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What grandfather name fits…

I honestly had no idea how challenging it would be to choose a name for our new granddaughter to call us. We are certainly not the first people in the world to have a grandchild and it seemed to me that others slipped into the names with enviable ease. Why this would turn out to be so darn difficult, I genuinely have no idea.





Perhaps it’s because we were given the rule that my wife and I had to match. If I was Ying, then she had to be Yang. If I was Stan then she had to be Pete, me Salt to her Pepper, and so on. There would be no mixing of styles and languages, and although we could choose anything we fancied, this was one rule that we needed to abide by.

So, what’s the big deal? The big deal is that we are not the Bobba and Zaida type in that we are still in our forties (at least I will be for a few weeks). My own Zaida was the kindest, most gentle man in the whole world. But he was also the oldest. I adored him, but I never imagined being him. Saba and Safta are nice, but it just feels like I am trying too hard. I am a staunch Zionist. I am just not a Hebrew.

I wanted to go with “Pops”, but my wife wasn’t happy to be Lolly. And I get that. I imagine that Lollies are completely daft and will definitely always forget to fetch the kid from school on Tuesday when it’s her turn to collect her, give her lunch and take her to “modern”. Lolly is genuinely a sweet person but as mad as a hatter, and doesn’t inspire the confidence that a working mom requires from her mother-in-law. Just saying.

I didn’t mind Mkulu and Gogo, but what about future grandchildren who might live in Israel or Singapore or Christchurch? I also am a bit fearful about cultural appropriation. I would hate for Twitter to decide that we have not only stolen the land, the minerals and all the best holiday homes, but now also the language. It’s probably best to leave that one well alone.

Opa became a viable option, at least for me. My mother’s father was very Germanic – and a little difficult and sometimes unpleasant one. Which turned out to be the problem as I apparently have enough “Opa-like” tendencies which no one wants to encourage. Least of all my wife, who has dreaded me becoming my Opa for the past 27 years of our marriage. So, that option was removed off the very neat and tidy table, and we landed back to square one.

The “Insta” teenage crowd tried to convince us to go the celeb route. Apparently, “Glammy” is “on fleek” right now. But that made my wife think of tight leather trousers, botox, fillers and magnificently puckered lips. Impressive, but our granddaughter will be unlikely to attend Saheti.

I opened it up to my Morning Show listeners, who assisted us in arriving at the answer. I gave them the rules. I explained the issues and asked for help. It is true to say that they know me and understand me, and they would never lead me astray. I believe it was “Fay” who started the process that would end in the decision. “What about Grumpy and Happy?” she asked. Sadly, I didn’t need to question who she thought was which.

I told the family what Fay had suggested, but my wife said that she would not be known forever as a dwarf. She seemed to have no issue about the fact that my listeners didn’t consider me all sparkle and sunshine. I have to say it hurt a little.

But she thought about it and reverted with the edict. From henceforth, and from now on (assuming it doesn’t mean the same thing), he and she, grandfather and grandmother to this new little person, and please G-d to future grandchildren, even those in Christchurch, will be known as Grumpy and Granny. It’s simple, it’s descriptive and most of all, it matches.

“But what happens if I am not always Grumpy?” I asked tentatively. “Well,” she said after thinking about it, “if you become a little more cheerful… then we can always call you Opa!”

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1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. Yusuf bhyat

    Jul 27, 2018 at 12:53 pm

    ‘Oh man . I have not much to say other than this article has just made me smile. Awesome sweet’

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Challah – bread of Jewish men’s affliction



There are many reasons why it isn’t easy to be a Jewish male. Expectation of performance begins at eight days, and hardly eases up until we shuffle off the mortal coil, well ahead of our time, exhausted from the effort and stress of it all.

The expectations are seemingly without end. We need to make our parents proud, we need to provide for our families, to be good husbands and better fathers, and we need to have run at least one marathon in a far-flung city by the time we are 45.

