Late dads’ love leaves lasting legacy

When his chair is empty, it leaves an inescapable void. Though fathers today are generally far more involved in their kids’ lives than they were in generations past, those who have lost their dads have an especially deep understanding of just how important a role they play.

“It’s a loss that’s forever,” says Carin Marcus, a clinical social worker and logotherapist specialising in grief therapy. At the age of 11, Marcus lost her father, who was on the ill-fated Helderberg, an aeroplane that crashed in 1987, raising questions that linger today.

The impact of losing a parent, Marcus says, changes throughout life. “At 11, losing a dad meant one thing. But at 12, when all my friends’ fathers sat at their Batmitzvah ceremonies and at mine there was an empty chair, it meant something else.” From finishing matric to learning to drive to having no dad to walk you down the aisle or to be at your son’s bris, you grieve the loss in parts, she says.

In navigating the complexity of the nature of the loss of her father, whose body was never recovered, Marcus began to understand the importance of support. “I thank G-d that I have an incredible mother. I also did a lot of personal growth work. I don’t think I could have landed up doing my work today had I not worked on my own grief, pain, and trauma. I didn’t choose this career, the career chose me, and I felt so privileged to do what I do. As [Austrian psychologist, author, and Holocaust survivor] Viktor Frankl said, you see the power of the human spirit.”

Today, grief isn’t about letting go, she says, but about holding on in some way. “It’s about giving yourself permission to continue that relationship on some level. It’s asking ‘What would your dad want for you? What are the values of your dad that you would want to take into your life?’”

Growing up without a dad, Marcus says you find resilience because he’s no longer there to model this behaviour. “Although I’ve spent most of my life without a dad, he’s still so much a part of who I am and the work that I’ve chosen to do,” she says.

Seeing her children grow up with their father has brought healing, she says. “I often think that my kids are so blessed to have a dad who is able to be around. Yet, I’m conscious not to live my life nor my children’s through the script of loss and trauma. It’s my story. We speak about it, but live in the blessing of them having a dad.”

Marcus says celebrating Father’s Day through her husband has reframed the day for her. “Before my kids, it was like salt on a wound. Seeing huge Father’s Day signs in the shops felt painful. ‘Dad’ is such a small word, but it’s huge in its absence. But through my kids and husband, Father’s Day no longer holds that pain.”

David Lorge, a cognitive behaviour coach, was also 11 when he lost his father. Losing a father at a young age, he says, means that you sometimes feel that you need to take on more of a parenting role. “It also comes with a lot of insecurity,” he says. “A father is very much a sense of security, a safety net to fall back on, and without that, it’s difficult. It’s important to have other male role models in your life, people who can offer that security.” For Lorge, having an involved grandfather, and later, a stepfather, helped provide that.

Losing his father has had a huge impact on his parenting. “It has made me the most involved father, because your time can be so short. I work hard, but the times that I’m with my kids, it’s so important to be present. It makes you appreciate every second.” It’s not always about quantity of time spent together, Lorge says, but quality.

Losing a father at a young age, Lorge says, often fosters resilience. “If the pain, hurt, and anger and other negative emotions that come with the loss are channelled in the right way with the right guidance, you can use that energy towards building strong relationships, careers, and so on.”

But the sense of missing someone doesn’t go away. “I’ve always been closely linked to my dad. I feel him around me, and both my sons’ middle names are after my dad,” he says. “We speak about him all the time.”

Lorge says that even though he had his dad for only 11 years, his impact was profound. “He affected my self-esteem and confidence. He built me up. He was always proud of me, and that still sticks with me. It makes you work that much harder as a parent.”

Lorge argues that though the role of fathers has evolved, many dads still underestimate their long-lasting impact. “Parents often feel like they don’t know what they’re doing, but it’s about just showing up and letting your children know they can rely on you. You can always repair things if you mess up, but you can’t if you weren’t there.” Even if your time with your kids is limited, it’s about creating moments of conscious connection.

“Fathers today are no longer seen as just ‘helpers’ or ‘providers’, they’re increasingly recognised as equal caregivers,” says educational psychologist Ashley Jay. “This has been driven by evolving family dynamics, dual-income households, and greater awareness of children’s emotional and developmental needs.” Social media and modern parenting discourse have also helped encourage dads to show up emotionally, not just functionally.

“The best gift a father can give isn’t advice, it’s presence,” Jay says. “Children remember how you made them feel. Let go of the pressure to be the ‘fixer’ or the ‘disciplinarian’. Instead, get curious about your child’s world. Ask open-ended questions. Listen without solving. Be vulnerable when appropriate. Kids don’t need perfect dads, they need engaged, emotionally available ones.”