Helping children through their trauma

A child’s trauma often has a ripple effect, shaping their behaviour, relationships, and sense of safety, and impacting the classroom and home environment. As we face communal and individual challenges, understanding how trauma can manifest in children and how best to help them navigate the fallout is vital. 

This was discussed in a recent webinar led by Torah Academy in partnership with Beis Yaakov, Hirsch Lyons, King David Schools, Maharsha, Shaarei Torah, the Mesorah School, Sandton Sinai, and Yeshiva College. 

“One thing common to each of us is the emotional well-being of our children,” said Torah Academy managing director Rabbi Yossi Liberow, explaining the thinking behind hosting a collaborative event. 

“Trauma and adversity don’t stay contained. They show up in the classroom, in our homes, in our friendships, and in the child who’s struggling.” How we respond to a child’s trauma can make the difference between a child who feels held and one who feels alone, he said. 

Explaining the concept of trauma, Carin Marcus, a clinical social worker and logotherapist specialising in grief and loss, said its impact goes beyond a specific experience. “It’s a psychological and emotional response to an experience, about what happens inside the body as a result of that experience,” she said. “Not every person responds in the same way to the same experience.” Trauma is also not always a single event like a crime or a loss; it can also be a result of something ongoing like recurrent bullying or helping a loved one through a prolonged illness. 

The often-hidden nature of trauma is a significant challenge, Marcus said. While we may recognise that someone is sad, angry, or quiet, we often don’t know the underlying causes. “What we’re really speaking to are the invisible layers of what people are holding and carrying,” Marcus said. 

This invisibility is especially relevant to children, who may not have the vocabulary or understanding to express what’s making them behave a certain way. “It’s a sudden clinginess, fear of separating, difficulty concentrating, regressive behaviours where a child tends to cut back on things that they’ve already mastered. Often, children struggle to regulate their feelings if they’re living in a traumatised situation. There’s so much going on inside of them.” 

Rather than asking what’s wrong, Marcus advised, ask what’s happening, what’s really going on in that child’s world – what’s behind their behaviour? Yet, when we ourselves are in a state of trauma, too, it’s not always easy to recognise this and respond appropriately. 

Therein lies the importance of community, she said, using the analogy of a dartboard, where the rings outside the bullseye speak to our proximity to the trauma. “There’s something so uniquely beautiful about our community,” she said, “in that no matter what the trauma is, we are all somewhere on that dartboard. We hold each other’s space and each other’s trauma in that we all share a deep responsibility for each other.” 

“A trauma-informed Jewish community transforms that responsibility into everyday acts of compassion, understanding without judgement, and connection,” she said. This ability to be there for each other is where resilience is born. 

United States-based Rabbi Yakov Horowitz, an author, educator, parent mentor, and child-safety advocate, tackled what to say – and what not to say – to a child facing trauma. “How do we create an environment where the child feels comfortable being honest with us?” he asked. Ultimately, it’s about being authentic because children are far more perceptive than we realise. Showing sincerity and empathy is key. 

“They’re not necessarily coming to you to solve that problem,” Horowitz said. “They first just want to be heard and understood. Often, the most therapeutic thing you can do is to be calm and provide a listening ear.” 

He stressed the importance of reading the room and understanding what children really want to talk about. “They’ll often parcel what they want to talk about in little pieces and gauge your response to smaller issues. They’re not going to tell you everything right away because they want to feel comfortable that you’re really someone they can talk to.” Becoming a safe space for them comes with being approachable and sometimes sharing your own vulnerability, which often makes people much more inclined to talk. 

Horowitz also spoke of children and adolescents within religious communities being afraid to share a crisis of faith that sometimes results from trauma. “It’s so important that we don’t express shock or disappointment. To the contrary, tell them it’s normal to feel this way if they’re going through difficult times. You can’t help a child have a conversation if they’re afraid to have it with you.” 

If there’s something serious at play, like self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or abuse, you need to contact a professional, he said. 

“It’s our job to love our children and to support them no matter what. It’s important to teach them that there’s no right or wrong way to handle trauma, we should be able to be there to support them through it all.” 

Discussing moving forward from trauma, Rabbi Levi Avtzon, educator and rabbi of Linksfield Shul, stressed the importance of finding a positive way to channel it. Often, when we talk about trauma, we talk about healing it as if it’s a headache, something you get rid of by taking a tablet, he said. “I don’t ask the deeper meaning of the headache. I just want to be healed. Trauma shouldn’t be considered a headache. It’s not something to just get through.” 

Trauma is an energy, he said. “It shakes us. It startles us. At the time, it overwhelms us. Death can feel like somebody ripped a piece of our heart out. Other traumas might have a different feeling. But at some stage, whether it’s a month or even five years later, I cannot only heal from it; I have to channel it, because otherwise that energy is wasted.” You have agency over what you decide to do with your trauma, he said. 

That is not to minimise its impact, which is sometimes eternal, but at some stage every trauma can be channelled, he said, if we turn to G-d and ask what He wants from us. “Something good can come out of every pain we’ve been through. Something can and must be built. Not only for the sake of the world, but for our own sake. Ask, ‘How can I make this world a little more whole from the hole in my heart?’”