If you’re considering divorce, don’t do it now
As families are forced into lockdown together, the fault lines in relationships become clearer, which has increased divorce in some countries by as much as 30%. In South Africa, a number of local lawyers report the same phenomenon.
Sasha Goldstein, a family law specialist attorney at Bregman Moodley Attorneys, says, “Our firm has seen an increase of about 35% to 40% in divorce consultations. Enquiries seem to be of a much more urgent nature.
“First, lockdown has proven unbearable for many who find themselves in unhappy or abusive marriages, and second, clients have more time on their hands. Before COVID-19, for many, starting the divorce process was a low priority. Many were daunted by the process, and couldn’t find the time to research lawyers, consult, and start the divorce process.
“It suits many couples to avoid initiating the process as they live completely separate lives while married. By taking away the office and replacing it with work-from-home situations, many couples are finding themselves having to take another look at their marriage.
“If someone is truly unhappy or in an abusive relationship, they should first consult an attorney to find out their options and ‘get their ducks in a row’. Many clients, especially women, feel they are trapped in unhappy marriages due to financial dependence on their spouse. After consulting with an attorney, they will find out they actually have more options than they thought.”
Says Goldstein, “Don’t be scared of the [divorce] process. Many clients feel a lot more at ease after the initial consultation, and actually wish they had done so sooner.”
Divorce attorney Hugh Raichlin says he hasn’t witnessed a noticeable increase in divorces in his practice. However he notes that “financial difficulties are a well-known cause of problems in a marriage, and the lockdown has created a pressure-cooker effect for many families. It appears that there are also couples that have experienced an improvement in their relationships.”
As an attorney and a qualified mediator, Raichlin says, “It’s always recommended that parties see a therapist before embarking on divorce. Very often, what seems to be insurmountable problems can be overcome with therapy. The couple will still be raising their children, attending school functions and celebrations together, so it’s in everyone’s interest to avoid a total breakdown in communication.
“I encourage both parties to attend mediation sessions to start a conversation about how to get divorced amicably, thinking about the best interests of their children, and ideally drafting a parenting plan to set in place the parameters for raising their children together but separately.
“This includes discussing maintenance and the division of assets, with a view to entering into a settlement agreement that can be made an order of the court, without a full-blown, expensive trial.”
“It’s definitely worthwhile to wait until things normalise prior to making a life-altering decision to get divorced,” advises attorney Yossi Shishler. “One of the greatest challenges that people wanting to get divorced are faced with is strained finances. Generally, most households are able to just make ends meet on two salaries. Under lockdown, finances are strained, and in a post-divorce scenario, those two salaries will now have to finance two households. It is always a worthwhile exercise for parties to consider the financial implications of divorce prior to proceeding.”
Clinical psychologist Beverley Marcus says, “Lockdown puts a magnifying glass on the cracks that are already there. Couples whose marital issues were masked by the hustle and bustle of everyday life may find themselves in a fragile and vulnerable space, leaving things feeling broken beyond repair.”
Children may be particularly impacted by divorce under lockdown. “In the current situation, everyone is traumatised to a greater or lesser degree, and this includes children. All of the constants that they could previously rely upon have been taken away. A child whose parents are divorcing during lockdown is likely to experience quite complex trauma that will hook into all the other losses.
“They may feel as if their world is falling apart, and if this is the case, it’s important that the child is provided with a safe therapeutic space to help them process this trauma, deal with the loss, and adjust to a different family structure.”
Says attorney Graeme Krawitz, “Some people are rushing into divorce, and should wait for life to return to ‘normal’ before making such a life-changing decision. The impact of divorce will affect the entire family for decades to come.
“It’s best to consult an attorney, and consider the financial and other ramifications of a divorce, and also the matrimonial regime under which one is married. Courts are running at a reduced capacity and more slowly than normal because of lockdown procedures and reduced staff. For couples with or without children, the division and distribution of assets, housing, adjusted standards of living, and all other concomitant financial considerations must be carefully weighed up.”