We need to be able to sing in front of the community at our Barmitzvahs, just when we are at our most awkward and when our voices are the most unreliable. We need to be able to intone anything at any given time.

And then, on the one night of the week when we can relax, we are required to cut the challah with the precision of a surgeon, the speed of Usain Bolt, and we need to do so while everyone watches in hungry expectation.

Following the kiddush prayer and the ritualistic washing of hands, there is a period of silence. With no speaking until the eating of the challah, it’s one of the most underrated aspects of being a Jewish male. It’s a moment that represents almost every aspect of “Jewish maleness”, and it happens week after week after week. Why?

Because no matter what, it will be done wrong. The slices will be too thick. Or thin. Or the wrong challah would have been selected. Too much, too little salt will have been added. And the challah serving plate will have been passed in the wrong direction. Eyes will be rolled, lips pursed, and heads will be slowly shaken. From side. To side. To side.

A Jewish male it would seem, cannot please a Jewish woman.

I have asked around. A friend’s wife told me that she can’t stand the way he cuts the challah, and prefers to do it herself. “He just can’t get it right. It’s got so bad that I hardly even let him carve the meat.”

She even went as far as to buy an electric carving knife, which she used before he got home from work on a Friday so that he didn’t need to. It might be worth mentioning that when he’s not “butchering” the challah, he’s a well-respected surgeon. At least he made his parents proud.

And there are those who are too precise for their own good. My father-in-law is one such case. Each piece of challah is measured to perfection. Sliced the way through, and then checked in case any remnants of attachment to the piece before remains, before moving on to slice number two. And so on.

Generally, we like to start Shabbat on Wednesday when visiting, as it takes about that long before we get to eat. All while we sit in silence.

The slicing of challah is the most underrated aspect of being a Jewish male. It carries with it all the expectation along with all the disappointment of generations of men who have failed before them.

It’s a moment that’s shared in all households across the Jewish world week after week. It bonds Jewish women to the past, and will link them to their great granddaughters, who will one day share knowing looks with their sisters as they watch their husband “butcher” the challah, just as their father did.

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Rebuilding hope and rewarding service



This week, we have been hard at work finalising the upcoming South African Jewish Board of Deputies national conference, to take place on Sunday, 17 October, from 16:00 to 18:00.

The theme of the conference is “Hope and Recovery”, and as the title indicates, the focus will be on rebuilding following the testing and often traumatic events of the past two years. To share the challenges as well as the path of hope and recovery in areas of crucial concern, we have a panel of experts comprising Minister of Finance Enoch Godongwana, Eskom Chief Executive Andre de Ruyter, and Advocate Wim Trengove. We are further privileged to host Ambassador Ronald Lauder, the president of the World Jewish Congress, and Israel’s Minister of Diaspora Affairs Nachman Shai, both of whom will be speaking.

The Board’s national conferences are also an opportunity to honour community members who have made a particularly noteworthy contribution to society, whether to the country as a whole or South African Jewry specifically. Since 1999, we have recognised those who have advanced the cause of human rights and democracy. The scope of the award, now called the Rabbi Cyril and Ann Harris Humanitarian Award, includes those involved in social outreach and upliftment work.

This year, it will be presented to Natie and Francis Kirsh and family in recognition of the unfailingly generous support they have provided to our community and our country over many years, but particularly during the COVID-19 period.

For those who have excelled in communal service, we will be presenting the Eric Samson Mendel Kaplan Award. Two presentations are made, one to a lay leader and the other to a professional. In the “lay” category, the recipients are Professor Barry Schoub and Dr Richard Friedland, two leading medical experts who during the COVID-19 pandemic, have shown extraordinary commitment and played such a pivotal role in guiding our community. In the “professional” category, we will honour Vivienne Anstey, the exemplar of a thoroughly professional, innovative Jewish public servant for more than 30 years, and Uriel Rosen, Hatzolah’s operations manager and the originator of its Wellness Monitoring Programme that has been so transformative in helping those suffering from COVID-19.

