If I turn down a drink on Purim, don’t ask again

Purim is a joyous occasion, a time of celebration, humility, and, for many, drinking. In the past, I was always the first to join in the festivities, embracing the party atmosphere without hesitation. Saying no was never my strong suit. I didn’t see myself as a problem drinker, but I was.

If I was offered a drink once or twice, by the third time, I was all in. I used to joke that I could visit places twice: once to throw away my name and reputation, and the second time to apologise and try to make amends for my behaviour.

That was then.

I have now been in recovery from drugs and alcohol for several years. Choosing this new way of life has had its challenges, and at times it has been a struggle. But every day, I make the choice not to pick up that first drink, no matter what.

Part of the commitment to this choice is knowing that I no longer fear saying, “No, thank you.” I don’t need to explain myself and I don’t feel left out. Others may drink, and that’s okay. I choose to be present in the community, to connect, and to celebrate – without alcohol.

I went into a treatment facility in 2006 for drug abuse, and it was there that I discovered, through doing some of the step work and self-reflection, that I am also an alcoholic.

This presented a few challenges for me, to say the least.

I worked in hospitality for years, never thinking that drinking was a problem.

After I got clean, I found a job in a hotel in Port Elizabeth, where part of the deal was me being honest about this part of my life. I agreed to random testing and answering the simple question: are you clean (in reference to drinking or drugging)?

I stood to lose my job, my home, my salary, and my sense of self.

Staying sober and keeping to this commitment has been a deliberate daily exercise.

And, still, the holidays are a challenge for me at the best of times.

I often tell others like me to keep your hands in your pockets. That way you can’t pick up a drink.

I’m only an arm’s length away from possible self-destruction. While this sounds melodramatic, it’s the truth for me.

This is why having the courage to say no is so important. “No” doesn’t require an explanation. It’s self-preservation, and I have been doing this dance for a while.

The biggest challenge is being true to myself, when all I really want to do is to please the people around me. At heart, I’m a people pleaser, so saying no to anyone about most things is hard, and it isn’t that I wouldn’t prefer to have that drink.

I used to think a drink would keep me connected to others and that it made me cool. It won’t, and doesn’t. I would still have to come back and own my bad behaviour.

I recognise that it’s no longer about joining in, it’s about self-respect, personal pride, and dignity.

Staying clean is sobering and worthwhile. I now reflect hope for others who are trying to stay sober one day at a time.

It can be done. We need to destigmatise the relationship with booze. We need to foster tolerance towards those not wanting to drink or struggling with drink.

The goal is to be inclusive without drinking being the bottom line. I now understand that being part of the community is the hook, not drinking with the community.

So, when you’re celebrating Purim and you offer drinks and someone declines, don’t push it. Let it go.

Respect anyone who declines a drink the first time. No-one should ever be shamed, made to feel guilty, or embarrassed for not drinking.

Stopping starts with not taking the first one.

If you or someone you know needs support, please reach out. Dan’s Tribe can help. Call 010 140 9910.

Chag sameach!

• Nick Ofsowitz is a part of Dan’s Tribe and also operates as a recovery coach.