Dana Labe, a clinical social worker based in Johannesburg notes that everyone is in survival mode, which means dysfunctional patterns are heightened. Four particular behaviours are the most damaging: criticism, blame, contempt, and stonewalling (the silent treatment). To prevent these, Labe says it is vital to prioritise respect. “You may feel like you are drowning and your partner is on the shore, but in fact you are both drowning and doing your best to get to shore,” she says.
If it’s clear that a marriage is over, “Lockdown is a good time to decide if you want to get divorced, but it’s not a good time to execute it,” Labe says. “Try to hang in there and get help, even if just for the short term. It is not necessarily going to save your marriage, but it will save your sanity. The practicalities of getting divorced right now aren’t easy. Some can pull it off, but this time requires fortitude, patience, and respect.
Regarding children, Labe says, “What happens between parents is the playground your children walk on. It can have shattered glass, or be a safe environment.” If a divorce is respectful and their well-being is prioritised, children can emerge relatively unscathed. “If we can’t make a good marriage, we have the opportunity to make a good divorce,” Labe counsels.
Second wave surges over community
The second wave of COVID-19 is currently crashing over the South African Jewish community, leaving tragedy, despair, and fear in its wake. In Cape Town, one community member reported her relative’s funeral this week was delayed as there were “too many bodies” that needed to be buried.
“We are entering into the peak of the second wave in Gauteng,” says top Johannesburg pulmonologist Dr Anton Meyberg. “Never in my wildest dreams did I believe that it could be worse than the first wave, but it is. G-d help us as we travel this road.
“Multiple people in our community are being quarantined or isolated. There are much younger, sicker people, and they are scared, anxious, and fragile. The wards are rapidly over-filling. Healthcare-worker fatigue is the new norm.”
Eric Berger, the director of the Cemetery Maintenance Board in Cape Town, says, “We have seen a spike in the number of deaths over the past two weeks, and expect this to continue for the next five to ten days.”
Meanwhile, in Johannesburg, Chevrah Kadisha (Chev) Chief Executive Saul Tomson says, “The total deaths in December were up 37% compared to the five-year average”.
“The second wave seems to have affected our community with much greater force than the first,” says general practitioner Dr Orit Laskov, whose practice is in the heart of Sea Point. “At our practice, we are seeing huge numbers of people contacting us daily with symptoms and testing positive, and increasing distress. People aren’t able to care for loved ones. Patients are anxious about developing severe complications and needing to go to hospital.
“The virus is affecting almost all age groups and unfortunately, we continue to see irresponsible behaviour and choices resulting in ‘pods’ of infection among people in the community and whole families affected, with multiple deaths in one family now not uncommon,” says Laskov.
“People need to behave like we are in level 4 or 5 lockdown to protect themselves and their families, and any onset of symptoms must be taken seriously. Don’t be in denial. If it could be COVID-19 then it probably is COVID-19 at the moment,” she says.
The director of the Community Security Organisation in Cape Town, Loren Raize, agrees that the second wave has drastically increased cases within the community. “In June, we were taking care of 53 patients on our COVID-19 wellness programme. In December, at one stage we had more than 200 active cases to manage, many of whom had to be hospitalised, and sadly there have been a number of deaths. During the first peak, by day 10 the vast majority of patients were ready to come off the programme. This time around, we are taking care of patients for 14 days plus.
“On average, we service 90 calls per month, whereas in December, we had more than 360 calls. Over and above this, we sent a mobile logistics unit to service Plettenberg Bay and surrounds during this time, as well as assisting Hatzolah with cases of Johannesburg patients on holiday in Cape Town,” says Raize.
In Johannesburg, Hatzolah volunteers and staff say they are too busy working in the community to respond to questions, but that the numbers recorded on their wellness programme “say it all”. Just in the week preceding 8 January, they took on 225 new cases. Twenty-eight people were admitted to hospital, and 19 people were put on home oxygen.
