The peptides we really need

I have no recollection of where I was when I first heard the word “peptide”. Nor do I know where I’ll be when I finally understand exactly what one is. What I do know is that, according to my Instagram feed, peptides appear to be the answer to almost everything. 

Ageing? Peptide. Wrinkles? Peptide. Skin tone? Peptide. Visceral fat? Definitely peptide. Regular fat? Also peptide. Joint pain, appetite, satiety, recovery, sleep, energy, libido … every day another enthusiastic doctor, wellness expert, or suspiciously muscular influencer appears to explain that the missing ingredient in my life isn’t more exercise or less cheesecake. It’s a peptide. 

Perhaps they’re right. 

Modern medicine is remarkable. Treatments that would have sounded like science fiction a decade ago are becoming commonplace. Scientists are developing therapies that genuinely improve lives, extend lives, and, in some cases, completely transform them. 

But I can’t help wondering whether they’re focusing on the wrong conditions. Because if biotechnology really wants to make the world a happier place, it needs to stop worrying about my collagen production for a moment and start developing peptides for other people’s annoying habits. 

Take Voxanide™, for example. One injection a week completely eliminates the urge to send five-minute WhatsApp voice notes that begin, “Hi Howard … just a quick one…” Clinical trials show that after treatment, patients instinctively switch to typing. Those who continue recording voice notes mysteriously run out of things to say after 23 seconds. 

The results have been described as life-changing. 

One of the most exciting developments is a new family of conversational peptides. Vegatide™, Endorphase™, and Hyroxinol™ all target the same underlying condition: the irresistible need to tell complete strangers about your lifestyle choices. Early trials suggest that vegans can now finish a meal before mentioning they’re vegan, runners can survive an entire conversation without referring to their latest marathon, and Hyrox competitors no longer feel compelled to explain what a sled push is to people who never asked. More research is needed, although friends and family are already reporting a dramatic improvement in quality of life. 

The scientists originally developed the treatment for CrossFit athletes, but quickly discovered it worked equally well on vegans, marathon runners, and Hyrox competitors. Patients can now spend up to 45 minutes in social situations without mentioning their PB, protein intake, or Zone 2 training. 

One of the most exciting developments is Speakerphonex™. This peptide is aimed at people who conduct deeply personal conversations on loudspeaker while standing in coffee shops. Early trials indicate that patients suddenly develop the revolutionary urge to hold the phone against their ear. Scientists are calling it “one of the greatest medical breakthroughs of our generation”. 

Personally, I think they’re underselling it. 

There is also encouraging news from the field of education. ParentGroupide™ has shown remarkable success in treating parents who ask, “Just checking, are the children wearing civies tomorrow?” And also replies “Thanks” to every message in the group, no matter the context. After a single dose, participants become capable of scrolling up three messages before asking the question. 

The education system may never recover from the efficiency. 

Real peptides are already changing lives in ways that seemed impossible not so long ago. They deserve the excitement surrounding them. But if researchers are looking for the next great frontier in medicine, I’d like to make a humble suggestion. 

Forget my visceral fat for a while. 

Instead, develop something for people who stop dead in the middle of an airport walkway because they’ve suddenly remembered they have a passport. Or those who scribe, “Why does this always happen to me!” as their Facebook status, or people who write “Back at the ER, again!” and then decide to opt for the silent route. 

The older I get, the less interested I am in living forever. And the more interested I am in living in a world where there is a weekly jab that prevents people from telling us about their padel league ranking.