Battle inside: Israelis struggle to keep it together

Israelis are feeling “stretched to the brink” what with the bombardment from Iran; ongoing war with Gaza; and the hostages; not to mention trying to find ways to earn a living in a straining economy, according to Micki Lavin-Pell, an American-born Israeli marriage, relationship, and trauma therapist.

Though Israelis are exceptional at appearing to cope and make as if everything is normal, “we are overwhelmed”, she says.

“It’s hard to know where to put our energies at this point,” she told the SA Jewish Report this week. “We’ve been stretched to the brink, and it’s so hard to think about helping other people when we’re all just trying to look after ourselves and our families. We’re trying to strike that balance, which is such a difficult thing to do.”

Lavin-Pell is one of the therapists working around the clock to help families, couples, and soldiers to deal with what has happened since 7 October 2023. She first spoke to the SA Jewish Report in February 2024, five months into the war. It’s now more than 20 months since the horrific 7 October attack on Israel.

She says that with Israel now being bombarded from Iran and civilians being killed or injured, homes destroyed, and livelihoods put on hold, it’s understandable that the families and loved ones of the remaining hostages in Gaza feel even more despondent.

“From what I understand, they feel like they have been left behind and completely forgotten, like Iran is now taking centre stage,” she said. “It’s not entirely true though because people are trying to keep so many different things in their minds.”

However, she says Israel’s decision to strike Iran’s nuclear strength was something that Israelis, for the most part, generally support. “People believe that we didn’t really have much choice. When our greatest threat was minutes away from creating a nuclear bomb, I believe we all felt it was do or die.”

When the bombardment of Israel began on 13 June, “People were optimistic that maybe this was the beginning of the end of the wars, and that we were finally going to cut off the head of the octopus, the people in charge of this whole mess,” Lavin-Pell says.

“But as the days go on and it continues unabated, people are less euphoric and more petrified that this might schlep on, like the other war with Hamas that seems to drag on.”

She says the toughest part of this new war is the fact that Israelis are being hit hard and having to take shelter so often. Children aren’t going back to school, much like during the COVID-19 pandemic, those who have just finished school are left with nothing to do.

“Many of those were planning to go overseas, get jobs abroad, or go on road trips. These all have to be put on hold for now. Tourists, which Israel relies on, can’t come in.

“It’s depressing that so many people were hoping to travel overseas and that can’t happen, at least not in early July,” Lavin-Pell says.

It’s similar to what people felt like during the pandemic, when they were living on top of each other. “It’s stressful. For those who have mandatory work, they now have to make a plan to find childcare, and those whose work has been put on hold are worried about putting food on the table.”

With things being so stressful, Lavin-Pell says, “There are many who don’t want to work anymore. They just want to bury their heads and not think about everything they have to deal with. It’s just hard to keep functioning, to keep a normal schedule going when nothing is normal.

“So, for people with existing issues, they are exacerbated, and it puts even more strain and pressure on couples and family relationships.”

Before the war with Iran began, there was already a level of despondency in Israel, Lavin-Pell says. “This was because we wondered if we were ever going to see the end of this war and all it has brought to our lives. So many reservists and their wives have been battling, with wives feeling frustrated and undervalued and their husbands not being able to relate to being at home with family.

“I’m seeing a lot of divorce because of this,” Lavin-Pell says. She says the horror the reservists are experiencing in Gaza is so severe, they psychologically disconnect from themselves. And unfortunately, that war continues while Israel is dealing with the war with Iran.

Lavin-Pell speaks of soldiers who have seen such horror in Gaza that they carry home terrible scars of war, making them feel numb. “It shuts them down, and the scary thing is that there’s a whole society of these people. They look fine on the outside, but are at war inside. They must find a way to reconnect to themselves.”

She says soldiers often don’t have the time to get back to normal or process what they have experienced before having to go back into Gaza. And even when they do get therapy, they often don’t have enough time to make headway before having to go back to the war.

When they resume work, many battle to keep it together. “Some jobs don’t want to take reservists back after a stint in Gaza because they believe they will be sent back soon. There’s no obligation for companies to keep people on,” she says.

Their wives also battle on the work front as companies are unwilling to give them extra time for children when needed. “They are unconcerned about their needs,” she says. Economic pressure has made it tough for people to get work, and there’s little empathy in the workplace.”

Having said that, she insists that in all of this, “G-d is trying to send us a message that we all have to be kind to each other.”

Lavin-Pell says she has no doubt that the distress can and must be sorted out, and people need to heal. “There are so many different types of therapies to help. People just need to reach out and ask. As individuals and a society, we all need to take and pass around some truth pills,” she says.

She believes in meditation, journaling, and support groups to get by from day to day. “We need to lean on each other and support one another. We need to lean and receive. We need to care for and listen to each other.”