Considering the statistics that Hatzolah puts out on a weekly basis, SA Jewish Report Chairperson Howard Sackstein has worked out that an average of 34.3 people in our community in Johannesburg are contracting the virus daily at the moment.
One community member in Johannesburg, speaking on condition of anonymity, says, “The pain, aches, dizziness, nausea, and headaches are so bad that I cried. The isolation of being in a room alone for 14 days and the guilt isn’t for the faint-hearted.” She says her 10-year-old son has symptoms, and while an initial test came back negative, he will be tested again. “I wasn’t able to love, hug, or be a mom to him. He was scared, and I couldn’t comfort my precious child.” She is endlessly grateful to Hatzolah for monitoring them both daily.
Tomson says there was a decrease in community deaths in October and November, which was down year-on-year, but compared to the five-year average, there was a 17% increase in community deaths in 2020.
Within the Chevrah Kadisha’s residential facilities, “We have been blessed for many months to have no COVID-19 infections, which is miraculous. We are still being extremely vigilant with protocols. We’ve stopped in-person visitations, but digital visits remain very popular. Funerals have been very small.
“We have seen tremendous trauma with families not being able to attend funerals, spouses not being able to attend because they’re COVID-19 positive, and families overseas. Our bereavement counselling services have been there to support the community through this time, and it’s been very difficult. In some instances, families have been brought in special vehicles to the funeral if they are COVID-19 positive,” Tomson says.
“The Chev’s staff and volunteers remain committed in the face of danger. COVID-19 deaths present risk when collecting, preparing, and burying the deceased,” he says. “Credit needs to be given to those brave people – volunteers and staff – committed to burying with dignity and compassion in spite of the challenges they face.”
In Cape Town’s Highlands House Home for Jewish Aged, two residents have been lost to COVID-19 in the past week, and two have COVID-19.
The disease has had a huge impact on the small but strong Durban Jewish community. “Since the beginning of December, the community’s Crisis Management Team has monitored 106 people, with 15 having to be hospitalised. We are aware of many others in the community that we aren’t actively monitoring,” says South African Jewish Board of Deputies KwaZulu-Natal Council President Jeremy Droyman.
“At one stage, we were actively monitoring 60 people simultaneously. Currently, we have 32 active cases. Sadly, there have been six deaths.” Jewish aged home Beth Shalom has had two positive cases and one death during the second wave.
“One of the things that is probably under-reported is the impact of people not being able to see their loved ones when they’re in hospital, and tragically when they die,” he says. “This is having a big impact on families because normally they would have some time to come to peace with the passing of their family, and COVID-19 has meant the people are dying alone in hospital, which is awful.”
Institutions continue to battle the effects of the surge. “It’s been a really tough period,” says Shelly Korn, the director of the Glendale Home for Jewish Persons with Intellectual Disabilities in Cape Town, which lost two residents to the virus in 2020. “We had many of our staff sick all at once. We have been working with skeleton staff and are really struggling. We are also finding that people who have recovered and are coming back to work are battling with recovery. They can’t work full days, and have issues with energy and breathing. In terms of testing and personal protective equipment, it has been an expensive exercise.
“Now everyone knows someone who has been in hospital. Everyone knows someone who has succumbed to this deadly virus,” says Meyberg. “It’s time to stand up and be counted – wear your mask, keep a social distance, be responsible,” he pleads.
Dlamini puts “Hitler loving” past behind him
Six years ago, infamous campus rabble rouser and Fees Must Fall student activist Mcebo Dlamini was a fiery, Israel-bashing antisemite prone to hurtful and divisive words, including his love and admiration for Hitler.
Today, he appears to be a different man. The erstwhile University of the Witwatersrand (Wits) student representative council president says he has had time to reflect on what he now admits was a shameful and misguided period in the impressionable springtime of his political career.