Please join us for what promises to be a fascinating conversation about how to move forward and rebuild. To register, go to

#MakeUsCount events

Along with preparing for conference, the Board has been running its #MakeUsCount pre-election awareness campaign. During the past week, our Gauteng, Cape Town, and Durban branches have hosted lively and well attended “Great Debates” between representatives of the main competing parties. At the time of writing, Gauteng is preparing for a second event, a webinar with leading political journalist Stephen Grootes in conversation with political and election experts and analysts Wayne Sussman, Nompumelelo Runji, and Dr Ralph Mathekga. I look forward to updating you about further #MakeUsCount events in the days leading up to the municipal elections on 1 November.

This being my last Above Board before my term as National Chair comes to an end, I take this opportunity of recording how great an honour it has been to serve our community for the past four years and wishing my successor everything of the best.

  • Listen to Charisse Zeifert on Jewish Board Talk, 101.9 ChaiFM, every Friday from 12:00 to 13:00.

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Board calls for practical implementation of hate-crime legislation



This week, the South African Jewish Board of Deputies (SAJBD) submitted written comments on the Prevention and Combating of Hate Crimes and Hate Speech Bill after its release for public comment by the Parliamentary Portfolio Committee on Justice and Correctional Services. We have requested an opportunity for the SAJBD to give an oral submission on the Bill in due course. As a steering committee member representing the Board on the Hate Crimes Working Group (HCWG), our representative, Alana Baranov, was also involved in the drafting of the HCWG submission on the Bill.

The genesis of this important piece of legislation goes back to 2016, when the first draft of the Bill was released. The Board, at its own behest and through the HCWG, has been involved in the process from the outset, including making previous submissions. While we have raised certain legal-technical concerns over aspects of the Bill, in general we have welcomed it as being aimed at giving practical effect to the prevention of racism and discrimination and providing for the prosecution and prevention of hate crimes and hate speech.

The SAJBD’s submission on the Bill focused on the specific concerns of the Jewish community regarding antisemitism. It further stressed that the Act must be so framed as to make its practical implementation possible, and to this end, recommended expanding the reach and effectiveness of current legislation and mechanisms for dealing with incidents of hate, such as the South African Human Rights Commission and Equality Courts. These institutions have been of critical value to the Board in addressing numerous antisemitic incidents that have arisen over the past two decades, including those involving senior office bearers in government and trade unions. It’s therefore vital that they are adequately empowered and resourced.

JSC drops ball a second time at Concourt interviews

Earlier this year, the way in which two Jewish candidates for Constitutional Court positions were treated during their interviews by the Judicial Services Commission (JSC) generated much justified outrage. As previously recounted in this column, both were subjected to a barrage of irrelevant and inappropriate questions pertaining to their Jewish identity, association with the SAJBD, and views on the Palestinian-Israeli conflict. Other candidates were also subjected to inappropriate treatment. In response, the Council for the Advancement of the South African Constitution launched a successful challenge to that process in the High Court, resulting in the JSC being directed to re-interview the candidates.

Unfortunately, the second round of interviews, conducted earlier this week, amounted to “Groundhog Day” for the Jewish community. Following their stinging rebuke at the hands of civil society and the courts, one would have expected the JSC to steer clear this time round of offensive questions concerning a candidate’s Jewish affiliations, yet once again, a Jewish candidate was so targeted, specifically for his previous association with the SAJBD. The characterisation by one of the commissioners of the SAJBD as a “pro-Zionist body that is bullying their people and organisations who are objecting to the Israeli establishment in the Palestine region” was especially out of line. This was specifically referred to in our media release issued this week, and will be one of the key issues we will address with the JSC.

  • Listen to Charisse Zeifert on Jewish Board Talk, 101.9 ChaiFM, every Friday from 12:00 to 13:00.

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