Thunberg returns from ‘kidnapping’ unscathed by reality

Greta Thunberg, global climate scolder and part-time geopolitical commentator, has apparently survived the ordeal of all ordeals: a kidnapping.

Not your usual kidnapping, mind you. There was no hood over the head, no ransom demand, and sadly, no Liam Neeson. Just Greta, voluntarily boarding a Gaza-bound flotilla, presumably armed with fury, tofu jerky, and a conviction that she could solve Middle East challenges with hashtags.

Now, before we panic, Greta is safe. Largely because her captors couldn’t give her away fast enough.

As the story goes, she was apprehended by what one can only assume was a group of thoroughly exhausted Israel Defense Forces personnel, whose biggest war crime may have been to give her a sandwich. Not just any sandwich, a challah sandwich. With egg or pastrami. And possibly some sort of non-vegan spread. For Greta this was, quite possibly, the most traumatising part of the whole abduction.

To make matters worse, her “kidnappers” then committed the ultimate war crime: they handed her a plastic water bottle. That’s right. Plastic. Single-use. Not recyclable. Not locally sourced from a glacier kissed by sustainable air.

Greta was clearly shaken.

But the ordeal didn’t end there. In a shocking display of psychological warfare, her captors allegedly took her to a screening room and played – wait for it – footage of the 7 October Hamas massacre.

Greta, naturally, did what any self-respecting climate icon with a perfectly curated worldview would do. She closed her eyes.

Because nothing says “I’m here to bear witness” like refusing to witness.

Greta was then escorted to Ben Gurion Airport, where she was fortunate enough to avoid the lines at security, having already been vetted, and ushered onto the plane. She wasn’t, we’re told, given the opportunity to sample the kosher McDonald’s or the new Moses in the duty free area, nor was she able to purchase any Ahava products, which not to be unkind, she might have benefited from.

I’m no trauma expert, but if your biggest complaint in a “kidnapping” is that someone tried to feed you carbs, expose you to inconvenient truths, and that you have been seated at the back of the plane, you might want to rethink your activism strategy.

In fact, I’d argue that the real victims here were her kidnappers. Imagine thinking you’re bringing in a noble political activist only to realise you’ve captured a walking lecture with zero sense of irony, who’s allergic to protein, nuance, and literally every uncomfortable fact in history.

At some point, I imagine the captors huddled together and said,

“We need to get rid of her before she starts quoting United Nations resolutions and correcting our recycling methods.”

Which they did. Quickly. Probably with an apology note and a reusable tote bag. Praying that Sweden will take her back.

And yet, Greta has been returned, undeterred, declaring herself a survivor. Of what, exactly, remains unclear. But it makes for great Instagram content and boosts engagement in the outrage economy.

Greta didn’t get kidnapped. She wandered into reality, didn’t like what she saw, shut her eyes, and called it oppression.

Unlike Greta, we don’t have the luxury of confusing discomfort with injustice. We know what real kidnapping is. We have the images of 7 October and the aftermath seared into our brains. Even – and maybe especially – when we close our eyes.