“I was naïve and overwhelmed by the space I occupied as a young leader. I lacked a role model and mentor to guide me,” a repentant Dlamini told the SA Jewish Report this week.
Just two days before the Day of Reconciliation on 16 December, the South African Jewish Board of Deputies (SAJBD) accepted a written apology from Dlamini and engaged in mediation with him, facilitated by the South African Human Rights Commission (SAHRC). It was a poignant moment – many years overdue – that has been praised as an example of true reconciliation.
The mediation took place at the Johannesburg Holocaust & Genocide Centre (JHGC), where Dlamini was introduced to the horrors of the Holocaust and the Rwanda genocides following a facilitated educational engagement with the permanent exhibition at the JHGC.
“It made a huge impact,” he said this week.
“I felt a big sense of relief when my apology was accepted. I never thought this would end amicably,” said Dlamini who was “very nervous” the first time he visited the offices of Zev Krengel, the vice-chairperson of the SAJBD.
“He thought he was going to be arrested,” said Krengel this week, as the two men sipped coffee together in his office and recalled the day last year when Dlamini arrived at his office hoping finally to make amends.
What motivated the passionate Swaziland-born firebrand, who was found guilty of public violence for his part on the 2016 Fees Must Fall protests, to apologise now?
“I found I was no longer in a position to be taken seriously,” he lamented this week.
“What I said weighed heavily on my shoulders and persistently blocked my growth in social-justice activism. I found I couldn’t touch lives because I had destroyed lives. I want to be a human-rights lawyer, but how could I talk about love, reconciliation, and peace when I had made these comments?”
The SAJBD lodged a formal complaint against Dlamini with the SAHRC in 2015. In April that year, Dlamini took to Facebook and wrote, “I love Adolf Hitler. In every white person there is an element of Adolf Hitler”.
Then, during a live interview on PowerFM in June 2015, he said of Jewish people, “They are devils. They are good for nothing. They are hypocritical … they are uncircumcised in heart.”
There were other comments. Each time, he seemed to get more followers on Facebook.
“You get carried away in that process, and no one tells you that what you are doing is hurtful and dangerous and can damage your future career,” he said.
Much of Dlamini’s childhood was in Kamhlushwa in Mpumalanga, where his mother introduced him to politics from a young age. “She taught me about Pan-Africanism, and politics was part of our lives,” he said.
Dlamini became swept up in the heady induction phase of student politics. He rose quickly through the ranks of the Progressive Youth Alliance (consisting of progressive students of the South African Students’ Congress, the African National Congress Youth League, and the Young Communist League).
“Apart from many issues, the Middle East conflict always comes up for discussion. There is a dominant pro-Palestine narrative which I realise is biased and one-sided,” he said, admitting that he became “damaged” by it.
Following months of introspection and discussions on the Middle East, he now understands that it’s a multi-faceted, highly complex affair requiring empathy and understanding on both sides.
This journey, he said, made him realise that in order to pursue the noble fight for human rights, he had to acknowledge and make amends for his own ill-informed personal biases and prejudices.
Towards the end of last year, Dlamini asked his comrade, Wits law graduate and Africans for Peace co-ordinator Klaas Masilo Mokgomole, to help him address this longstanding issue.
Mokgomole sided with the Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions South Africa movement at Wits until he was encouraged to learn about both sides following an educative trip to Israel and an ongoing commitment to understand the struggle.
Together with student leader Cebolenkosi Khumalo, they arrived at Krengel’s offices in November in the hope of reaching an amicable outcome. Krengel told the SA Jewish Report he was intrigued by Dlamini’s visit after so many years of unresolved animosity between Dlamini and the community.
“I was interested to hear what he had to say,” said Krengel, who was pleased when Dlamini showed genuine remorse.
