” This reality underscores the urgency of addressing boys’ struggles alongside those of girls, Sack said.

Sarah Hoffman, a social media lawyer and the co-founder of Klikd, an organisation that helps parents and educators navigate young people’s digital lives, highlighted the impact of online content on boys.

The teen and “tween” years are critical for identity formation, and though building self-esteem is nothing new, what’s new is its public visibility, Hoffman said. “Everyone can see how many likes you get; how popular or unpopular you are; and whether you’ve been excluded.” It was concerning, Hoffman said, that boys often look to the “manosphere”, a network of websites and social media focused on masculinity, for guidance. There, she said, they find influencers like Andrew Tate, who has been banned online for the violent and aggressive nature of his content, and who promotes toxic ideas such as “extreme belittling of women” and that “men must be dominant and aggressive”.

What draws boys in, Hoffman said, is that the content “starts off all about self-improvement”, covering topics like gym routines, dating advice, and financial success, making boys “feel heard and seen”. However, it quickly “slips into an undercurrent that is violent, aggressive, that promotes violence against women”. A chilling example she gives is Tate’s response to a 12-year-old asking how to kiss a girl, “Bang out the machete, boom her in the face, and grip her by the neck. Shut up, b***h.”

Signs a boy may be influenced by Tate, she said, include “monosyllabic responses”; “dismissing emotional displays”; “hostility towards women”; and “increased aggression”. This toxic mindset is often hidden in coded language and emojis, making it difficult for adults to spot. Hoffman warned that such content often starts as “jokes” or “sarcasm”, but algorithms amplify it by feeding similar content.

The solution, Hoffman said, is for parents or the adults they respect to have “important conversations” with these boys in safe, non-judgemental spaces.

Craig Wilkinson, the founder of Father a Nation, an organisation that helps restore positive masculinity and end gender-based violence, said boys and men are motivated by three core desires, “A battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to pursue”. The battle men are often faced with isn’t a literal physical battle, but a “noble cause”, something to apply your strength and energy to be able to make a difference in the world, he said. He illustrated this with a vivid memory. “When my son was about 12, he and his friends – bored after school and on their BMX bikes – started tossing around ideas. One boy said, ‘I wonder what would happen if we rode straight into that brick wall.’

“Eight or nine of them lined up, adrenaline pumping, turning it into a competition: whoever hit the wall first would win. Each boy wrestled with the same thought: ‘I want to win, but I’m going to get hurt.’ Still, they counted down, “3, 2, 1”, and went for it,” Wilkinson said.

“It was irrational, even silly, yet when I share this story with mixed groups, the difference in reaction is striking.”

At the heart of every boy’s journey are the fundamental questions, “Do I have what it takes? Am I man enough?” Wilkinson said. He stressed that these questions are primarily aimed at fathers or male role models, seeking validation and guidance. They are literally asking, “Please validate me. Please affirm me,” he said. He compared masculinity to a motor car – powerful and valuable, but dangerous if mishandled. “Like driving, it must be taught by someone experienced.”

He spoke about the damaging messages boys receive today, like “Big boys don’t cry”; and “Men are trash”, and the emphasis on “sex, money, and power”. These narratives distort manhood, reducing it to conquest, dominance, materialism, and emotional suppression.

“The same lie applies to power. We see it everywhere – from politics to families, even in churches and synagogues – where alpha males feel the need to dominate, believing that power makes them a man.

“And then there’s money. In our materialistic society, we’re told that the car we drive determines our worth and our manhood.”

Wilkinson said boys urgently need positive masculine role models, what with tragic statistics like men dying by suicide at four times the rate of women.

He does his best to counter the negativity by teaching boys the Six Pack of Masculine Virtues, which includes using strength well; taking responsibility; defining oneself by character; building brotherhood; mentoring others; and making the world a better place. He tells men they are heroes in the making.

Luke Lamprecht, a child protection and development specialist with more than three decades of experience, shared his work with Fight With Insight, a boxing programme in Johannesburg that began as aftercare for juvenile offenders, and evolved into a prevention programme to address behavioural challenges in young men.

Lamprecht said boys need to feel that they belong. “We become where we belong,” he said. He noted that there is a crisis for boys in the increased risk-taking, depression, substance abuse, and violence among young men.

Lamprecht said he rejected the stereotype of men as “offenders in waiting”, rather seeing them as complex and vulnerable. He challenged the myth that masculinity is a problem to be fixed, saying, “I believe the liberation of women has also been deeply liberating for some men, freeing them to embrace more caring, nurturing roles instead of feeling confined to the stoic, Spartan ideal of masculinity.”

Lamprecht advocates that boys break free from “confined masculinity”, which he says is a narrow box of toughness and emotional suppression.

“The challenge is to break free from the expectations that hold us back, and become who we need to be,” he said. “In these moments of vulnerability and strength, a new kind of manhood is emerging that is diverse, dynamic, and hopeful.”