Following a process of mediation, Krengel said, “The sincerity with which Dlamini acknowledged the hurt that he caused our community was palpable. This understanding prompted him to make an unequivocal apology which was truly remorseful.”
He told the SA Jewish Report that Dlamini recognised that the statements were antisemitic, hurtful, and offensive.
“This recognition together with his genuine apology enables us to heal from the hurt he caused. It’s important for us as a community and as South Africans to identify when genuine remorse is expressed. It’s equally important for us to accept a sincere apology of this nature as it enables us to move forward.”
In his written apology, Dlamini said, amongst other points, “It’s only in retrospect that I began to appreciate how much my statements were ill-advised and to a certain extent dangerous because they ignored the kind of trauma that they caused. My journey has made me appreciate that I was wrong, and there is no possible excuse for what I said and there can be no way to reverse how it affected others. What I can do is supplement my apology with actions as testimony that I’m truly remorseful.
“I’m committed to engaging with literature that will assist me in learning about the history of Jewish and Israeli people to understand why my sentiments were offensive. Once I have this in-depth knowledge, I commit to teaching others about the knowledge I acquired.”
He said he wanted to travel to Israel to gain an understanding of how the Jewish people’s present is shaped by their past.
“I have thought deeply about the kind of leader I want to be, and it’s definitely not a leader that spreads hate and rejoices at the misfortunes of others.
“This marks a new chapter for me, and I’m hoping I can move forward.”
Criticism for second shul shutdown in 10 months
For the second time in 10 months, shuls have had to close their doors as COVID-19 rampages across the country.
While most within the community have accepted the restriction in the face of an overwhelming second wave, the closures have drawn some criticism from those not willing to give up their regular minyanim.
President Cyril Ramaphosa announced two weeks ago that the country would move to lockdown level three as infections rose sharply during the holiday season. This included the reintroduction of the ban on religious gatherings, closing shuls that had reopened in October last year.
Although the ban was initially set to end later this week, Ramaphosa extended it in his address on Monday evening.
The closure of shuls is a necessity in the fight against the virus, says Chief Rabbi Dr Warren Goldstein.
“With the introduction of regulations and the extension, the president is looking not just at shuls but all places of worships across the country,” he told the SA Jewish Report this week. “His decision is driven by factors going way beyond our own community.
“We cannot judge the decision in terms of our own shuls, which have done amazingly well and remained as safe as possible,” the chief rabbi says. “We need to recognise that we are citizens of this country and are committed to upholding the law so as to ensure that every person around us is safe.
“It’s sad for us. We love our shuls. They are part of our lives, but we have a responsibility to promote health, safety, and support the fight against this disease.”
Goldstein commended the shuls and their rabbis for their commitment to caring for their members and adhering to protocols.
“They were incredible in their dedication to the protocols,” he says. “People appreciated it, and many felt that, outside their homes, the shuls were the safest places to be.”
The chief rabbi also paid tribute to Ramaphosa, saying that the president had given great consideration to the input from religious leaders from across the spectrum at an interfaith meeting held this past Sunday before Monday’s announcement.
From a health perspective, the closure of shuls is imperative, says emergency medicine expert Professor Efraim Kramer.
“We should actually be in a level-five lockdown at this point,” he says. “We can’t do that economically because the country would collapse. This second wave is far worse than the first, and almost every other country has gone into lockdown with lower numbers.”
Businesses, restaurants, and other hubs of economic activity are open only out of economic necessity, Kramer stressed.
“They aren’t safe just because they’re open,” he says. “If you’re not out working, you should be staying at home. People don’t seem to understand that. The closure of shuls isn’t about them being more or less safe. Unfortunately, they aren’t economic spaces, and need to stay closed.
“You cannot complain about a measure that’s in place to keep us alive. If we carry on the way we’re going with the highest death rate we’ve ever seen, how can we go back to normal? We have no right to make such a demand, no matter how safe we feel our shuls are.”
While most shuls have closed their doors, some disagree with the president’s decision. This includes Sydenham Shul’s Rabbi Yossy Goldman, who recently penned an open letter expressing support for the president but also maintaining that shuls should remain open as they are among the safest places because of their strict protocols.
“I felt strongly that there needed to be protest against the fact that shuls were closed down yet again,” Goldman told the SA Jewish Report. I was bothered that our community, including our leadership, could be blasé about shuls closing. We’ve become nonchalant about it.
“It’s become a new norm. Of course, you can daven at home, but the shul is the heartbeat of Jewish life. As special as Zoom minyanim have been, I had to make the point that we cannot become accepting of change.”
Goldman maintained that shuls are far safer than casinos, restaurants, and cinemas, which have been allowed to remain open, and said the ban on religious services shouldn’t be a blanket ban.
“It’s almost an inconsistency of the regulations,” he says. “Also, psychological, spiritual, and emotional well-being are as important as economic well-being. We need our shuls more than ever before.”
Rabbi Yossi Chaikin, the rabbi of the Oxford Synagogue Centre and chairperson of the Rabbinic Association, also worries that it will be challenging to encourage people back to shul when they reopen.
“We’ve done a good job of telling people to stay home and daven, but that’s backfiring on us now,” he says. “People have taken to staying home, and it’s become a habit. It’s getting progressively harder to get people back to shul. I hope we don’t struggle in the long run.
“We’re being challenged as rabbonim. We need to reinvent what shul means and change our approach to the relationship with congregants. The role of rabbi has shifted.”
Not all minyanim have opted to shut down, however.
A minyan operating within the Glenhazel area has been operating since March 2020, and although it has moved a few times, it has operated consistently over the past 10 months.
At times held outdoors, the minyan usually has a maximum of 15 men. Those who attend maintain that the complete shutdown of a minyan is too drastic, relying on precedents found in rabbinic responses during previous pandemics in history to guide their decision.
“It never occurred to Rabbi Akiva Eiger that minyanim should be shut down,” said a representative of the minyan who asked to remain anonymous. “It was always a matter of taking reasonable precautions and getting on with life.
“I’m not aware of any response that they wrote urging that life be shut down. There has never been a situation in which Torah authorities called for such drastic measures.
“Our members are resolutely determined to daven in a minyan. The response to COVID-19 around the world and in our community has been a fiasco. We have attacked a cockroach with a bazooka and seem unperturbed about the fact that the bazooka killed two people, injured 20 others, demolished the house, and started a fire next door, all while missing the cockroach.”
He argues that the response of the Johannesburg rabbinate has been “spectacularly out of proportion to the threat posed by COVID-19”.
“Last year, when South Africa moved to level three, and religious gatherings were permitted, there was no justification whatsoever for keeping shuls officially closed. One need not be an epidemiologist to know that simple mechanisms can be put in place to ensure people’s safety.
“There is no medical reason – and certainly no religious reason – to suspend minyanim. That decision was motivated by fear and ignorance rather than prudence.”
He was equally critical of the government’s latest announcement, saying that it made no sense to ban religious gatherings while keeping other facilities open.
“It doesn’t take a genius to realise that there is no rhyme or reason to this,” he concluded. “Whether the government’s move is a deliberate attack on religion or simply another instance of ANC [African National Congress] stupidity and incompetence is immaterial. We will continue to daven in a minyan.”
Letters/Discussion Forums1 day ago
An open letter to President Cyril Ramaphosa
OP-EDS1 day ago
Why it must be cool to be a Jew on campus
Featured Item1 day ago
Could vaccination save Netanyahu’s political life?
Featured Item1 day ago
Farewell to an architectural giant
Voices1 day ago
But he is good for Israel
Voices1 day ago
The holiday that couldn’t happen
Featured Item1 day ago
A December of COVID-19, paranoia and cancelled plans
Voices1 day ago
Second waves and second chances